Thanks job. I guess the stickler is that she does actually seem so much happier, she is a dressing her issues and childhood trauma, She's gotten fit, lost 3 stone, developed a really strong support network of friends, taking classes, got her finances in order etc etc. I'm far behind her, been completely stuck on wanting to save the marriage. Not sure she is out to lunch because she was unhappy and did something about it. I don't agree it was the right thing but her support network all do.
I know the answer, I think Detach Grow Learn
Jdevast Why do you think she has done all of these things? I would like to get everyone else's opinion you're on this as well the vets. I enjoy hearing different perspectives outside of the obvious that they weren't happy.
Thanks job. I guess the stickler is that she does actually seem so much happier, she is a dressing her issues and childhood trauma, She's gotten fit, lost 3 stone, developed a really strong support network of friends, taking classes, got her finances in order etc etc. I'm far behind her, been completely stuck on wanting to save the marriage. Not sure she is out to lunch because she was unhappy and did something about it. I don't agree it was the right thing but her support network all do.
I know the answer, I think Detach Grow Learn
Jdevast Why do you think she has done all of these things? I would like to get everyone else's opinion you're on this as well the vets. I enjoy hearing different perspectives outside of the obvious that they weren't happy.
IMO... it's Jdevast's perception / mind reading. She is also GAL-ing, but you don't know how she's actually feeling internally.
I'm GAL-ing and whenever my WW sees me, she says I'm doing stuff and moving on, but she doesn't know that I'm still struggling and surviving inside. I've spent more time with old friends mainly for support that I need. I've lost more weight from stress than working out. So it's quite possibly the case for your wife too.
Jde, this stuff is difficult. Other than serious health issues, this will be the most difficult thing you will go through.
However, this is not a competition. So what if she appears happy. Do you really think she would let you see if she is unhappy with her choice? It will take a long time before she can admit to herself it was a mistake, let alone to you.
So yes, the answer is to DB. The answer is to put big-boy pants on and not sit and feel sorry for yourself. We had a poster here a few months ago. His W left him for another guy, then took out a TRO on him (by his own admission he punched her car as she drove away). Poor guy would sit and stew in his own juices every night. Then make tons of excuses as to why he couldn't go GAL. I say all the time, that the posters that struggle the worst are the ones that do GAL the worst. So go out and be busy!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks people, its time to stop what I'm doing and focus on myself, I was at the house again today helping with work and kids, we were getting on really well, had some jokes.
Then early evening I heard her talking to her friends. Friend: why don't you just #### with ( name of guy) and get it over with.
W: I'd love to, only then I'd be really hooked.
This is the same guy who was part of her friend group months before bd. Same guy she was dancing in club with. I'm devastated. Part of me wants to believe this is stupid girl talk
I dunno. Hurts like h#ll tho. She noticed I was in a pretty quiet mood later, questioned on what's wrong, I didn't tell her what I'd heard, she kept on.
Eventually I said I'm finding things pretty tough some days with everything that's happened to us. She replies there is no us ,I don't know what you want from me.
Then the kids came in, went to s12 school concert.
She left and went and sat in the car half way through, She's come down with flu, I know she's really stressed with us, the kids and her childhood trauma resurfacing.
I know now she's not doing as well as she's been making out. It's just this infuriating girl talk now the 3 of them are all single. Now I also know she's really got the hots for this guy.
No saving this right now but I don't know how to let go mentally. We have Friday planned shopping with kids, weekend is my d6 Xmas party then next week Xmas hols and spending Xmas with kids for 3 days at the house.
So you snooped . Where did that end up ? Then you tested the water with her for sympathy. How did that go ? Sandys rules are there for a reason . Any progress you have made has now been reset . You have to be resolute.
We've got family counselling in 2 days, all r talks have been agreed to be put off until then. I don't know if this is the opportunity to make it clear I don't want a divorce, I'd prefer to work on things. It gets emotional in the sessions, for me anyway. Not going to bring up this guy she likes or anything. I do want to raise that I would like to break the drama triangle we always fall into of rescuer, victim, persucutor.
Feel I have to say or communicate something about how I'm not giving up to make things easier for her so she can cake eat.
I don't know, so much I want to say, none of it feels particularly helpful to sitch other than coming across as needy.
Any advice welcome on how I can approach this counselling session.
I think it is too late for you to cancel . I’m no expert but I would listen and validate . It’s obvious she already knows how you feel . Get a notepad and take notes . You are going to get emotional curve balls thrown at you . No tears or neediness my friend . Hopefully someone can give you some advice that has the expertise
Thanks for the 2x4 Try hard, Could kick myself for my response. And wish I'd never heard them. Am I back at square one?
How do I go from here with all the family contact coming up. I can fake Pma I guess and just stick like h#ll to the boundaries of no more r talks, regardless of whether she initiates. Feel like she has been testing me to destruction this past week and I crumbled.
Hoping we can retain some of the trust around the kids etc.
Great news JD , glad to hear you are going to step up . Show her what a great father you are , take extra care of the kids . No letting them get lost . Try not to convey your neediness and hopelessness to her . I think you are in need of detachment my friend . Get sandys rules buttoned down so it becomes second nature . If you find your mind overthinking about her and your situation, use the stop sign trick and have something else to occupy your mind
Yep going to re-read the detachment threads again now. Read them many times and can't seem to make any progress, I guess hope still gets in the way.
So angry about statements this week about just wanting to be on her own, to heal and deal with the trauma, I really believed her. Maybe her thoughts are all screwy but it's clear she has been "hooked" on the idea of this guy for some time.
. Try not to convey your neediness and hopelessness to her . I think you are in need of detachment my friend . Get sandys rules buttoned down so it becomes second nature . If you find your mind overthinking about her and your situation, use the stop sign trick and have something else to occupy your mind