This is the truth isn't it. We are done, no matter what I want, I have to start acceptance that she has left and is happier for leaving what was for her an unhappy marriage. Devastated
Right now, she's living on the high of euphoria. They all do. They think that life is rosy and the sky is going to be sunny each and every day. Unfortunately after about 6 months, the real world will come knocking at her door and then she will begin to realize that even though she's left you, her problems will still exist. She still have to clean, cook wash, shop, work a job and pay her bills. Life isn't all about tip toeing through the tulips.
For now, you will need to find a way to accept that she's gone and out to lunch. Sure she's happy at the moment, but that can and most likely will change in time. You, on the other hand, will grow by leaps and bounds because you are facing your situation head on and not looking for other avenues to make you feel better.
Dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you. Leave her to her own mess.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job. I guess the stickler is that she does actually seem so much happier, she is a dressing her issues and childhood trauma, She's gotten fit, lost 3 stone, developed a really strong support network of friends, taking classes, got her finances in order etc etc. I'm far behind her, been completely stuck on wanting to save the marriage. Not sure she is out to lunch because she was unhappy and did something about it. I don't agree it was the right thing but her support network all do.
So do you ever tell them that you let them go? Not kidding myself I know it's a process not a statement, I don't know if it allows the waw to know there is less pursuit. I'm still pursuing even though its not said its there in my mannerisms and longing im sure , and it's hurting the bits of trust we have re-established.
J, I´m no expert here but all I can say is the best thing you can do is to get started right away! You need to become the best person you can ever be for yourself! Mentally and physically.
In the beginning of my sitch I immediately decided to work out smarter(not harder) than I ever had before, eating healthier than I ever had, I read all the books recommended here and then some, listened to podcasts on how to grow as a person and on building relationships, put together budgets on what I can spend and how I could save and hopefully earn more. I made clear goals on where I wanted to be in a year. I did all this while experiencing anxiety, anger, sadness and frustration but I couldn´t stop because the alternative frightened me.
I realized with the help of this forum that I can´t control the outcome here, I can only control myself. I felt like laying in bed crying and eating junk food all day. But I knew the sadness I felt would be nothing compared to how I´d feel if my W and I ended up divorcing and she sees me months or years later looking like a slob.
In the beginning that was what motivated me, that she sees me one day and thinks to herself "what was I thinking letting a man like that out of my life" but after a few months of seeing my transformation and realizing that I´m doing this for me now, no longer for her or anyone else, that feeling is what motivates me each day.
And no, don´t ever tell them you let them go. Actions, not words, always! Stop the pursuit, it took me too long to get that through my head.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
More R talks this morning She asked about the house idea again, said it may be best for the kids but we might find it difficult if we had new partners in the future.
I said I wasn't sure yet. While it may be great for the kids, I wasnt where she is in this process. I asked her wouldn't you find it difficult if I was with someone new. She said she would find it difficult but easier if it was a serious relationship and not a bunch of one night stands. I just said I kinda understood that.
She said she didn't know what I wanted, that I hadn't lost anything, she would still be in my life. That we were more intimate now being able to talk than we had in ages. She then went on to say if it was just sex then I should have sex with somebody else. She then said she occasionally has those thoughts about me but that it hadn't worked during the relationship. I said I didn't want to go backwards. She reiterated that she just needs to be alone.
I didn't respond to this, then " it's a process going through this, let's keep this for family therapy" She went on to say it wasn't fair that I was holding on, that she felt like she had to keep breaking up with me and that she knew how I felt being dumped, and she knew it was a process.
We shelved it there and got on with work, things were a bit friendlier When I left, she stopped came back to the door and said "j, thank you for this week, it means a lot" Me " I never doubted you"
I left to see IC , and am now back at the flat.its actually a huge relief to be in my own space and my own headspace.
I kind of wished I'd said to her when she asked me what I wanted that I wanted to live, have adventures and fun and laughter and that I wanted to share that with her.
Hollywood thinking but better than her thinking I just want sex
More R talks this morning She asked about the house idea again, said it may be best for the kids but we might find it difficult if we had new partners in the future.
You: "I can see how that may be difficult"
Just try to speak less and listen more. Nothing you say will turn this around she needs to figure out her own stuff. She feels guilty because she can tell you're holding on - so get out and do your own thing. You can tell her you have no plans on sharing a house with her if you aren't together and leave it at that...then go GAL.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Thanks people, I think being around her all week during a hard time/ crisis with the kids has been so challenging emotionally and left little breathing or headspace to fully consider my words and actions in our interactions.
Been pretty needy at times and at others been the rock the family needed in a time of crisis.
I'm hoping a few days without seeing her will allow me to centre myself a bit more again.
