Newlywed and in crisis

[funbun]

I’ve been detaching from W while also be nice to her when we are interacting. I think now there are small signs of improvement, she’s less cold now. At the moment, when she talks with me her tone is softer, but still distant. We don’t talk at all, no small talk, only when necessary. I tried to strike up a casual conversation, but she always gives one word replies and I ended up giving up with conversing with her and just shut my mouth. I figured shouldn’t try to start a convo because it might look like I am pursuing I guess. So when we’re together in the same room, it’s mostly quiet.

Had R talk with her yesterday. Her stance is still the same. She still feels nothing towards me. She feels miserable. She mentioned about how she doesn’t want kids but unsure why. She talked about what life would be like if she is divorced: would she marry another man, would she want to have kids with another man. She is unsure of the cause of a lot of the things she is feeling actually. I guess that is a good thing..?

[job]

I am not surprised that her stance is the same. She's not ready to listen to relationship talks. Do what works for you, i.e., detaching. Allow her to come to you and no more relationship talks.

Just be yourself and try to enjoy the holiday. If you invite her to attend something, do it w/o expectations. If she says no, so be it...but you go ahead and do what you have planned. When she sees that you are moving forward, then and only then, will she become curious about you, what you are doing and who may be along for the adventure.

Leave her be...allow her to come to you.

Try to enjoy the holiday as much as you can. A new year is around the corner and that means new adventures will unfold for you.

[FFHubby]

funbun,

Really sorry you are here. It sounds like you are far ahead of me in my sitch with the DB principles.

AS mentioned a similar situation regarding a WAS leaving around 6 months after the marriage, and I seem to think it’s probably my sitch, though she left 11 months in.

I tried linking my story, but I’m having trouble finding it. Job, can you help?

I am spending time with family but have been occasionally checking the forums throughout the day, as my heart breaks for the LBS that has to deal with these things on Christmas.

I plan on checking back in tomorrow to give my perspective as well as an update on my sitch.

Best,

FF

[job]

FFHubby,

Is this the thread you wanted linked here?

Rising from the Ashes

[funbun]

job,

Thank you for your response and happy new year to you.

I went through with your advice with trying to enjoy the holidays. I decided to go stay at my parents' place for three days without W. I figured I've been going through this for a month now and needed rest and time away from W. This meant that I needed to tell my side of the family about my sitch. Before this I held off telling them because I didn't want too many people to be involved in what already is a delicate situation. However, I changed my mind and decided to tell them as I needed the support from my family for my own mental well-being.

W wanted to go see my parents together and explain everything to them together. However, I refused and insisted that I go see them on my own. She was not happy about it, angry in fact. My reason was that I needed to see my parents on my own so that I can just let it all out (my sadness, frustration, etc) to them. I've been holding it all in for about a month and needed someone to release it to. I figured, I've been at her side for a month and have been nice to her, being a bit selfish in this case is fair.

So I went and talked to my family. They were thankfully understanding. I had my three days of rest and to contemplate on my sitch.

I am back now under the same roof with my wife. She's still p!ssed at me. Irritated. Cold treatment. The usual. She still wants to talk to my parents. I agreed to let her talk to them next week.

My three days of rest has got me thinking about why W wanted D. Maybe because she has an avoidant attachment style and has a fear of commitment (I am not a therapist but the signs seem to point at this being the case). Got me thinking about our pursuer-distancer dynamic; the number of times she has rejected me one way or another even when we were together before M. But I kept on chasing her and wanted to fix things. And now, she is rejecting me again.

I figured, enough is enough. No more chasing. I feel a lot more detached now. I'm still polite to her but rather in a apathetic kind of way. Before I tried to be helpful around the house, now I don't offer help unless she asks me to.

The question: is this the right mentality when you are detaching? I've been told to be her "friend" right now, but I find it hard to bring myself to treat her in a warm and friendly manner when I feel sad and hurt inside. Right now, the best I can do is be polite, calm, and not get angry.

Another question, did I make the right move by going to my parents on my own? It frustrated W, and seemed to make her colder towards me again.

[AlisonUK]

Hi FunBun

I think you don't need her permission to talk to your parents about whatever you like, and if you needed that space and time, well, you needed it. Most people would in your situation. If you are hoping for R I think that getting your parents 'on side' and sharing with them in a way that means they dislike or judge her is going to make that more difficult. There might be better people you can confide in. Here, for a start - but also perhaps a male friend, or a therapist?

You also don't have any control over whether she speaks to your parents or not. It isn't a case of 'letting' her do anything. She's free to do as she likes. Is she actually asking your permission? If so, I'd say 'you must do as you think is best' and then leave her to it - and don't ask her or your parents about their conversation. If she isn't asking your permission, I'd mind your own business.

As for helping around the house. The word 'helping' is a little odd. You live there. You eat meals and make laundry and dirty the floors just as anyone else does. Doing a fair share in the house - not as a way of nicing her back to you, or getting her to be impressed with you - but just because you are an adult and you live there - is a no-brainer. You looking after your share of domestic work doesn't need to have anything to do with your marriage. You're not doing her a favour, you're not sulking and refusing to do domestic work to punish her. You're just acting like all attractive, appealing men do - (right?) - independently doing your share of the house hold tasks.

What other steps do you have in place for your mental well being? What are your GAL plans? Do you have a male friend outside of the situation - not a friend of hers, not a member of your family or hers - that you can confide in?

[funbun]

FFHubby,

Thank you. I got to read your thread a bit. I'm sorry about your D. All is better for you now I hope.

It brings me comfort to know someone has gone through a similar situation (being newlywed then suddenly BD). Although, you had a lot more things going on in your sitch (the distance, your injury, depression, and in-laws). It made me realized that it could be worse for me and that I am perhaps in a better position to turn this around. I should be thankful with what I have I guess. It does give me a bit of hope.

Some of your description of your ex sounds similar to my W. About her being more conflict avoidant, about her not putting you as first priority. Just want to know what did you learn and how did you deal with a person like that?

[funbun]

Hello Alison,

As for helping around the house. The word 'helping' is a little odd. You live there. You eat meals and make laundry and dirty the floors just as anyone else does. Doing a fair share in the house - not as a way of nicing her back to you, or getting her to be impressed with you - but just because you are an adult and you live there - is a no-brainer. You looking after your share of domestic work doesn't need to have anything to do with your marriage. You're not doing her a favour, you're not sulking and refusing to do domestic work to punish her. You're just acting like all attractive, appealing men do - (right?) - independently doing your share of the house hold tasks.

Thank you for this perspective. You are right. I should do my own fair share of the housework. I think being sad and hurt tend to make people resentful and 'rebel' as to make things harder for other people. I don't think that is right. I should pull my own weight but not do anything extra or try to hard..?

What other steps do you have in place for your mental well being? What are your GAL plans? Do you have a male friend outside of the situation - not a friend of hers, not a member of your family or hers - that you can confide in?

I go to the gym two times a week and try to build a support system around me. At the moment, I have a male close friend that I confide in. My family is also available. I bought a Nintendo Switch recently and playing games helped a lot in taking my mind of things lol.

[FFHubby]

Sorry I am now just responding, FB.

The holidays are always busy, and I found out my ex wife got engaged on Christmas to someone she has dated for about 8 months. Spiraled for a bit but found my bearing again after a day or two of grieving. Obviously I am not completely detached, but I am giving myself a break. I am not perfect.

When the vets here tell you to GAL, you really need to do it. I have reverted back to some bad old behaviors such as playing the victim. I did just have another major neck surgery 3 months ago, and it gave me the relief I have been searching for over the last 10 years, at least physcially. I was hoping the surgery would solve my problems, but I find myself falling into the same negative behaviors. I am in the process of finding a good counselor, and I might have to drive an hour to find one as the town I live in doesn't have quality therapists. Bottom line is I was lying to myself by thinking the changes I was making were for myself and not my Ex. DO NOT make the same mistake as me. I am committed to not dating until my ex is married. Part of that is because I am still in love with her and am a man of faith in Jesus, but the other part is the fact that I know I am no where close to being the best version of myself, and I refuse to bring a woman into my life until I find myself again.

Regarding what I have learned from dealing with my ex and her conflict avoidance.... I don't have a lot of advice for you, unfortunately. Some people are just not good people. The more I tried to figure out how she could make the decisions she did, the crazier I felt. When I do eventually find another partner, I at least have a list of what is acceptable and what is not. I ignored a lot of red flags that I didn't know were there until after she left.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is focus on what you can control. Focus on being the best version of yourself, realize you don't need to be with a woman to give you value. Validate, validate, validate. I sucked at this, but it is SO important.

When I was the happiest after my separation, I was surrounded by good male friends almost every single day. That has been lacking due to the holidays, and I have struggled. But I have the next month planned out to hang with guys that I love, and that love me.

Really feeling for you FB. Follow the advice of the vets here. I am invested in your sitch, and will post as often as I can.

Happy New Year!

[funbun]

Bottom line is I was lying to myself by thinking the changes I was making were for myself and not my Ex. DO NOT make the same mistake as me.

Some people are just not good people. The more I tried to figure out how she could make the decisions she did, the crazier I felt. When I do eventually find another partner, I at least have a list of what is acceptable and what is not. I ignored a lot of red flags that I didn't know were there until after she left.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is focus on what you can control. Focus on being the best version of yourself, realize you don't need to be with a woman to give you value. Validate, validate, validate. I sucked at this, but it is SO important.

Thank you for the advice FF. These ones in particular struck a chord with me. I hope the new year is going well for you so far.