Newlywed and in crisis

[AnotherStander]

Our relationship can be described as one sided. Out of the two of us, I am the more romantic person and have no problems expressing my affection. My partner on the other hand can be described as “hot and cold” when it comes to the relationship. Some days she is warm and affectionate but then other days she is cold and distant.

This is a lot like my current girlfriend. We've been dating 5 years now and she runs very hot and very cold. Like Alison mentioned, learning about the pursuit/ distance dynamic may help you. I know it has helped me with my GF. It's human nature to pursue when people distance, but that only makes them want more distance so they run away even faster. So then you pursue even harder which just makes it worse. You can only break the cycle by doing the OPPOSITE of what you think you should do. When she distances, then you pull back yourself. The distancer will stop distancing, and with time will start pursuing. So yes, time and space is what you need to give her right now.

Because of this, whenever she is cold, I often bring it up and asked for her to be more affectionate.

This is exactly what I mean, she distances and you pursue. Try doing the opposite. When she distances don't ask her about it, just pull back and leave her alone.

It often didn’t go well because she’ll get upset and shut herself down.

Right, because the more you pursue the more trapped she feels.

Hoping once we’re married everything will be better (she explained to me that she can only show 100% of her affection once we’re married.

A lot of people get married with huge expectations that the other person will change from a troubled boyfriend/girlfriend into the perfect spouse. It NEVER EVER happens. She is who she is and you need to learn to love her just the way she is.

To be honest, after the wedding everything was fine. We were both loving and I was content with everything. The first few days were blissful. It baffles me how she broke down and gave up on everything just like that.

It may be temporary, don't lose hope just yet. Give her time and space and be very patient with her. If she reaches out to you then be there for her, but don't try to force yourself on her (I don't mean in the physical sense, I mean to give her space).

[funbun]

Thank you for the insight AnotherStander. Now that I’ve read the pursuer-distancer dynamic, it does sound a lot like what me and W had prior to the marriage. I will try to back off for a couple of days and see what happens.

I am also thinking of living separately for a few weeks to give her the space she seemed to need. Is this wise? Or is it going to back-fire in some way because she doesn’t seem to want me around and doing this seems like giving her what she wants.

[SteveLW]

funbun, thanks for the details. That helps. A lot.

You need to just back way off and give her time and space. Let her make her decision. Do not try to reason with her.

Concentrate on yourself, GAL, 180 on any poor behavior on your part (maybe get into IC to explore what that might be), and detach. Detachment is so important because it keeps you from applying pursuit and pressure. Your goal for right now is to stop all pursuit and pressure.

I would wait on separation. Likely you are exploring floating that because you are under the what we call the "illusion of action". You feel you must DO something. Anything. However, what you need to understand that doing nothing IS doing something. Most of the time in DBing, doing nothing is the right approach.

So take some time, think it over. Don't do it out of the feeling you need to do something. There is nothing worse than deciding to suggest this, having her take you up on it, and then regretting the offer.

Deep breaths. You are going through a lot of awful stuff at a time when you should be beaming with happiness and hope for a new life together. It is traumatic, and you need to take the time necessary to process everything and think things through.

[Ready2Change]

Hi FB,


Thanks for clarifying.

How can one be continue to be loving to someone that does not love back?

It is a choice. Love the person. dislike behavior.

I am not familiar with your religion, but the ones that I am familiar with, I have to "read between the lines" to get at the truth. I am sure there are teachings on how to love. You use your discernment on the teachings. Is what I am about to do, going bring us closer together or push us farther apart?

Think before you act. Act when when you are calm. Do nothing (or pull away) when emotional.

[Ready2Change]

I just re-read your first post. Where do you live? Are you in the US or someplace else?


Things that work are completely counter-intuitive.

For example, you work on the marriage by not working on the marriage. This takes all the pressure off.

It is critically important that you do not try to control her. Your natural instinct is to attempt to convince her that she should stay married. This is also pressure. "You are free to do what you want" is the mindset you need.

You both have issues. The only person you can control is yourself. Focus on making positive changes. Change the way you behave, the way you interact. You fix you. She fixes her.

You did a great job at listening to what she said. Validating her EMOTIONAL FEELINGS should be your number one goal when interacting with her. You should be her rock. Let her be as emotional as she needs. She needs to feel safe expressing her emotions to you. You should not let her emotions effect you at all. How you handle her emotion is important. Reflect back to her how she feels with your words. Read the validation thread over and over.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

[funbun]

Thanks again everyone. Stopping the pursuit and detachment seems to be the way to go at the moment.

I would wait on separation. Likely you are exploring floating that because you are under the what we call the "illusion of action". You feel you must DO something. Anything. However, what you need to understand that doing nothing IS doing something. Most of the time in DBing, doing nothing is the right approach.

So take some time, think it over. Don't do it out of the feeling you need to do something. There is nothing worse than deciding to suggest this, having her take you up on it, and then regretting the offer.

I haven't thought of it that way. This helps. Thanks Steve.

Where do you live? Are you in the US or someplace else?

I live outside of the US. In a predominately muslim country.

[funbun]

There is another matter.

W birthday is coming up soon (in four days). Usually I would do some sort of grand romantic gesture for her, but in this current situation I am thinking of toning it down a bit. Perhaps a simple "happy birthday" greeting and a small gift. I think ignoring her birthday (detachment) is bad and yet going full on celebrating it in a grand romantic way is also bad. Somewhere in the middle. Thoughts?

Thinking of booking a spa treatment for her. She's feeling depressed so it might help...?

[AnotherStander]

Given that you are still newlyweds, I would still get her something but I agree that you don't want to go overboard as that will feel like pursuit to her. Spa treatment sounds like a great idea!

[Ready2Change]

I agree with the spa treatment. Put a gift card in a "Enjoy your birthday" card. Let her make the appointment. You just cover the cost. Do not give it to her in person. Leave it someplace she will find it.

If I was in your shoes, I would have plans doing something away from her. Give her space on her birthday. You go do something manly.

[funbun]

I agree with the spa treatment. Put a gift card in a "Enjoy your birthday" card. Let her make the appointment. You just cover the cost. Do not give it to her in person. Leave it someplace she will find it.

If I was in your shoes, I would have plans doing something away from her. Give her space on her birthday. You go do something manly.

Thank you for this. I did something like this, W said “thank you” and accepted the gesture. I was expecting her to get annoyed or something but I think she appreciated it but trying not to show it.