A parallel universe II

[scout12]

Hey DS,

First, thank you for detailing the divorce process here in Oz. You said you are big on preparation - I am, too. The difference between us being that I am preparing to file the D paperwork myself, and will do so without reservation when the time comes in June. But I understand your thoughts completely.

Second, I’m so proud of the fact that you have never wavered in your DB stance and behaviour. That’s a huge achievement! I bet your W has gained respect for you for that, whether she would admit it or not.

Third, to your question. I suppose it depends how wedded (heh) you are to your beliefs and principles. Compare that to the ease of filing jointly and the relief you might feel upon having that chapter closed amicably, rather than ending with a contest. Would that go against the man you have tried to be or the relationship you’ve tried to foster with W over the past year? I don’t know the answer, but the question could be food for thought.

Let us know how you decide to proceed.

[IHCLACS]

DNJ: I literally just said this on Jdevast post a few minutes ago. Either what I am reading here is really settling in. Or its really becoming a part of my actual internal belief system thanks to you guys. "Focus back on you, not W. The LBS finds themselves when traversing this crucible of destruction. Finds their values and beliefs. Strengthens and creates the ones they want. Alters or discards the ones they don’t. And they become the best version of themselves."

[DS9]

Hey DS,

First, thank you for detailing the divorce process here in Oz. You said you are big on preparation - I am, too. The difference between us being that I am preparing to file the D paperwork myself, and will do so without reservation when the time comes in June. But I understand your thoughts completely.

Pleasure. Check out the Fed Circuit Court website. There's a DIY kit. FCC is a cheaper fee.

Second, I’m so proud of the fact that you have never wavered in your DB stance and behaviour.

Thanks so much Scout. This means a lot coming from someone like you.

Third, to your question. I suppose it depends how wedded (heh) you are to your beliefs and principles. Compare that to the ease of filing jointly and the relief you might feel upon having that chapter closed amicably, rather than ending with a contest. Would that go against the man you have tried to be or the relationship you’ve tried to foster with W over the past year? I don’t know the answer, but the question could be food for thought.

I'm firm in not joining, prime reason of which is there are questions I'd need to complete that I don't have an answer to or even know how I feel about at the present moment. Old me would have gone along with what she wanted because I was conditioned to do that, and I wanted to please and not cause friction. There won't be a contest because I won't oppose it.

Anyway, I'm expunging it from my mind for now.

Cheers, DS

[DS9]

Hi all,

Need some help please in what to do.

XW wants me to take some stuff from our former rental storage shed where we had joint items. SHe took it over several months ago. She gave me good notice period. I took my items out months ago, and she kept hers there. I continued paying for a while after I took my items, then she took over paying. She's now moving stuff out to close the shed and asked me to check if I had anything else I could take. There were a few items I'd forgotten or didnt see, and I took. She found a few more, asked me to take them, and I did.

In clearing out recently, she found a couple more of my items, which I said I'd take, and some shelves she wanted me to take, which I said I wouldn't.

XW came back with telling me she couldnt take them as she didnt have space. I didnt reply.

A little while later, another long text to the effect that she doesnt want to be difficult, there's a lot of stuff in the shed she doesnt want or need, some of which I'd bought (true, but during the M, and mainly masculine items) and she'd be getting rid of as I didnt want them, that she knows our relationship is strained but trying to be amicable, she doesnt feel its fair I'm leaving the clear out of the shed to her, she feels she's helped me with our S during holidays and pick ups while I'm working, and if I cant compromise on this, it will obviously impact on our interactions.

Frankly, the shelves arent a big deal to pull apart and take - I just dont want them. I dont like the persisistance or mentionign that this will effect our interactions.

Any suggested replies?

Thanks heaps, DS

[scout12]

Sounds like a threat. Do what I say or I will make things difficult for you.

You don't have to do anything, but you have some options.

1. Tell her she's welcome to dispose of all remaining items herself
2. Ask her to split the cost of cleaners/removalists to handle above task
3. Offer to help her with above task

IMO, the shed became her responsibility once you stopped paying for it. Not your problem.

[DnJ]

Hello DS

The way I see it. Used to be a joint shed with joint stuff in it. She took it over months ago and you moved your stuff out.

Now she wants to close it. She looks inside and see lots more stuff than she expected to see. She asked you if you could take some more of the “no-longer joint and her stuff” to lessen the pile. You took some. She looks further and suggests more items which you accepted.

The pile still being big she again suggests some more items from the already picked over pile and you draw the line at shelving.

XW doesn’t like being left with all the extra stuff. It’s all her’s from months ago.

She tries to play on sympathy that she just doesn’t have the room. You don’t reply.

Then a more direct threat. She doesn’t want to be difficult, but she’s going to be. She is pre-blaming you. She is pushing your buttons. Don’t take the bait.

Her bringing up that this will impact your interactions. Yeah, whatever XW!

Text her - “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

You already said you didn’t want the shelves or any more stuff. She isn’t asking for help cleaning out the shed, she is asking (more telling actually) you to take the stuff.

If someone needs to clean out a shed, and they need help, then they ask a friend, or in better times their spouse. You were fired from the role of husband and friends don’t threaten and coerce to get their way.

One would wonder where are her friends in all this.

If you don’t want to be that firm, you could offer to help her clean the shed out. As in carry stuff to her truck.

However, she needs to feel the loss of you. You are not around to help her anymore, separation/divorce tends to do that.

You do not want, or need, to fix her problems. She’s got to figure out her life. Bending to her will and threats isn’t going to win any points with her.

What would you do if one of your friends talked to you that. I bet you’d feel that you’re being used and would be looking at that friendship. It’s kinda like that here as well.

DnJ

[Ready2Change]

A little while later, another long text to the effect that she doesnt want to be difficult, there's a lot of stuff in the shed she doesnt want or need, some of which I'd bought (true, but during the M, and mainly masculine items) and she'd be getting rid of as I didnt want them, that she knows our relationship is strained but trying to be amicable, she doesnt feel its fair I'm leaving the clear out of the shed to her, she feels she's helped me with our S during holidays and pick ups while I'm working, and if I cant compromise on this, it will obviously impact on our interactions.

H:"W, I understand how taking care of things can feel unfair and I appreciate you not wanting to be difficult and getting rid of the remaining items in the shed. I am sorry you feel us being amicable is straining our relationship. As far as parenting, I feel it is best that we are flexible when exceptions occur. I am always willing to Watch S if something come up for you. Regards, H"

[DS9]

Scout and DnJ,

Thanks so much for your input.

Scout, I like the options.

DnJ, you're so right mate with all the insight. Especially the 'her friends' bit. She said she left me in part to spend more time with friends, who she 'neglected'. Exactly - why arent they helping.

She actually asked me a few weeks ago to go halves with her in paying for someone to move the stuff, when she first planned to clear the shed. I thought about it and emailed her that I thought it best she arranged and paid for that herself. I even subsequently took another set of shelves I didnt really want

You said just reply with 'sorry you feel that way'

Do you think a reply like the following would hurt?

Sorry she feels that way and I understand where she's coming from

Saying I'll help with disposal of shelf if she pulls it apart, but setting a boundary where if she says she feels me not compromising will effect our interactions, then I feel controlled and like my previous assistance and compromise isnt being taken into account, then saying if she does it again I will not reply or act on the request.

Thoughts? Maybe too long and drawn out!

Cheers, DS

[DS9]

Thanks R2C!

[scout12]

I think the message is far too long.

"Sorry you feel that way, XW. It's not my intention to negatively affect our interactions. I've already fulfilled my responsibility regarding the storage unit and items therein. Thanks for your understanding."