This is a gift

[unchien]

Previous thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2875746

[Jdevast]

Nice change of title U.
What's changing for you?

[unchien]

Do you think it is possible that she was partially pushing the custody issue in order to get enough $$ in child support to keep the house/lifestyle? I would worry that it might flare up again once she sees the full picture. Not sure what the situation is like in your state though.

Hi may ~

It's possible, although I doubt it. For one, she just granted me extra custody in our informal arrangement.

I truly believe the custody issue was emotionally driven. For instance, right before I moved out, I had gone out in the woods to shoot a pellet gun with S7. My W reacted as if I was a dangerous gun-toting H who may harm her and the kids at any moment. Things were very intense there for awhile. It's taken 6 months of slow and gradual progress (and pain being separated from my kids more than I think is fair or healthy)... but we are getting closer to a "normal" parenting arrangement.

Also, the difference between 100% and 50% custody (for child support) is not enough to move the needle as far as keeping the house. My state (and most, I believe) tweak their recommendation calculators so that people benefit financially by sharing custody and working. This is done specifically so people don't fight over the kids just to get more money.

Recently, my W asked me to help her work out whether or not she could keep the house, because she trusts my financial judgment. I turned her down. I told her that I'm willing to negotiate when it comes down to it (rather than force a house sale), but I don't want to be giving her financial advice which she may later resent. She thought it was weird, but so be it. It's a far cry from being accused of being "financially controlling" back during the pre-BD days.

[unchien]

Nice change of title U.
What's changing for you?

Ha -- it always takes me awhile to come up with a title, and within 24 hours I regret my choice.

I decided to go positive today. It's hard to maintain a PMA sometimes. But early in my sitch I latched onto the idea that "this is a GIFT" and I think about it every day. It keeps me from wallowing sometimes.

I think it's also in Cadet's introductory response when you first post here.

[unchien]

DB'ers I need your help.

I'm spinning a bit today.

Counseling appt with W tomorrow. She texted me today:

- She no longer has time afterwards to discuss mediation and "several other things." "Maybe next week".

- She proposed dropping the kids off at my house rather late on Xmas day (mid-afternoon). I think late morning is appropriate.

Most importantly,

- She didn't realize she agreed to the 2-3-4-5 schedule. She thought I only wanted to add 2 days per month. She's "not okay" with my proposal and thinks it isn't "fair." This apparently was a text miscommunication... and of course she continues with text to try to communicate.

I told her "I do not want to continue this over text."

I am fully committed to DB as a way to conduct myself. 180s, PMA, detach, listen, validate.

But... I feel like I need to stop catering to my W under the label that I am "DB-ing". Stop going to C sessions under the guise of trying to be better co-parents. Stop tolerating a less-than-"fair in the eyes of the law" custody and financial situation. Stop dealing with her waiting until the last minute then peppering me with texts.

I feel like I need to go to C tomorrow and be firm and resolute. "We need to start mediation by X date. Our current arrangement, or small changes to it, is not longer acceptable to me. I agreed to this arrangement during our separation as a path for us to work on the MR."

Any thoughts on this are welcome.

The biggest 180 I can do in my life is to stop being conflict avoidant, stop trying to people please, and stop devaluing my self-worth. I have plenty of empathy for my W. That doesn't mean I need to put up a situation that doesn't work for me.

[Ready2Change]

Full disclosure: I am not following your sitch, but read your last post.


Here is a text message I send my X the most:
"I sent you an email"

I can't control what she does, but I can control how I respond. Do this enough, and your W will communicate via email. At some point, she will also send a text to check your email.



Hopefully you are negotiating (discussing) things in writing (EMAIL). If not start now. No more voice.

But... I feel like I need to stop catering to my W under the label that I am "DB-ing". Stop going to C sessions under the guise of trying to be better co-parents. Stop tolerating a less-than-"fair in the eyes of the law" custody and financial situation. Stop dealing with her waiting until the last minute then peppering me with texts.

I feel like I need to go to C tomorrow and be firm and resolute. "We need to start mediation by X date. Our current arrangement, or small changes to it, is not longer acceptable to me. I agreed to this arrangement during our separation as a path for us to work on the MR."

The biggest 180 I can do in my life is to stop being conflict avoidant, stop trying to people please, and stop devaluing my self-worth. I have plenty of empathy for my W. That doesn't mean I need to put up a situation that doesn't work for me.

Sounds like good ideas.

[may22]

Actually? I think your plan is right on. You are setting your boundaries and standing up for what you believe is right. You aren't doing it for her reaction or as a way to try to win her back.

Sounds like you've dropped the rope. Congrats.

(of course take this all with a grain of salt since I am floundering... but I think you're doing the right thing.)

[unchien]

Thanks R2C. My most common text is probably "Let's please not continue this over text" (or some variation).

With e-mail, my W has given me the "I didn't get your e-mail" or the "I haven't checked my e-mail in X days" responses. Sometimes I text her with "Please see the e-mail I sent you." And then get no response.

In other words, I don't feel like we have a working communication protocol.

Sometimes I get the "UC If we can't work this out over voice/text how are we going to be able to do this?"

may22 ~ thanks for your feedback. I can't tell if I'm just really really ticked off today and need to calm down. Or if I've been excusing my conflict avoidance under the guise of being a "patient DB'er". DB isn't always about patience.

I have moments where I think I should just retain a L and file and get the ball rolling. Sometimes I think we are headed there anyways. Sometimes I think that would be the biggest 180 I could make.

Our whole current situation feels like a sham. I agreed to it because my wife was making wild abuse allegations and I thought some time and space would help things calm down to a point where we could work on the MR. I still think we needed the physical separation.

But DB has also taught me emotional awareness. And right now I am feeling like I'm sick of this sh*t. Which tells me I'm angry, worked up, and may be reacting emotionally.

[IronWill]

Hey U -

Sorry to hear that you're in a spin.

I wouldn't respond to or discuss anything until you've had time to calm down and think about this.

Do you absolutely HAVE to go to MC tomorrow? Is it truly necessary to see each other when you're both upset?

If I were in your shoes, I would highly consider cancelling.

If you do have to go, I would recommend not talking about either mediation or "other things". They are triggers for you right now.

[Ready2Change]

W:"I didn't get your e-mail"
H:"I just resent it"

W"I haven't checked my e-mail in X days"
H"That is why I notify with a text"

W: "UC If we can't work this out over voice/text how are we going to be able to do this?"
H"I sent you an email"

H:"Please see the e-mail I sent you."
W: no response.
She is being passive-aggressive. You set and hold boundaries.

Example from my life:

Hi W,

It appears there is some confusion regarding this fathers day. I would like to reach a mothers day / fathers day agreement with you.

I was talking to the children about fathers day and they all said "Mom said she doesn't want us to be with you on fathers day and there is nothing in the paperwork." In the past, you have dropped the kids off the night before at 6p and I dropped them back off at 6p. I did check the divorce agreement and there is nothing regarding Fathers day or Mothers day.

I see two options that are best for our children and allow them to spend mothers day/ fathers day with the appropriate parent:

1) 24 hour option --> 8:30p the night before to 8:30p the night of
2) 11.5 hour option --> 9a the day of to 8:30p the day of

Do either of these sound good to you? If not, do you have another suggestion?

If I don't hear back from you by 5p today, I will initiate the mediation process to help us come to resolution.

Thanks for you attention to this matter.

Best Regards,R2C

I searched the paperwork last week and saw nothing regarding Mother's/Father's Day.

Yes, searching the paperwork will not give you the answer to my question. Searching your core values will. I have spoken with each of the children and they all expressed their deep desires to share mothers day with you and fathers day with me. We can do the right thing for our kids and allow them to spend fathers day with me and mothers day with you. Or we can fall back on legal paperwork. Your choice. I just suggest making the right choice for the right reasons.

If you change your mind before 1p tomorrow (That will give you ample time to speak with the children and hear their true feelings as well as consult anyone else) , let me know and we can work out the exchange times.

If I don't hear back from you, I will consider this matter closed (even though I don't think it is the right choice) and we will stick to the normal parenting schedule on mothers day and fathers day from this point forward.

Best Regards,

R2C