Good work on picking out those positives U. Stretching a little lol.
My interpretation is no more valid than yours. I was just demonstrating how easy it is to reframe things (if you want).
You can interpret whatever she says (or texts) an infinite number of ways. "Believe none of what they say..." Moreover, WAS's will change their feelings and minds all the time. Detach from the emotional roller-coaster.
Originally Posted by Jdevast
Difficulty is more people she voices this to, the harder it is to turn around.
Maybe. Is this a useful thought?
J, I have been (and still am) in a needy place as well. The more you can recognize that feeling, the more you can get a handle on it and not be at the whim or her (or your) emotions. This stuff is hard, it takes time. The biggest mistakes I have made in DB are when I have let my emotions control my actions and thoughts.
I feel you brother. You're not alone in this and with those feelings! I'm in a small residence with my WW W for 10+ hours a day. Often when she walks by I think...what if I just picked her up, kissed her and told her I love her. We would be on our way back to a happy R. Then I am reminded that is Hollywood. My in laws brother was in a situation where his W wanted their house and full custody. One day he got close to his W trying to help her in their doorway as she had bags or boxes. She slipped, got a small cut on her leg and called the cops. With strict laws in his country, he lost any chance at custody and was close to suicide. Not sure why I'm telling you all that just be careful! One of the vets on a thread said that if W is ready to work on the R, she will tell you as such.
You sound like a good man. Remind yourself of that.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
... Stated she had been thinking again about a living option that she had suggested very early on after bd about buying a house together and seperating it into 2 living areas as we were seperated but to benefit the kids.
Said she knew of people who had done this,
I just listened
She then reiterated that she did not want me to think she was leading me on. That she knew I wasn't there yet but we would have to have private lives and that there would be the possibility of other partners.
I replied , I'm taking one day at a time, let's leave it on the table as an option and see how things go. Let's concentrate on Christmas first.
She agreed , but was looking at properties on her phone, 10 mins later she raised it again, talking as she was thinking through things.
She raised again if we did it we would need to accept each other's privacy as adults. That she didn't want to be celibate for the rest of her life.
I said "me neither, I have to put one foot in front of the other and focus on working on myself for whatever the future holds, that includes whether I'm in a new relationship or not. That I didn't know what the future held. Again I reiterated let's not make any decisions now, let's concentrate on Christmas first and maybe discuss this stuff in the new year. ...
Originally Posted by Jdevast
... What are peoples thoughts on earlier post regarding her living arrangements suggestion?
It's tough... she's fantasizing and there's nothing you can do. Anything you say will seem like you are controlling her. Let her look at properties online. You don't have to help her.
I also see it as a positive that she's very focused on the kids, which is better than most WAS here.
You have the benefit of time, so focus on improving yourself, be a good father, and maybe she will see and change her mind.
Thanks U & core. What are peoples thoughts on earlier post regarding her living arrangements suggestion?
Honestly, they are awful. You will sitting there so full of hope all the time, smitten with her, looking at her leave the house all dressed up and it will drive you freakin crazy. Then she will start dating. Don’t buy the “I’m not ready to date” lines, because as soon as someone captures her attention, she will.
Then you give her the beat of both worlds. A great coparent living in the house and the freedom to see and do what she wants.
No, doesn't sound great when you put it like that, I guess I felt she had seen what it meant to the kids, and that maybe it was her softening towards me. Kind of saw it as a re-establishment of trust.
She's looking fantastic at the moment and is extremely magnetic to people. It won't be long before someone comes along.
I have no control over that, some days I just can't believe I was so blind to push her away, and now she's gone. I can only build on the flicker of trust that is back.
Sounds like a H3llish living arrangement, much like ‘nesting’, The one family I knew who chose nesting, it initially assuaged the ex-wife’s guilt that she was harming the kids, but it was horrible for the ex-husband, who kept finding used condoms in the trash. You, in contrast, may actually hear the noises from these other partners.
A clean no-contact break, imho, makes it much easier to move on. I wouldn’t humor her fantasy.
Last edited by job; 12/08/1902:33 PM. Reason: edited language
I couldn't cope if she was with someone new. I'm having a hard enough time being at family house with kids this morning, she went out last night for friends birthday, know she went to a club, received message at 3.30am "I'm staying at ***'s ( new friend) please don't worry, hope the kids are fine" So my imagination is doing loops. Tough week interspersed with glimmers of increased trust, being at family home, family therapy etc and somehow being more exposed to her wishes to be seperated and never reconcile.
I don't really know how to handle all this, some big realizations around how she was trying to communicate for ages what she needed to feel loved, and my reacting as if she was criticising or attacking me. She must have been so frustrated and lonely. Heartbroken I can't turn the clock back and wake that guy up.
Torn between wanting to share this realization with her , maybe at family therapy while it's still just the 2 of us attending.
Part of my abuse change programme involves several letters to wife as well.
Relayed that she had had a good night, that some friends had said some good things about me. Didn't pry further.
She then drifted into a relationship talk, that she hadn't felt scared coming home with me there, she expanded to say scared of getting in trouble if I was at home.
She went on to say how much better things were now that we were not together but friends, I listened She went on about how frustrating it was to try and talk to me during the r and how I responded. I validated and made her aware that when she was trying to talk to me I reacted as if she was attacking or criticising me.that this must have been really frustrating for her.
She went on to talk about how we had not had a deep connection, that we hadn't trusted each other intimately. I kinda froze here, I know a tear came to my eye.
She went on to say I needed to forgive myself, that she forgave me but couldn't go back. I responded I didn't want to go back either, only forward
She went on about how she knew I was working through coming out of depression and needed to start loving myself. She didn't want to have power over me she knew I regretted my mistakes and that I was human.
She knew that we had loved each other but that I had to let go to heal.
This all completely knocked the wind out of my sails, she knows me inside out.
Afterwards we took the kids for a walk in the woods, had a Sunday pub lunch and she states how this has been the best day she has had in ages.
She told the kids we would be spending Christmas all together,
Flummoxed and spiralling, had to bite my tongue hard many times today not to declare my love. She knows and she could see I was subdued throughout the day.
Spending the night in family home again, she then wants to re-establish boundaries and return to "normal" tomorrow What do i do with all of this?
