One year in...

[Jac12]

Update:

I decided not to attend my W family Christmas dinner as she has decided it's too awkward for her to join my family at this moment. We did have an R talk as the Christmas talk fed into it a bit. Nothing crazy said - I mostly listened and was honest with my feelings when she asked.

W: "I feel like we are moving in a better direction and our relationship is better but I don't feel romantic yet and I don't want to give you hope. I just started to do some work on myself and I'm going to do my own counseling"
Me: "I understand how you feel. I know you need time as you've been through a lot this year and I support you working on yourself".
W: "Thanks, and I appreciate you changing your plans around so I can see our Son on Christmas morning"

We decided I would take our son to my family's Christmas eve festivities and then bring him back home. My W and MIL will be at my house and stay overnight. After we do our "broken family" (lol) Christmas I'll take my son to my moms and then drop him off at my W's moms in the afternoon.

My thinking was that although W is feeling more normal again nothing has really changed in our situation. Plus, my mom goes back to Florida Jan 1 so it'll be nice to have Christmas dinner with my family.

I had a nice Christmas party last night, workouts are going well, I'm doing what I can to connect with friends and stay busy. I need to step up that part still though.

Note: It's super interesting that my W thinks (and likely knows) that she has all the power here. She said: "I don't want to give you hope". Like what the hell? She clearly doesn't recognize all that she has put us through in the past year. Leaving her son, putting our family in debt for the first time, broken friendships....and I've stood by her and tried to empathize with her struggles. And she doesn't want to give me hope?? The crazy thing is she's right, I give her too much power and I'm going to continue to detach and GAL. Humans are complicated.

[unchien]

Note: It's super interesting that my W thinks (and likely knows) that she has all the power here. She said: "I don't want to give you hope". Like what the hell? She clearly doesn't recognize all that she has put us through in the past year. Leaving her son, putting our family in debt for the first time, broken friendships....and I've stood by her and tried to empathize with her struggles. And she doesn't want to give me hope?? The crazy thing is she's right, I give her too much power and I'm going to continue to detach and GAL. Humans are complicated.

jac ~

Think of her like a squirrel coming to eat seeds from your hand. She's super cautious, and at the slightest movement from you she may run away. That is what she is telling you. She doesn't want you to have hope because she doesn't know what she wants right now.

I encourage you to work on those feelings about the last year. It's completely natural to feel some resentment and hurt. We might DB but we are not robots.

At the same time, those feelings ultimately will prevent a healthy R if you ever reach that point.

Hang in there, man. The holidays are tough and bring up a lot of emotional baggage.

[Jac12]

Thanks unchien - some good reminders in there. This is why posting here helps instead of acting on emotions or talking to family or friends.

I completely understand where she is coming from and I'm good at letting things go but it's still crazy that she still can't see the damage she's caused...I guess she still has a long way to go in her own healing.

[AnotherStander]

Jac, GOOD JOB in not getting drawn into an R talk! Your W was baiting you and you didn't take the bait. Your response was perfect.

Note: It's super interesting that my W thinks (and likely knows) that she has all the power here. She said: "I don't want to give you hope". Like what the hell?

It was a temperature check. She expected you to say something like "I will wait as long as it takes" thus reaffirming your Plan B position. You didn't take the bait. GOOD. Next time you might even take it a step further and say something like "as far as I'm concerned a lot would have to change before I would even consider the possibility of reconciling" and then walk away.

[Jac12]

Thanks AS - I think mentally I'm getting to that point too. Although I empathize with her own struggles I'm also realizing how poorly she has treated me and our son. I'm a good man with good morals and I feel like I deserve (I hate that word) to be treated better whether its her or a new partner.

I still have a long way to go but I'm getting better at handling this and focusing more on myself. If I don't value myself how will she ever value me?

[Mario]

Thanks unchien - some good reminders in there. This is why posting here helps instead of acting on emotions or talking to family or friends.

I completely understand where she is coming from and I'm good at letting things go but it's still crazy that she still can't see the damage she's caused...I guess she still has a long way to go in her own healing.

A bit of cold water. You don't know what she's thinking and frankly it doesn't help to waste time on it. Maybe she can see the damage. Maybe you didn't see the damage that brought her to this place (many LBS can't or see it too late)

Also, I don't believe in the Plan B. I've talked to a number of WAS and not one told be their plan B was their old spouse. Not one.

[Jac12]

A bit of cold water. You don't know what she's thinking and frankly it doesn't help to waste time on it. Maybe she can see the damage. Maybe you didn't see the damage that brought her to this place (many LBS can't or see it too late)

Also, I don't believe in the Plan B. I've talked to a number of WAS and not one told be their plan B was their old spouse. Not one.

What do you mean you don't believe in Plan B?

I completely understand I don't know what she's thinking and I used to waste too much time trying to figure it out. Maybe she can see the damage but I honestly don't think she sees things like that as of yet. Also, we had a good marriage - lots of fun times together, no fighting or toxic crap, and lots of love...right around after our son was born things seemed to change and her dad became more and more sick until he finally passed away due to brain cancer. That's the damage I see Mario...the other option is that she just doesn't want to be with me anymore for whatever reasons she has but I don't think I specifically caused any damage. I also took care of our family financially...

Where I struggled with was thinking too much about our future and not enjoying the present, not taking her on dates after our son was born (but by this time she was already checking out a bit, even with our son), and we should have communicated better about things in general...if those are reasons to divorce then I'm clueless myself.

Those issues should have been discussed and resolved together - that's what you do in a marriage.

[Jac12]

Merry Chritmas everyone...like most a bit of an interesting day yesterday.

Overall it was a success as my son had a great day.

My WAW stayed overnight at my place Christmas eve so we both could be with our son for a bit in the morning. I then went to my moms for our family celebration and she went to her moms.

Around 3:00 I went to go drop off my son at W's moms for their Christmas. I stayed for about 30 minutes and my W and I were talking for most of the time:

W: would you like to stay for a beer?
Me: No thanks, I won't be here too long.
(play with our son for a bit)
W: Would you like some food?
Me: No it's ok, saving room for the turkey.
Me: How are you doing today? Feeling ok? (1st Christmas without her father)
W: yeah I've had a couple cries and I'm sure some more when my brother gets here. I'm doing ok though."
W: Are you sure you don't want to stay?
Me: Yes, I should get going....but thank you for the invite.

I said bye to her family and she walked me to the door. She gives me a big hug and as I'm leaving she starts crying. Now...old me would have tried to comfort her and walked back in. This time though I just walked back, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and said bye.

I'm not reading too much into that exchange - it's happened before and it didn't change anything. I also am done trying to fix her and be her comfort blanket.

[Jac12]

So I'm realizing that she has drawn me back in...It's been 6 weeks since I got back from Florida and she seemed to be doing better and getting closer to her old self. She was hanging around the house a bit more and asking more questions about our son on the nights she wasn't with him.

The last two weeks I feel like she's regressed back to how she was a few months ago - distant. Now she's still being a bit more open but she hasn't offered to spend anytime with me except for the invite to her family's Christmas dinner. This Christmas was also the first Christmas without her father so I'm sure that's been weighing on her too.

For New Years, I offered her to join me and another couple (we always saw them at New Years) and she doesn't seem interested and although she doesn't yet have concrete plans it seems she'd rather see what her friends end up doing than spend it with me. The crappy thing is a few weeks ago she seemed to come to the realization that love is a choice and after you've been with someone for a long time you enter a different phase in the relationship. So she says she understands that but still doesn't seem to be choosing me (except for things I can help her with or she knows I'm good at).

So now I feel like I've been roped back in and now she's getting distant again.

So...I was doing well and now I've regressed. The Pursuit-Distance Dynamic is likely rearing it's head so I really need to be better at focusing on myself and my son and GAL whenever I can. I've fallen into a rut I can tell.

I would appreciate any advice...I feel lost at the moment with how to proceed - I guess I just need to get back to doing what I was doing in September and October before I went away on the trip. I was prepared to meet with our L's and figure out the separation agreement. I wasn't contacting her at all (and I still don't but in her presence I'm starting more conversations - not about us though). I was mentally preparing myself to be a single dad and for the last 6 weeks I've though that maybe our family would be back together and that EXPECTATION has created some negative emotions in me now.

2x4's welcome.

[LH19]

J,

I don’t think you need 2x4s. I think you know exactly what’s going on here and the expectations got the best of you. She’s sitting in a good spot right now with you pursing and waiting around for her. How can you change the dynamics?