One year in...

[Jac12]

Thanks LH - I'm going to get back to what I was doing. No Contact, validate when appropriate, GAL, dress well, PMA and just keep moving forward. She starts counselling in January but no guarantees she sticks with it as she's yet to follow through with any consistency. She's admitted in round about ways that she's been depressed. I've been proud of how I've continued to stick by her during all this but I'm learning that there isn't really anything I can "do" to help her through this...she has to want to do it herself.

I'm also going to have to figure out my living situation which would involve a separation agreement most likely. I've stopped the bleeding financially but I'm definitely not saving any money. I think the best move for me and my son is to move and use the money from the house (invest in some dividend stocks) to help pay monthly rent. This way I'll be able to start saving some money. Probably 2-3 months away but it's on my radar.

I've signed my son up for Music class on Tuesdays and soccer Saturday mornings and I'm going to start getting a sitter every other weekend so I can go see some friends.

[Jac12]

My W has slid back to her old self. Blaming me for her money problems when I've been the one looking after our house and child and I have taken on more debt myself. She's moving out of her place in a month and has the option to move back home with her mom as she has a work from home job. She could save up some money and pay down her debt.

After 2-3 weeks of things looking positive, the last 2-3 weeks I feel have been a regression back to the way she was a few months ago: more distant with me and our son, picking fights, not in touch with reality, etc.

I'm trying hard not to get roped in but at the same time standing up for myself and how I've handled everything. For example when I mentioned that I have been patient and stood by her and helped her family out as needed (mostly her mom as she became a widow in March) she just said: "don't hold that against me forever, I didn't ask you to do any of that".

I just don't understand her fluctuating emotions - I hold onto the fact that she's depressed our dealing with another mental issue but maybe that's me looking for an answer? She won't see the psychiatrist and although she's starting counselling again in January the odds are that she won't stick with it based on the history.

I'm starting to understand why removing yourself from the situation and detaching is so critical - their emotions are all over the place. I wouldn't respond to my 2 year olds actions like this but hers trigger me for sure.

Anyways - it appears as though she has zero interest in me or our marriage despite her feeling better about things 4 weeks ago. Was it a bluff? Trying to rope me in? Trying to avoid paying for lawyers? Who knows, but I do know my time is better served working on myself and spending time with my son. Even if we were to R I dont' see that happening anytime in the near future.

[Jac12]

Sorry guys - I switched my name as I thought maybe my W had found it but I don't think she has. This is Jac12.

It seems as though my W is slowly coming back to normal. She came early to spend the evening with our son and she even called and asked if I wanted to hang out before he wakes up from his nap. I was here anyways so I said sure.

She brought up some talks and basically broke down and was wondering how she got like this. She said: "I don't know what happened to me". As noted in my situation - she has had a rough couple years with likely post-partum depression, grieving her dad's death, and just disconnected from all of those closest to her over a span of 2 years.

Without going into detail we had a good chat and we were both open although I tried hard to talk less than her. I think I did ok. I just reiterated that right now it's most important that she does the work on herself to heal. If that opens up the door for us to get our family back together than we will deal with that then. I told her it was great to see that she's aware of all of this and is trying to put herself back together as a lot of people would continue the self-sabotage.

She's out of her condo at the end of the month and I told her it would probably be best that she moves in with her mom for a bit while she's doing her counselling but I would support her if she needs me.

I cut the conversation as it felt like we had said and discussed a lot of things. She seemed very broken - which is a good thing as far as getting herself back on track.

I think it's interesting for the newbies on here to realize that the best thing they can do with a WAW is to give them the space they are asking for. No pleading, begging, convincing, etc because it won't matter when they are in that state and it does more harm than good. She's been way more receptive to things I've said over the past 6 weeks but it's only because her state is changing.

I still don't know if we will ultimately get back together but these are steps in a better direction. I'll remain guarded but open when we communicate.

[AnotherStander]

After 2-3 weeks of things looking positive, the last 2-3 weeks I feel have been a regression back to the way she was a few months ago: more distant with me and our son, picking fights, not in touch with reality, etc.

This is exactly why we call it the roller coaster. She'll have highs and she'll have lows. All you can do is let her ride the ups and downs while you remain off to the side, as unaffected as possible. The rock and lighthouse.

For example when I mentioned that I have been patient and stood by her and helped her family out as needed (mostly her mom as she became a widow in March) she just said: "don't hold that against me forever, I didn't ask you to do any of that".

Why are you mentioning these things to her? ACTIONS not WORDS. And when we say actions, we mean exactly that. Not "perform actions and then tell her about them later for brownie points". Just perform the actions, period. Do them with no expectations.

I just don't understand her fluctuating emotions - I hold onto the fact that she's depressed our dealing with another mental issue but maybe that's me looking for an answer?

We all want to know "why" and none of us ever find out. Your W doesn't even know why, so how will you ever know? You won't!

I'm starting to understand why removing yourself from the situation and detaching is so critical - their emotions are all over the place.

^^^YUP!^^^

Anyways - it appears as though she has zero interest in me or our marriage despite her feeling better about things 4 weeks ago. Was it a bluff? Trying to rope me in? Trying to avoid paying for lawyers?

No it was probably real, but the problem is it was just a reflection of her feelings at that moment in time. Her feelings will be moving and changing constantly for quite some time yet.

[Jac12]

Good reminders there AS, thank you.

Slowly learning to just stay off to the side and let her deal with it. She knows she can talk to me if she chooses to.

If I look at the big picture - things are much better now than they were 6 months ago.

Also - she is aware that she has work to do on herself and that was the primary goal 10 months ago. If she doesn't sort herself out our M doesn't stand much hope.

Lastly, I'm continually learning to say less and less (she triggered me a few days ago and I got defensive, hence the comment about helping her and her family out).

[unchien]

TKO ~ Your last 2 posts had completely different tones. Look at the first paragraphs - your W slid back to her old self, and then she is back to normal.

I think you recognize that she is going through a lot and her feelings may be fluctuating by the hour. I sense that you are building up some R hope, and just want to caution you to make sure that doesn't manifest as R pressure when you interact with your W.

Without going into detail we had a good chat and we were both open although I tried hard to talk less than her. I think I did ok. I just reiterated that right now it's most important that she does the work on herself to heal. If that opens up the door for us to get our family back together than we will deal with that then. I told her it was great to see that she's aware of all of this and is trying to put herself back together as a lot of people would continue the self-sabotage.

Being there for her is good. I suggest you restrain telling her directly about the possible impact on your MR. It is extra pressure at a time she is obviously trying to sort a lot out. She knows you are there, just by the fact she is coming to you to talk about things from time to time.

Have you heard of the "feeding a squirrel" analogy?

[Jac12]

Yes I have Unchien (the feeding squirrel). I have to resist the strong urges to input my 2 cents when she opens up.

I need to keep in mind that my emotions don't need to fluctuate with hers. I'm responsible to myself and she is to herself and I don't need to be roped in. I don't think she's back to normal at all, but I think she is on her way which is a huge shift from where she was.

I think I've always had R hope despite how bad things were just because I FEEL like I know who she is - but you're right in that if she changes that is separate from me and I have no control over it. So while I'm hopeful that our marriage is moving in a better direction I also know that my happiness isn't determined by whether she is in my life or not.

I have control over my life and my happiness and she has control of hers. The less I let her influence my mental state the stronger I become on my own.

Thanks for the word of caution!

[unchien]

Well stated. I can imagine the urges to give your input are really strong especially when you see those glimmers of her old self.

[Jac12]

100%. Especially when she breaks down and I can see how much she's hurting on the inside.

But again, this is her battle and all I can do is support her and remain calm and patient.

I'm well aware of the length of time this whole process can take and when I married her I made a commitment through good times and bad. Right now I just need to focus on myself and our son and let her focus on herself.

The rest will be what it will be...

[Jac12]

My W asked me to if she could spend the evening with me and our son last night (first time in 12 months). After we our son went down to sleep we had a glass of wine and listened to a podcast and chatted. All in all it was very enjoyable. She's definitely working her way back to the girl I know (still keeping expectations out of the equation, just enjoying time I have with whoever I'm with).

She invited me to her birthday dinner next weekend with her family (3 members have bday's close to each other).

What was interesting is that I'm in the process of researching a new business venture that involve leasing out some space close to home here. She is aware of the plan and last night said: "Well let me throw a wrinkle in there. I know you mentioned you'd like to be closer to family and friends and if we work this out I'd be ok with moving closer to friends. We'd also have to figure out my mom and maybe we get an in-law suite".

I took it in stride and said:"Yes, those would be some things to think about. Being close to friends would definitely help our social life".

The interesting thing to me is that the location she mentioned is where all of MY friends (her's too but mine originally) are and she made a comment that even though she has some friends here (new friends) she'd be willing to move closer to where our friends are.

She has a lot going on inside her head at the moment. Trying just to roll with it and stay grounded.