W BD'd me Dec 9/18...she moved out Feb 1/19 and has been at her own place since then.
She sees our son Wednesday nights and Sundays but otherwise he is with me and sleeps at my place full time.
No concrete evidence of EA/PA at this point but I'm assuming she has been with someone else based on her actions after BD and this summer.
We had a meeting with our L's scheduled late November when I returned from a vacation with my son. When I came back she apologized for her behaviour last winter (partying until 3am with her friends - mostly guys) and said she felt bad that she made me so insecure about our relationship. Also said she hasn't dealt with her dad's death (brain cancer, passed away March 26/19). Asked if we could push our L date back as she has been feeling more like her old self and says her feelings are changing....
Currently - I don't call or text her unless it's about our son. I wait for her to reach out to me. I do invite her to the odd family thing with our son but I have no expectations that she'll join. She has invited me to do a couple of dinners with her side of the family. I do my best to dress well around her and be positive and validate her feelings when appropriate. I think I need to be a bit more elusive and let her wonder more about what I'm up to.
That's about it for now...one year in feels strange. It does make you think of everything that has happened. I've made some positive changes and I guess I'm waiting for her to make some changes too and take care of her emotional health. I think that has to be one of my conditions if we choose to reconcile.
Yes, I'd like to reconcile. We had a good relationship (yes could be improved) and a beautiful little boy who I'd like to grow up with his family intact.
I appreciate all of you who respond to my situation - this is a great community of people who want to help. Thank you.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
If you go back to my threads from last year you will see I struggled, mightily, with the one year mark. And my MR was in Ring and piecing! But I had this strong desire to become the WAS myself. And I almost did. Likely today's day will live in infamy for you.
I understand your desire to R. That is why people are here. I've only known of one poster that came here claiming to not want to R and he ended up being a fraud, a fake persona by another poster. (Not sure what people get out of that kind of thing but I've seen it on multiple message boards over the years.)
Just keep GAL. Keep self-improving. Keep working on detachment. Detaching takes a very long time. There are folks that have DB'd for 2 years that are still more attached than they thought they were. So work on that. You'll get there. She'll either come around. Or she won't. You have no control over that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Today I received an email from my MIL about Christmas dinner. The whole family was on the email and it was an invitation and spreadsheet for who is bringing what. I know my W helped her mom to craft the email so she knows I was included and she was ok with it.
The question is how do I respond? My W hasn't brought it up. We haven't talked about Christmas at all.
My plan was to leave it alone for a week and see if she brings it up. If she doesn't then I'll respond to MIL with "thank you for the invite but I won't be able to make it."
I think I can go to Christmas dinner with no expectations but I'm not sure I really want to unless I know where my W stands. I just don't have an interest in playing family if we aren't a family.
I'd appreciate any other viewpoints.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
The decision whether to go is entirely yours. Some advise a hardline “no playing family” policy while others (like myself) make exceptions. I don’t know what’s best.
I do suggest you avoid the passive aggressive route of not responding for a week.
Unchien - curious as to why you think it's passive aggressive? I just don't want to jump the gun. The week was just to allow my thoughts to gather and to see if my W brings it up.
Do you suggest I bring it up? Honestly I find it strange that I was invited in the first place.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
My plan was to leave it alone for a week and see if she brings it up. If she doesn't then I'll respond to MIL with "thank you for the invite but I won't be able to make it."
I think I can go to Christmas dinner with no expectations but I'm not sure I really want to unless I know where my W stands. I just don't have an interest in playing family if we aren't a family.
Originally Posted by jac12
Unchien - curious as to why you think it's passive aggressive? I just don't want to jump the gun. The week was just to allow my thoughts to gather and to see if my W brings it up.
Do you suggest I bring it up? Honestly I find it strange that I was invited in the first place.
Hi jac ~
Sorry, I misread. If you intend to say no, it would be passive-aggressive to wait a week.
If you need time to think about what you want to do, do that. That is entirely understandable.
I do think it's a little problematic to have your decision contingent on where your W stands. It adds pressure. It demonstrates you are not detached. From her perspective, it may come across as controlling if you initiate an R talk.
Originally Posted by jac12
I think I can go to Christmas dinner with no expectations but I'm not sure I really want to unless I know where my W stands. I just don't have an interest in playing family if we aren't a family.
Re-read the above. You do have expectations if you go.
Personally I don't take a hard-line stance against family events, *provided that* there are no expectations.
Your stance seems to be "I will go, provided that you are open to R". This can only be experienced by her as pressure and may drive her away. So I suggest you do what you want. If you want to wait a few days to think about it, that's fine. I just suggest you don't initiate an R talk if and when your W reaches out to you... let her do the initiating.
R2C - Whether I'm there or not my son will be there for dinner as he'll be with me Christmas eve and morning. I would like to go but I just wonder if that plays into her having her cake and eating it too...however, as far as I know there is no OM.
Unchien - you are correct, I won't initiate any R talk. I'll take a few days to think it over and then make a decision. My W and I should be having a chat about Christmas plans anyhow as it relates to our son. From your expectation comment: you're right I guess I do have expectations that if I go it means we are moving in a better direction. Otherwise, I'd rather spend time with my family. I suppose her inviting me to dinner can't be seen as a negative thing. It can be neutral and maybe that's ok too.
Anyways - I'll think it over and make a decision.
Thanks.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
