Here are a few thoughts/suggestions for you to take or leave:
-- with January 15 as your date to move forward with mediation, try to stop thinking and worrying about it now. Put it out of your head and focus on enjoying the holidays. When is your upcoming meeting? Can you just state it then and then put it out of your mind?
-- are you taking any time off work to hang with your kids over the holidays? Assuming they are off school-- maybe plan (if you can) a fun dad day just for them. Day trip or take a night in a hotel. Maybe let them each plan some part of it. I don't know how that will all work with your custody situation and the fact that your wife doesn't work, but maybe you can ask for an extra day during the week (she may appreciate the opportunity to do her own Christmas shopping and such) or, just plan on one of the days you do have them. Your head is full of negative future thinking right now, thinking about what if you do X and what if she does Y... lots of worrying about things you don't have a lot of control over, like her actions. Take all that future planning energy and put it into something positive and under your own control.
-- Are there workbooks or anything like that in your state that you can fill out together to see what the post-D financial picture will look like? That could be something you suggest in front of the mediator-- and also the mediator should know just like an L should know the law in terms of how post-D finances work out. I would guess that any D mediator has been through this before and has seen it all. He or she should be able to steer you and your W through her freak-out when she starts to understand that she is living in fantasy land. And/or, you could say in your upcoming meeting that you've started to look into the financial picture of what legal S or D might look like under your state's D laws... you could or could not say something like "it might not be a bad idea for you to do the same" but even if you don't say that, she might be clued in to take a look.
A good friend was D in CA with a lot of complicated assets in different states. Splitting that all up was incredibly complicated and there was spousal support in the picture as well. She retained an L for consulting even though they went through the mediation process.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Here are a few thoughts/suggestions for you to take or leave:
-- with January 15 as your date to move forward with mediation, try to stop thinking and worrying about it now. Put it out of your head and focus on enjoying the holidays. When is your upcoming meeting? Can you just state it then and then put it out of your mind?
We meet tomorrow.
Originally Posted by may22
-- are you taking any time off work to hang with your kids over the holidays? Assuming they are off school-- maybe plan (if you can) a fun dad day just for them. Day trip or take a night in a hotel. Maybe let them each plan some part of it. I don't know how that will all work with your custody situation and the fact that your wife doesn't work, but maybe you can ask for an extra day during the week (she may appreciate the opportunity to do her own Christmas shopping and such) or, just plan on one of the days you do have them. Your head is full of negative future thinking right now, thinking about what if you do X and what if she does Y... lots of worrying about things you don't have a lot of control over, like her actions. Take all that future planning energy and put it into something positive and under your own control.
I do have roughly 50/50 time with the kids over the 2-week holidays. I will definitely be taking them to do some fun activities.
Originally Posted by may22
-- Are there workbooks or anything like that in your state that you can fill out together to see what the post-D financial picture will look like? That could be something you suggest in front of the mediator-- and also the mediator should know just like an L should know the law in terms of how post-D finances work out. I would guess that any D mediator has been through this before and has seen it all. He or she should be able to steer you and your W through her freak-out when she starts to understand that she is living in fantasy land. And/or, you could say in your upcoming meeting that you've started to look into the financial picture of what legal S or D might look like under your state's D laws... you could or could not say something like "it might not be a bad idea for you to do the same" but even if you don't say that, she might be clued in to take a look.
We went to a financial advisor back in September who mapped out enough where I thought this was clear. I also figured we would work this out in mediation - part of the reason I want to get started sooner rather than later.
Originally Posted by may22
A good friend was D in CA with a lot of complicated assets in different states. Splitting that all up was incredibly complicated and there was spousal support in the picture as well. She retained an L for consulting even though they went through the mediation process.
Fortunately we don't have much that is complicated other than the house. No shared businesses, etc.
What if - and this is a big what if - you delayed all of this until after the holidays? Is there really an urgent need to solve every single thing at this time of year?
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Set aside the custody issue. Perhaps I can negotiate that on the side.
I have a friend who delayed the divorce after moving out and while not exactly the same sitch it was similar. He went to court and because of the routine established, the fact he moved out, and the abuse allegations he now gets to see his children every other weekend and lunch on Wednesday once a month. He has gone back to court to get the parenting time changed to 50/50 and has lost every time because the judge did not want to disturb the children's routine. She has remarried and my friends children call the new guy dad and consider my friend as more of an uncle. There is nothing he can do about it and he has already spent well over $100,000 fighting the system. I am all for DB and for holding out for reconciliation until it causes the relationship with your children to become permanently harmed. If you divorce you don't have to become hostile and angry. Let your lawyer know what you want and he fights in court for it, meanwhile you can still treat your wife with respect and make the changes you would have in normal DB.
This is not about boundaries with your wife or making her face consequences, it is about protecting your rights as a father. It seems like in many sitches here the WAS hurts the LBS in all sorts of ways but leaves the children out of it but there are a few where you see the LBS losing not only the marriage but much of their rights as a parents as well.
I am hoping I am part of the 99% that do not end up in court.
I've heard the precedent argument, but again, I hope I'm not in the 1%. I have a L ready for that scenario. Whether she remarries and the new guy becomes dad is not within my control.
I get your point... custody is also an urgent issue. All of this is urgent. I'm trying to sort it out in my head, and come up with an appropriate plan. Setting custody aside was mostly a way for me to try to work out a plan for the finances and house.
I have a bad cold, and 2 of the 3 kids also have one. We had to cancel C. W and I still plan to talk on the phone this evening to close some items (not sure what they are though...)
I also found out my estranged parents now know what's going on, as my W's parents have been communicating with them. I would expect them to try to "help" me by reaching out, even though they cut me off 3 years ago. Extra stress to handle.
I had dinner with a D'd friend last night. He suspects I will end up in a court trial since my W's expectations are far off a typical D settlement. He also gave me a 2x4 -- even if my W is in fantasy-land right now, the erosion of our MR was just as much my fault as hers. It is true. I wish I could go back and clean up my part. I can't.
I'm also feeling overwhelmed by Xmas next week. Need to finish up some shopping for the kids. Lots of self-doubt about being a good dad.
Work is super busy this week. I've been trying to catch up, but the last 2 nights I have gone to sleep as soon as possible to fight this cold.
I know this is a wallowing, negative post. Just feeling overwhelmed, sick, and feeling like things are going to get worse here soon. Sometimes I feel 100% at fault for the MR falling apart. Sometimes this just s*cks.
I'm so sorry you're sick and feeling lousy. Sometimes it feels like the weight of everything comes crashing down all at once and we have no choice but to deal with life on life's terms. Yeah it does [censored].
I'm there too - feeling just blecch and wanting the holidays to hurry up and go away already.
Watch out only for yourself and your kids. Everyone else's drama is up to them - those are whole other cans of worms you don't have to deal with right now anyway. You've got enough on your plate.
I've had my fill of explaining things to people. Now - when asked, I say "I don't want to talk about it right now, but thank you."
I'm sure you know this already but be miserable if you need to be for a day. 180s, GAL, changing yourself can add some pressure and exhaustion especially with NGS. A couple days won't set you back and plenty of time to read or do a non physical hobby. Shop online for the kids.
A reminder-you had a part in the relationship breakdown but you are not to blame for whats happening, you didn't ask for D and you're working hard to build a new U.
I have a twice D'd friend on his third marriage having trouble and one that is healing his M after his W cheated for two years. Your sitch is difficult and draining but its not over and from what I've seen in your posts, you'll come out on top either way.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Thanks IW ~ I definitely take everyone's advice with a grain of salt, and trying to understand their experiences and why they have the perspectives that they do.
It feels like a lot going on all at once. Holidays, trying to start mediation, feeling like everything is a negotiation... It is exhausting.
I feel like I have made progress DB'ing, but I have so much farther to go. It's like... I can finally see the mountain, and I can also notice I've only started to climb.
I'm sure you know this already but be miserable if you need to be for a day. 180s, GAL, changing yourself can add some pressure and exhaustion especially with NGS. A couple days won't set you back and plenty of time to read or do a non physical hobby. Shop online for the kids.
A reminder-you had a part in the relationship breakdown but you are not to blame for whats happening, you didn't ask for D and you're working hard to build a new U.
I have a twice D'd friend on his third marriage having trouble and one that is healing his M after his W cheated for two years. Your sitch is difficult and draining but its not over and from what I've seen in your posts, you'll come out on top either way.
Thanks Core
I am incredibly frustrated about the spot I am in. I feel pressed to at least financially separate and improve my custody situation.... which then means we may as well D. I feel forced to be the driver. It's not what I want.
I wish I could address the finances/kids while still being the lighthouse. But pressing for D (or a legal S) does not feel like being the lighthouse.
It's strange in this physical S how you only get bits and pieces of information here and there. Maybe one new piece of information a month.
One recent revelation was that my W was telling her parents we were having serious problems long before I realized how serious they were. Of course looking back all the signs were there at that time. Maybe I was blind. She also wasn't communicating much, other than completely withdrawing affection (which I guess is a bright red flashing warning sign, but one of our issues was that she wanted no pressure when it came to affection).
I can't understand for the life of me why she didn't just come out in MC1 and say, "We are having serious issues" and instead chose, "I need more help washing dishes."
We went to MC1 last fall, and by the end I had agreed to stop pressuring for any type of affection, I was helping more around the house, I was basically doing everything I committed to doing in MC1. Then came the New Year. I remember her just railing me while we heard fireworks exploding in the distance that night. And then 3 months of silence, me giving my W space, not sure what to do. When I found the pre-BD evidence in March, my world turned upside down. I pulled over the car one night, pleading with my W, and she thought I was dangerous and scary. It all just went completely downhill. I wrote the apology letters, more quiet periods, we separated, more quiet, more distance...
But I look back to a year ago now, and I think maybe by the time I realized things were way off the rails (in March) it was too late. She was long gone. I thought giving time and space was the right choice.
I feel like I can let go of HER, but I can't let go of the fact that this all seems like it could have been so easily fixable. With some communication and compassion for each other. I know I am grasping at that elusive closure that so many people here never find. 2019 has been a year of h3ll. It started rough, it's not ending where I wanted it to, but I can definitively say I am happier in many ways.
