I have a L I consulted awhile ago who would be my first choice.
The key point is through mediation or other means I should get this ball rolling ASAP.
Everything appears amicable now. But that’s because I have been willing to be unhappy to keep things “amicable” on the surface. That’s on me. It is NGS behavior.
I need to drop the goal of an amicable D for now. I will still conduct myself respectfully and be cordial and willing to negotiate and coparent, etc. I will also assert my needs.
At the same time, I’m not going to cave into fears that I may lose custody or she may clean out the bank accounts. We aren’t at that point yet. I’ll be monitoring accounts daily now just in case. For groceries, last time she came to my house she dropped off several bags of different homemade Xmas goodies. I’m pretty sure she went out and spent a bunch on the supplies, special bags, etc. Definitely frivolous given our current situation.
Maybe I'm reading things wrong here, U - it seems like other posters here view your sit differently than me. So I'll keep my thoughts brief.
What if - and this is a big what if - you delayed all of this until after the holidays? Is there really an urgent need to solve every single thing at this time of year?
I think you should still find ways to set and keep important boundaries(ie finances), but...
I dont know about you all but I'm finding it really tough around the holidays and - keep in mind - my sit has calmed down somewhat recently. Making life altering decisions seems like it would only add to the pressure, no?
I have the same thoughts about timing. Keep in mind we agreed to this over 2 months ago.
We agreed to D at end of September. It’s been dragged out. I am spending probably 3-4K/mo more than I would post-D. I am seeing my kids less than I want.
I empathize with my W’s situation, but I’ve been doing so at the expense of my own. I am ready to move on. I do think she will cling on to this lifestyle as long as she can and it’s not healthy for either of us... because it does not represent what a post-D life will look like. She does need to face the consequences.
Now if somehow we could fix the custody and money issue, of course I wouldn’t be pushing D. At the same time, I don’t see how this is possible. For instance, she refuses to go back to work until she determines if she can keep the house. In my mind this is a ridiculous position, but she doesn’t want to be working one day a week while also trying to stage a house for sale. Ok, I can empathize with that, while also believing it is not a very fair position. I work full time and have weekdays with the kids. I am sacrificing. Her life has barely changed other than me moving out, and me having the kids 4 days every 2 weeks.
DB can be very appealing to a NG. I often confuse empathy with people pleasing. The fact is, I haven’t enjoyed being my W’s partner for 2 years. She is controlling and unwilling to communicate. She bends rules. I am not perfect. But I need to protect myself now. If she changes, maybe I will still have the door open. Continuing in these circumstances is not healthy for me. Or my kids. I want to be able to build a life, and not sit waiting idly while my money and time with the kids are sucked away.
I have to post this for the newcomers so they are able to learn from other people’s mistakes. If you would have listened to our advice and not moved out and attended MC you would saved money and most likely forced her hand to accept D immediately.
LH - I agree with you. My W at that time was wildly accusing me of abuse. We would have gone straight to D.
I imagine I would have had to go to court for any custody. In that respect I feel like this 6 month period has put me on solid ground to advocate for 50/50 and proven I am a good father.
I have the same thoughts about timing. Keep in mind we agreed to this over 2 months ago.
My W said she wanted to sell the house by summer and get a D almost 10 months ago. Yet here we still are.
I know the feeling, man - truly I do. Logic will not work here. Time has no meaning here. I'm sorry you are in this position, but that's the reality of it, unfortunately.
Originally Posted by unchien
She does need to face the consequences.
Now if somehow we could fix the custody and money issue, of course I wouldn’t be pushing D. At the same time, I don’t see how this is possible.
Thought experiment here - theoretically, put aside the D talk for a sec -
Have you established any boundaries regarding finances with W before?
You have said earlier that she trusts your financial acumen. So what if - and again, it's a big what if and in no way am I telling you what to do here, its just a thought - you told W you have changed your mind. You have decided to re-run the budget and have found that the finances are currently unsustainable? Theoretically, what do you think would happen?
I did this with my W in the middle of all the S and D talk from her (this happened in upside down land - where she was pushing S and D and still asked me if I would rework "our" budget..?!?)
It was an opportunity for me to set a boundary, and I did. It was her first consequence and boy did she get angry. But I stuck to it - made my case and that was that.
Just a few thoughts from another possible route. Others may tell you to just pull the plug. Maybe you should, maybe you shouldn't - I can't tell you what to do. that's up to you to decide.
I get what you are driving at. D is one way to solve my problem, but not the only way.
Set aside the custody issue. Perhaps I can negotiate that on the side.
The house issue entangles this mess. If we were both renting, I would propose a financial separation, where I route my paycheck to my own account, then pay her a monthly support payment. Then our money isn't mixed. Problem solved.
But with the house it is a mess. What do we do about the mortgage? I am a co-owner of the house. Do we say that the principal pay-down is not part of the support payment? What about property taxes? She thinks she is doing me a favor by maintaining the house, for instance.
It's complicated and messy. She won't go back to work until she determines if she can keep the house. This seems excessive - she only plans to work one day per week, so I don't see how a potential house sale should prevent her from working. I know what my maximum support payment in a D would be, and I know how I propose to split our assets (50/50, but also take into account that I brought in a substantial asset base pre-MR). Unless her friends or family gift her money, she can't keep it. It's not even close. She would need maybe 300K to materialize out of thin air. We could barely afford it when I did live there.
I have not wanted to be the person to tell her she can't keep the house. It will come off as controlling. But she has asked a few times. Maybe I should just say what I think.
Anyways, I guess my point is... a financial separation would give me some peace of mind. Accomplishing that while owning an unaffordable house is not possible. So my alternative is to push to sell the house and financially separate. At which point, we may as well just D.
She thinks she is doing me a favor by maintaining the house, for instance.
It's complicated and messy. She won't go back to work until she determines if she can keep the house. This seems excessive - she only plans to work one day per week.
Still stuck, will have to think more...
She is in for a rude awakening. Work only one day per week? It's like she believes your whole paycheck will go to her. She seems stuck in a fog/fantasy. It sounds like she isn't too aware of what you handled financially. On some end, I'm wondering if you don't want her and the family to learn the hard way. I can relate.
Take the time to think, be sure of it, make sure that the end result isn't a NGS response and post it here for the vets. It sounds like she will sadly suffer with her choice. May be a form of tough love to let her handle her choice here with the house.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Yes, I worry about how hard it will hit her when she realizes keeping the house is a fantasy.
Now, if her plan was to go work FT, she could possibly, just possibly, eke it out. She would have to liquidate a large portion of her part of our assets to do so. But it may be possible.
It will also be a rude awakening when I mention I brought in a substantial amount of money before the marriage, and according to state law she is not entitled to that either.
I imagine she may offer that I treat the house as an "investment" while she resides there. That is a hard no for me.
One thing I do know... I am not benefiting by dragging this out, and I think it does not benefit my W either (as it perpetuates her fantasy).
What if - and this is a big what if - you delayed all of this until after the holidays? Is there really an urgent need to solve every single thing at this time of year?
Quote
Set aside the custody issue. Perhaps I can negotiate that on the side.
I have a friend who delayed the divorce after moving out and while not exactly the same sitch it was similar. He went to court and because of the routine established, the fact he moved out, and the abuse allegations he now gets to see his children every other weekend and lunch on Wednesday once a month. He has gone back to court to get the parenting time changed to 50/50 and has lost every time because the judge did not want to disturb the children's routine. She has remarried and my friends children call the new guy dad and consider my friend as more of an uncle. There is nothing he can do about it and he has already spent well over $100,000 fighting the system. I am all for DB and for holding out for reconciliation until it causes the relationship with your children to become permanently harmed. If you divorce you don't have to become hostile and angry. Let your lawyer know what you want and he fights in court for it, meanwhile you can still treat your wife with respect and make the changes you would have in normal DB.
This is not about boundaries with your wife or making her face consequences, it is about protecting your rights as a father. It seems like in many sitches here the WAS hurts the LBS in all sorts of ways but leaves the children out of it but there are a few where you see the LBS losing not only the marriage but much of their rights as a parents as well.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
