Cross countries separation EU

[Pack_19]

hi all!

I have an important question I want to ask. After being here 2 weeks close to my family I have not been able to see our S1 and S6 outside of my visiting schedule according to the agreement I signed when I was in Germany with my W.

To give some background, when I signed the agreement I was all low and feeling guilty for the M issues and we signed a very basic agreement where:
> W gets very generous pension with some additional items that should not be there
> I visit Thursday to Monday every 15 days
> W gets to choose school for S1 and S6
> I stay in Germany
> The pension was calculated only based on my salary, W has a new job now and I do not know her salary. She did not even tell me her new address, I had to get it via the moving labels (this is so sad sometimes I feel like asking for the D myself)

This does not cover my family picking up the children when I am not there, weekly visits when I am here working from home, a fair pension...

My life situation is due to change and I am moving back to Spain so I have a great opportunity to change everything as both my home address and salary will change. I have 2 options.

1 - I use the same attorney we did (who favors her) and cause no issue
2 - I use my new one, I spend $2000 and make a new agreement. I have asked for it to remain a separation to what the attorney has laughed because it costs the same and implies the same as a D but I told her my vision is to save my M and hopefully R.

I want to defend my position but at the same time remain respectful and cordial to W because of course I am not going to initiate D (in her mind our M is dead I know but I am going to fight for this). What should I do?

[AnotherStander]

Definitely option 2. I'm a big proponent of fighting for your parental rights and getting the most visitation you can. Regarding saving your M, that is way, way down the road. So don't back down from your parental rights in the hopes of appeasing her, because it won't. Nothing you can do will appease her for quite a while. In fact if you let her have her way, she will have even less respect for you.

[FlySolo]

1. Change in situation is grounds for a change to the separation agreement - but your attorney would have told you this.
2. In the UK (and in the EU I think) what is established during the separation becomes the status quo and in the event of a divorce, courts try and maintain the status quo because any further change is viewed as disruption to the children. What this means for you is if you only see the kids every 2nd weekend and this has been the norm throughout the separation, then the court views it as the status quo and it is harder to change. If you pay your W x amount each month, then the court views that as the norm and will try and maintain it.

If there is anything you want to change in respect of the separation then do it now because the longer it goes on then the longer the 'norm' is established and the more difficult it will be to change.

[Pack_19]

Hi FS, AS,

Thanks a lot for the reply, I definitely want to fight to change it and the lawyer has recommended it to me. I will change the agreement and keep it a plain separation.

I had a very good interaction with W yesterday, but my hopes are kept under control. I came to pick up the clothes of the children and it went something like this.

W: Hi, I know we need to talk about Christmas presents for S1 and S6 but I am very tired today and have tones of things to do, I'd rather call you at some other time, I hope you can respect it

Me: I understand. You must be very tired after the week with the children. I hope you get a good rest this weekend. I'll be there by 8 pm

(I arrive there and she comes out with suitcase, I pick it up and ask her a couple of school related questions)

Me: goodnight W (attempt to kiss her on the cheek)

W: I am not going to kiss you now

Me: Sure (walks away in cool fashion)

(10 mins later she calls me and we spend a great 20 min talking about her present ideas where I listen, ask questions and validate her feelings)

I dont know if she called me in regret after sending me away so fast or simply because it was a good time for her. I only know I want more of these interactions. I love all I am learning from you guys.

[AnotherStander]

Paco, given the volatile relationship the two of you have right now definitely do not go in for a kiss or a hug or anything of the sort. Stick to BUSINESS ONLY.

Me: I understand. You must be very tired after the week with the children. I hope you get a good rest this weekend. I'll be there by 8 pm

This is a good, validating yet business-like response. Try and maintain this type of communication with her both by text/ email and in person.

[Pack_19]

Hi all,

I have been reading the posts that Sandi made here and I have a couple of questions.

If she was escaping unhappiness in MR and foreign country and now she keeps ignoring me like a piece of paper, what chances do I have? who wants to go back to a place where we have suffered? I guess I am having a bad day, I asked her to talk about the kids this weekend and of course it was a mistake, back to GAL and LRT.

I keep reading and trying to accept the idea that she must decide, she must want to come back to the marriage and all I can do is be the greener grass. It is so unfair she cannot observe her mistakes, I made an unfortunate comment on the phone yesterday and she quickly cut me saying, "just stop, dont say that, what you ought to say is ok and listen". I am banging my head against a wall and I cannot ignore her and do a proper 180 because I still have that feeling that my life has collapsed.

When I speak to my son he keeps telling me he wants to live with us together, he wants to go back home in Germany and play with me again. I might have been a bad husband or taken my wife for granted but who does not ache in front of those words? I know they need me strong and positive but I am finding myself praying to God now. I cannot talk to my W, friends and family mock me for my position and hope and my son is asking me to keep going and that is enough to make me shake earth and sky. Thanks a lot to all of you!

[Pack_19]

My W never liked the way my family cuddles our children and buy them gifts. I am not sure what it is but my W now says I am the fun dad and I only buy my children's love. I think she has some serious mental alienation because I never ever had to buy their love and she is making me feel even worst than during our domestic separation.

[ozman]

Hello paco. I’m sorry your here

I’m new to giving advice so take it for what you will.

Right now your W doesn’t know anything except how miserable she is. I think you are reading too much into each conversation you have with her. Remember Sandis rules? How often have you read them? Remember. Believe nothing of what she says and only half of what she does.

You said you feel like a doormat. DONT BE A DOORMAT!! When you tried to kiss her you applied a massive amount of pressure. Pressure is bad. Very bad. Trust me. I have been one of the most hard headed unteachable people of this forum.

When you go out. You need to do it with QUALITY men. Guys you can talk to. Guys who will listen to you and guys who will back up your decision to fight for your M. Just understand that fighting for your M doesn’t mean anything about W. It’s all about you!

That being said. I know it’s hard. And painful. I’m sorry your here.

[FlySolo]

I am not sure what it is but my W now says I am the fun dad and I only buy my children's love. I think she has some serious mental alienation because I never ever had to buy their love and she is making me feel even worst than during our domestic separation.

I remember how hard it was when my kids were little. It seemed that all I ever did was wash, cook, clean and then start again. All this whilst two children were constantly wanting my attention. I couldn't even go to the toilet on my own as they didn't like me being in a different room. I use to wait until they'd gone to bed, pour myself a glass of wine and not finish it because I was too tired and all I really wanted to do was sleep. I can only imagine how much worse that would have felt if I was on my own and my H came every two weeks, took them out for ice-cream and walks in the park or to the zoo or whatever. It would [censored].

So, understand your W does not have some serious 'mental alienation'. She is tired and frustrated and sees you and the children having a good time. But, having said that, her frustrations are her problem. Her tiredness are her problems. They have nothing to do with you and you have done nothing wrong.

Carry on as you have been. Giving your children love and affection is never wrong.

Maybe validate a little.

"W, I understand why you may think but I only see the children every two weeks and the time is precious to me. I want to make them count. I am not buying their love. I am showing them that they are loved."

Merry Christmas Paco

[Pack_19]

hi all!

Thanks a lot for your replies and Merry Christmas to all of you as well. I have been better with the children but my W is still ignoring me even if I try and tell her about the little one being sick.

I do not want to put any pressure on her but I still feel like my life cannot go on forever like this, I look at the little one smiling and I think "how can this not be a reason to fight? I will change all I have to and keep the confidence but I will reunite my family"

I talked to the lawyer about changing the separation agreement and I hope I can sit down with her before that all happens. It would feel cold but I already asked her to split children from our R/D.

With Christmas coming I wanted to send her a meaningful present, something as the first movie we saw at a theater but people warn me against this, what do you guys think?

The other day on the phone she was asking me not to mention anything about us and she shouted to me that it was incredible how I had destroyed our marriage during 5 years and that I have not changed a little bit. I am killing any temper bursts, being more positive and happy than ever with my children and around W and as I always say exercising and good food are helping me incredibly.

Every single day I think about asking her out, then I come here, read a bit and cry at home.

If I write to her something sincere and loving she will tell me that I am playing psychological games on her, what does she mean by that?

I have seen her 3 or 4 times in 2 months and always she remains cold and aggressive with me. Everybody around me tells me she is happy and going out and moving on. I cannot find anyone outside of here that supports my position to save my M so I end up going out to have fun and avoid the subject.

Is there a positive way to interact with her during the holidays?

Thanks a lot for all your help!