I can't understand for the life of me why she didn't just come out in MC1 and say, "We are having serious issues" and instead chose, "I need more help washing dishes."
Hi Unchien,
It would be great if other people were more transparent. So many motives could be behind it, no?
After my ex-girlfriend moved out, I pointed out in MC1 she'd lied about the seriousness of at least one key issue. The therapist changed the focus. She asked why my ex-girlfriend felt a need to lie. She didn't want to disappoint me, knowing the truth would hurt me, and she was not sure how I'd handle it. She's lied more recently, and a mutual friend who knows her side says she believes it's a way to avoid conflict.
I told my ex-wife of 10yrs what my issues were, but never that they were serious enough I was considering divorce, until I did it. I might do differently now, but I figured a good partner wouldn't need threats.
I never told an ex-girlfriend of 5yrs my issues with her--because I didn't love her. I was going to move on eventually, almost certainly, regardless of what she did right or wrong.
I know exactly what you mean by your last post Uni. they gave up they quit nits checked out because we couldn't be in the present in the now and realize the subtle signs they were trying to tell us the whole time. They were reacting based on their feelings and their emotions based on what you were giving them and you didn't realize it at the time. You and I know that these are skill sets and they are fixable things through proper counseling and communication. They wanted you to adhere to their agenda and they wanted you to fix things then but they wanted you to figure it out without actually having to tell you. Now that they are checked out all of a sudden we want to fix things and improve on things it is too little too late. It all has to be for you to changes and all has to be demonstrated through actions silence is actually your best friend make friends with it. regardless of how Justified they may seem in their own perception in mind always remember that they are the ones to end it, quit and vilify you on a vow is because you failed to meet their expectations whether realistic or unrealistic logical or delusional. Keep in mind that they gave their time their effort their thoughts their body and they're sold us so for them to turn cold and move on fast is not uncommon. They do not adhere to the past the way we do since their future no longer benefits from it. This is something we have to accept
I wish I could address the finances/kids while still being the lighthouse. But pressing for D (or a legal S) does not feel like being the lighthouse.
Any vets out there have any advice?
Here is my opinion- this is a marriage-saving site and I am on board with doing everything you can to save your M. But after years here I am convinced that most people that end up here have full-blown WAS's and they CANNOT save their M. It's dead and gone by the time most make their first post here. The best they can do is let their M go and try to build a new R and M with their spouse. That almost never begins until AFTER separation. A lot of people here are scared to death of S because they think it's the end of hope, but in fact it's often the beginning of rekindling things. I'm not saying I recommend S, that's a personal decision. But I am saying it is not the end.
Being the lighthouse is simply being the place of strength, security and solidity when the WAS is anything but those things. Not just for your spouse, but for your kids, extended family, friends and yourself. In your case pursuing a legal separation for financial reasons may very well be a required act to continue being the lighthouse.
I know exactly what you mean by your last post Uni. they gave up they quit nits checked out because we couldn't be in the present in the now and realize the subtle signs they were trying to tell us the whole time. They were reacting based on their feelings and their emotions based on what you were giving them and you didn't realize it at the time. You and I know that these are skill sets and they are fixable things through proper counseling and communication. They wanted you to adhere to their agenda and they wanted you to fix things then but they wanted you to figure it out without actually having to tell you. Now that they are checked out all of a sudden we want to fix things and improve on things it is too little too late. It all has to be for you to changes and all has to be demonstrated through actions silence is actually your best friend make friends with it. regardless of how Justified they may seem in their own perception in mind always remember that they are the ones to end it, quit and vilify you on a vow is because you failed to meet their expectations whether realistic or unrealistic logical or delusional. Keep in mind that they gave their time their effort their thoughts their body and they're sold us so for them to turn cold and move on fast is not uncommon. They do not adhere to the past the way we do since their future no longer benefits from it. This is something we have to accept
IHCLACS ~
Yes, she wanted me to change on my own. But I understand and empathize with it. It took the BD for me to change, by which point it is too late. It's the same script that happens over and over with couples.
In the same way, I don't want to have to point out the changes SHE needs to make in order for me to consider a R (if she ever came around to wanting one herself). If I am to consider R, I want HER to come knocking on MY door. How Shakespearean.
Being the lighthouse means you get 50/50 custody of the kids. They need you. You'll have to D (or legal S) to get this. My kids are older so I got their input before filing for D. Their only response was that I should have done it sooner. In my case being the lighthouse means getting enough money to feed and clothe them.
I know exactly what you mean by your last post Uni. they gave up they quit nits checked out because we couldn't be in the present in the now and realize the subtle signs they were trying to tell us the whole time. They were reacting based on their feelings and their emotions based on what you were giving them and you didn't realize it at the time. You and I know that these are skill sets and they are fixable things through proper counseling and communication. They wanted you to adhere to their agenda and they wanted you to fix things then but they wanted you to figure it out without actually having to tell you. Now that they are checked out all of a sudden we want to fix things and improve on things it is too little too late. It all has to be for you to changes and all has to be demonstrated through actions silence is actually your best friend make friends with it. regardless of how Justified they may seem in their own perception in mind always remember that they are the ones to end it, quit and vilify you on a vow is because you failed to meet their expectations whether realistic or unrealistic logical or delusional. Keep in mind that they gave their time their effort their thoughts their body and they're sold us so for them to turn cold and move on fast is not uncommon. They do not adhere to the past the way we do since their future no longer benefits from it. This is something we have to accept
IHCLACS ~
Yes, she wanted me to change on my own. But I understand and empathize with it. It took the BD for me to change, by which point it is too late. It's the same script that happens over and over with couples.
In the same way, I don't want to have to point out the changes SHE needs to make in order for me to consider a R (if she ever came around to wanting one herself). If I am to consider R, I want HER to come knocking on MY door. How Shakespearean.
Let me guess? You keep getting the "You can keep a knocking... But you can't come in..." From XW? LOL..Walls are funny like that. Sometimes they are meant to guard and protect. Other times they are used as an unnecessary weapon from a person that is hurt.
Let me guess? You keep getting the "You can keep a knocking... But you can't come in..." From XW? LOL..Walls are funny like that. Sometimes they are meant to guard and protect. Other times they are used as an unnecessary weapon from a person that is hurt.
Actually I am not getting much of that from W. Lately W has been a bit more pleasant but I don't know what that means. Sharing some details about the kids over text, things like that. It is a bit of a cognitive distortion when she is nice to me, as she has also called me abusive and violent within the last 2 months.
Yesterday I had some bizarre drama, where one of my W's family members texted me out of the blue an insult. The backstory is long and convoluted and not very interesting, but suffice it to say I did nothing wrong and it's possible this person was joking (although he/she has proven to be a hothead in the past). But knowing this person, I think it was an emotional knee-jerk reaction and it honestly scared me a bit. I blocked the number for now.
IW had a great post on KG's thread today about our thoughts and how they are not reality. I'm thinking about it this morning.
Thoughts:
- My W *could* be buttering me up with niceness in advance of a potentially contentious D process.
- My W *could* be nicer recently because it's the holidays.
- My W *could* be nicer because she has some sort of internal struggle going on.
- My W *could* be secretly plotting the perfect D, and I am the unwitting victim here being strung along and taken advantage of.
- My W *could* be nicer because she thinks our current situation is working just great.
- I need a L ASAP and I need to get the D ball rolling. The more time goes on, the more I am sacrificing and stuck in limbo, not able to live my life.
I don't believe fully in any of the above, but from time to time they pop in to my head.
Reality:
I need to resolve the financial and custody issues in my situation. But I spend a lot of time problem-solving in my head. Taking a problem-solving approach is not helping. It worsens my anxiety.
I do not need to resolve my MR. If, for instance, we were sharing 50-50 custody, and I was effectively paying an appropriate support payment to my W, I could continue on without feeling pressure.
The house creates complication in our financial situation, since the mortgage payment alone is enormous (more than a max support payment).
A L would give me peace of mind, so at least I would stop problem-solving so much in my head.
Ideas:
I can't decide if I need to take the protective route or not. And how much I should communicate to my W.
On the one hand, my instincts guide me to tell her: "W, this situation is not working for me. I would like more time with the kids. I also think financially we are both stuck in limbo. While we get the mediation process started, I would like to explore a financial separation. Regardless of who is paying for what, there is more money going out than coming in, and this situation is not sustainable. We are effectively spending several K per month sustaining a situation that does not work. The house complicates matters of course."
Then I'm like... UC, cut out that NG cr*p.
"W, this situation is not working for me. I hope we can work out a settlement in mediation. I also feel like we are far apart in our goals for custody and finances. I will be retaining a L as an advisor for this process. I do not intend to go to a court trial, but I do think our situation is complicated enough that I prefer to have legal counsel."
Then I'm like... UC, cut out that NG cr*p.
"W, this situation is not working for me. While we pursue starting mediation, I will be retaining a L. I do not intend to go to court, but I do prefer to have legal counsel for this process."
Then I'm like... UC, just hire the L, you don't need to tell her at all. But then that seems like an act of aggression.
This is how my mind works... I can never make a decision. Sigh... need to go back and revisit my NGS methinks.
If you remember, you and I were/are in similar financial situations. I have stabilized mine for the time-being but I do look back and think I should have just followed through with the separation agreement meeting with our L's.
I like your last quote as a response to her. I wouldn't just do it in my case either...send the email to your W and then follow through. However, if you don't think it's an act of aggression than why worry about how she perceives it? We can't control how people perceive things anyways. Either way, I would just do it so you can protect the financial interests of not just yourself, but your family.
Lastly, about your thoughts at the beginning...I'm the same way. But, the more I try to figure out what she's thinking the more stuck I get. Who the hell knows what her intentions are. Moving forward, I'm going to assume my W doesn't want to be with me until she says otherwise because that's what her actions have shown.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Why does she need to know that you're retaining an L? You can have an L who reviews and supports you through the mediation process but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be in a "have your L talk to my L" situation.
You can't worry about how doing what is best for you and the kids affects her. She's given up that right.
Hugs! You got this.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
My WAH is no longer my friend and I just filed for D with grounds. Aggressive? Absolutely but I had no choice and neither do you. The clock is ticking on custody. Hire the L.
