No concrete evidence of EA/PA at this point but I'm assuming she has been with someone else based on her actions after BD and this summer.
Originally Posted by jac12
.however, as far as I know there is no OM. .
I see the two statements above contradicting. You tell us that there is enough smoke that you assume there is a fire. Then you say there is no fire. The unanswered questions are when did the fire start, and how long has it been burning.
In other words, was your wife involved in a secrete affair before BD and is it still going on?
If the answer is no, then let go of any OM thoughts. Db your butt off.
If the answer is yes, then DB your butt off.
If the answer is , I don't know. Then DB your butt off.
The only difference is where you set boundaries.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C - I just mean that I assume something was going on based on my gut and what others say regarding these situations...that said, there has been nothing proven. I feel like it's just easier for me mentally to assume that's the case (prepare for the worst). As you said, the answer is still DB my butt off.
Without proof I'm finding it difficult to set boundaries. I'm trying to be the lighthouse and just be steady...let her figure out her world and hopefully she'll come back or I'll be ready to move on myself.
Maybe my ego is telling me I don't want to played for a fool after I've gone a full year of this already. Normally the ego gets you in trouble.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
R2C - I just mean that I assume something was going on based on my gut and what others say regarding these situations...that said, there has been nothing proven. I feel like it's just easier for me mentally to assume that's the case (prepare for the worst). As you said, the answer is still DB my butt off.
Without proof I'm finding it difficult to set boundaries. I'm trying to be the lighthouse and just be steady...let her figure out her world and hopefully she'll come back or I'll be ready to move on myself.
Maybe my ego is telling me I don't want to played for a fool after I've gone a full year of this already. Normally the ego gets you in trouble.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Like you, I also am prepared for the worst but so far no evidence of OW with my H. I did a bit of digging but saw nothing suspicious. So I’ve stopped thinking about it, because like R2C said, either way I keep DBing. Right now I’m operating as if there is no OW.
I understand the ego part and no one would want to be played for a fool. But if your W has OM and you discover it later, she’d be the fool. You would just be the man who has kept doing the right things to make yourself a better man. And at that point, you might be ready to move on anyway.
For Xmas we’re having family over and yes, playing family is not great. But it’s just a couple hours and I can live with that. We’re playing family every weekend actually, so Xmas is not that much different to me.
For Xmas we’re having family over and yes, playing family is not great. But it’s just a couple hours and I can live with that. We’re playing family every weekend actually, so Xmas is not that much different to me.
Actually this is a part that I am always thinking too. I do go over to my wife's side weekly with no expectations. But does that not seem to be like playing family? As if nothing changes for her and all is status quo.
But if I never go over because we are divorcing, then that becomes passive aggressive?
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
Actually this is a part that I am always thinking too. I do go over to my wife's side weekly with no expectations. But does that not seem to be like playing family? As if nothing changes for her and all is status quo.
But if I never go over because we are divorcing, then that becomes passive aggressive?
For me, I’m doing what’s best for the children for right now. Playing family or not, even if we are divorced I would still hope to be friendly with the father of my children (given that he won’t do anything damaging beyond what he’s already done to this family). I’m no expert on this...I think that when the divorcing situation comes for you, you can decide what to do then. You are thinking about what you will do in a hypothetical scenario with your current state of mind. I do that all the time too, but you gotta recognize it when your thoughts are running wild.
Today is Sunday, my W's day with our son, but she has spend the day with him at our house (and her mum came too). We've had a nice little day overall and we talked a bit about Christmas.
She said she feels like "an outsider" with my family now (after 10 months of separation) and is uncomfortable doing things with my side of the family. I said " I can understand how you feel. As I've said before if we are going to work on our marriage I'll always have your back". She teared up a bit when she was talking too. The talk came up because she invited me to her family's Christmas dinner and she also wants to see her son Christmas morning. My plan was to stay over at my mom's place Christmas even with our son and spend the morning with my family.
Also - she's taking an interest in planning my son's bedroom in our house. Just interesting because if she isn't going to be here why does she care?
I have two questions:
1) In regards to Christmas - how much should I change my plans to accommodate her? I don't really want to spend Christmas morning with her if she doesn't want me in her life but my son wants her in his life. Also, the door for R seems to be more open than it was two months ago. She was thinking I would bring our son Christmas eve after my family party and spend the night at her moms so we can do Christmas in the morning. If I do that I feel like I'm just giving in to all her needs without recognizing my own.
2) Our relationship on many levels is better. We are talking more openly, laughing a fair bit and she's started to compliment me more again on my appearance. However, besides hugging there is no physical contact. She's always been one to say she can't be physical unless she feels emotionally connected and she's still struggling emotionally in different areas in her life. In anyone's experience....is this normal or a red flag? The lagging physical affection...
I'm just trying to be aware of things so I don't get caught up in believing things are different than they are.
Thanks, J
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
You seem kind of stuck and are looking for answers we can’t give you. Nobody knows what your W has in mind but IMO I see some hope for you if you’re patient. Have you read Gordies sitch it MLC. His recon last we knew was at a snails pace. It’s definitely not gonna happen overnight.
