A parallel universe II

[Ready2Change]

I'm let down by deep feelings of not being good enough, and not trusting my own sense of worth and value, and not taking a risk for fear of looking foolish, and just plain shyness.

We have all been there. Learning to face our fears head on is worth it.

I just checked out Don Draper. I have seen those videos before, just didn't know tie his name to them.

[DS9]

Hi all,

I went to my S's graduation last night. I felt anxious as XW would be there. I put on a positive vibe for my S, dressed in my ultra finery, and went through with it.

S showed me my seat and said they were pre-allocated to us. S showed her to her seat next to mine but XW made a protest at having to sit next to me, and went and sat next to a mother she knew a few seats away. S was disappointed and annoyed that XW was causing ripples, but I pretended nothing happened, said nothing, and read my evening program sheet. Frankly, I preferred not sitting next to her, but I wasn't going to cause a fuss if I had to, nor was I going to volunteer sitting elsewhere if XW didnt want to sit next to me.

The collection plate was getting passed round, but I forgot my wallet. I asked XW if I could borrow some money, whihc she gave me. SD turned and smiled and said lightheartedly 'you'll have to pay that back'. I laughed out loud, then said loudly and lightheartedly "Yeah, I'll pay it with interest". I just ended up buying everyone a drink.

For the rest of the night, I think XW stuck to this other mother as I could hear them chatting all the time. I did my own thing, focused on my S, spoke to other fathers and teachers, interacted with my SD, and when we went to another place, went to my own non allocated seat and enjoyed the evening.

We had photos at the end. Normally I'd hang back and just take a couple, but I was the first parent up to the stage to take them, and the last to sit back down. We then had family photos outside at the end. XW caused more ripples by loudly proclaiming to other people that they should walk around us (because we were blocking the footpath). I moved away from that, then when photos had finished, S and I bailed promptly, with a cheery goodbye and me asking SD to catch up soon again.

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I had bought S some new uniform items recently because he'd grown, even though it was the end of the year and he'd only wear a few times. S was feeling self conscious. XW was refusing to buy these things. I didnt mention anything to her, I just got them, becuase I wanted S to feel good and look good. I told S to just come to me if he needs something, as mummy may be short of money. S said XW is an 'ultra cheapskate'.

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I forwarded XW an email from school care for an overdue bill in her name. I worked out my share, then paid that into the old joint account we had, paid some extra money for my share of other future S expenses she pays for, and told her that in the email in businesslike fashion. Old me would have asked what our shares should be. Months ago, XW proclaimed that if I was putting S in care while she was on holiday, I would pay it all!?! Well, she didn't raise that, but paid her share, with a dig at the end expressing feigned surprise I hadn't paid it while she was on holidays, which I didn't reply to.

I remember the bitter battles I fought on XW's behalf with her XH about him contributing money to my step kids expenses, and the anxiety it caused her. At BD, she thought I'd be just like her XH about money, calling me a 'money hungry c@nt'. Being like her XH is beneath me. I told her I'm not like him, but she said words mean nothing, only actions matter. Well, I showed her.

Cheers, DS

[scout12]

You handled those speed bumps well, DS. Your integrity came through.

What's up with her embarrassing, entitled behaviour? I don't blame you for not wanting to sit near her.

It's interesting to hear your S's comments about XW and his behaviour towards her. It seems he feels more loyal to you?

Did S have any emotions about graduation? It's a big deal! Starting high school is a big transition; how are you/XW helping him cope with that?

Her comments about her XH and you acting similarly are not a reflection on you at all, so don't mind the comparison. It's her disordered mind repeating the same victimised thinking and blaming behaviour that likely led her down this path once before. She needs to do her own 180s to escape that cycle, or she'll revisit the same issues with husband number 3. Your last sentence is a little vindictive, but I understand the sentiment.

GAL plans this weekend?

[DS9]

Thanks Scout,

This behaviour is how she is. She doesn't care what people think. She oftentimes acts and speaks before thinking, and does what she wants. Very impulsive.

I think S may be more loyal to me. I am very mindful not to play any of those games with him, and to always speak highly of his mum.

S was very happy about graduation. He doesnt talk much about his feelings though. I keep reminding him that if he wants to talk about anything he can speak to either of us. also told him if he wants to speak to someone else we can do that too. He's very much like me in being sensitive and keeping his feelings in check.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't mind the comparison with XH, but it cut very deeply.

Yeah, does sound a little vindictive. I'm just demosntrating to her I'm not him. It's not just demonstrtation either, but also who I really am.

XW will never 180 these cyclical behaviours. She puts out that there's nothing wrong with her.

As to GAL, I've been invited to a nightclub/lounge in the valley Fri night by a female friend, so I'm not sure if I should go. I'll be doing some xmas shopping, housework and maybe shoot up to the sc or gc for some beach action. On Saturday I'm looking at a new car to buy. I'll probably venture to t k max as well to pick up some homewares and business shirts. Otherwise the usual fishing, morning/evening walks, heading down to the local bar/cafe for a solo dinner and drinks, gym training and reading/listening to self improvement stuff.

How about you?

Cheers, DS

[DS9]

Hi all,

Food for thought, and encouragement.

I had an interesting conversation with a man yesterday.

Turns out after a separation of 4 years, he's R'ing and piecing since early this year. No divorce, but they did the financial split a while ago.

Both mid/late 30's and young kids when it happened. It seemed she's a WAW and he got the standard ILYBNILWY, I've changed, history rewrite, etc against a backdrop of focus on work, the kids etc.

He said she started changing when he hit her up for divorce. There was some pressure from him to move back in together.

I've referred him to get the DB book asap and encouraged him to not put any pressure to move in and to do all he can to save his marriage.

I think the longest separation I've read here is about 10 years before R'ing and piecing.

Cheers, DS

[IHCLACS]

you sound like you're doing good DS like you're taking the moral high road with Integrity I'm glad that you could be there for your SS. I swear the hardest part about all of this I think for all of us and all of our stitches is taking the focus off of them and putting it on us and the ones that care about us. A lot of previous memories and ideations all the way that they were to us Keeps us stuck emotionally and gives us setbacks and moving forward logically methodically with our lives. You are doing good in your helping the right people including yourself baby steps one day at a time. Make those goals measurable and tangible and measurable on a daily basis. Keep going

[DS9]

Hey ih thanks buddy really value the support and encouragement mate. It’s a frickin lonely path mate.

Yeah I’m helping ss with guidance and even taught him to iron the other night. We pumped iron then ironed haha 😂

Yeah focus shift is tough. She was my life. I thought i was meant to sacrifice myself for my wife and family. I was dumb and naive, trusting and loyal. Just gotta remember there’s women out there who are different.

Cheers DS

[DS9]

Hey ih thanks buddy really value the support and encouragement mate. It’s a frickin lonely path mate.

Yeah I’m helping ss with guidance and even taught him to iron the other night. We pumped iron then ironed haha 😂

Yeah focus shift is tough. She was my life. I thought i was meant to sacrifice myself for my wife and family. I was dumb and naive, trusting and loyal. Just gotta remember there’s women out there who are different.

Cheers DS

[DS9]

Hi all

Merry Xmas

I'm hanging out for 2019 to end. It was the year from hell. Should have read my horoscope back in 2018, given that this was to be a year of massive change!

What would have been our wedding anniversary passed the other day without mention. On that day, she left for a short o/s holiday with her friend. An odd choice, I thought, given it was to a country we both couldn't stand and vowed to never visit, but her friend loves it. The same friend who wanted me when XW seduced me, and whose sexual advances I politely and sensitively rejected, and who I’m sure was in xw’s ear before bd.

A few days before she left, she sms'd asking to have my son during my time. I imagine this is because she is on holiday when S was meant to be in her care. Anyway, I said no. She didn't respond. Old me would have agreed. I now communicate matter of factly and say what I want with parenting rather than asking. XW is compliant and uncomplaining. I don’t follow up or confirm. XW had S a few times though when I was at work. She asks if I’m picking him up but I ask her to drop him off, and she is compliant. Old me would have picked s up and not had the courage to ask her. I don’t use question marks but rather something like ‘I’d appreciate you dropping him off. Thanks DS.’

We hardly see each other now, nor communicate. XW's almost daily sms's with requests and info tidbits have dried up. The distance is growing, and I know that's a good thing for my emotional healing. I have no desire to communicate with her or see her. But, I do miss her love, and the good things she brought to our relationship.

Sd came over for dinner the other night and ss comes over once a week to talk and home gym. S and I visited mil the other weekend. She engaged in talk about XW and theory behind why XW did what she did but I am non commital and change the topic. I think mil is very sad about what happened.

I was invited by my SIL to xmas lunch. I agreed. I was subsequently told XW would be there as well. I decided to go still but arrived late. I wore my finest slim fit summer wear and looking good gives me a boost. I arrive and have a great pma. XW has a big smile and looks a little surprised. Sd and sil get a big hug and kiss from me and XW gets a generic but friendly hi. We don’t interact, other than XW piping in about mil when I speak about mil’s health, which I ignore. I’m engaging with everyone else and do my own thing.

She leaves early to go to work and summons son to get my gift which she gives me. I smile and thank her but bought her nothing so she got nothing. As she leaves she approaches for a kiss and hug. I lightly reciprocate the hug but deftly turn my cheek so she kisses my stubble and cologne. She got an air kiss. We were passionate and frequent kissers but that was a seeming lifetime ago.

I’ll get her a gift card and give it to her next change over.

GAL is up and down. I havent joined meetup yet, but will do so next year.

At R2C's suggestion, I bought The Game style life challenge by Neil Strauss. It’s a good read.

Anyway hope everyone had a good Xmas.

[DnJ]

Merry Christmas DS

Our paths do appear to start out rather lonely. Slowly our focus moves from what we’ve lost, to what we still have, and to what we gain. Have faith, someday you will look back on all this and feel blessed. Keep up the great inner work, the discovery of your beliefs and convictions.

I did laugh at the 2018 horoscope foretelling - a year of massive change. They might have understated that a bit.

Season’s greetings, and best wishes for you and your’s. And let’s hope for a much better year.

DnJ