IHC ~ I agree on the cognitive dissonance. I am blown away when I get these window-peeks into what my W is thinking.
U: I'm 18 months after BD, almost a year of limbo, and 368 days from telling the kids we are splitting up. 11 months from moving out. Coming up on anniversary of separation and having first set of holidays with kids on my own terms.
I've gotten though and get through by reading stories here that are similar to mine. I've come so far. I see you in my review mirror. Your situation and mentality and how you process is quite similar to mine. You've done some very different tactical maneuvers and I've watched you make them thinking "Oh crap. He's scr3wed".
I hope you are not... but I registered just now, and may make this the only post on the board I ever make to say THIS to YOU:
"Go dark, lawyer up, and prepare for your wife to lose. Her. Mind."
Expect her to hold you in so little regard that she's going to come after you financially, and for custody. She's being nice to get what she wants and needs, and she only wants more. When you start to ask for what's fair (50/50) she's going to lawyer up and you're going to see a side of her you had no idea existed.
Keep your side of the street clean, and say nothing to her. Believe nothing she says.
Odds are in 6-12 months you'll be facing trial and the only person who thinks what she's doing is reasonable will be her and her lawyer.
Brace yourself for this person to show you new colors from the rainbow. You have NO idea how bad this can get. Well.. you see it. You're preparing for it intellectually. I didn't. Then it came. The nicest, conflict-avoidant, emotionally-stuck spouse in the world just. Doesn't. Care. About. You. Anymore.
Meditate, exercise, and find your joy. But do not give any quarter and let your lawyer bring you what you should have never moved out without in the first place. A custody and financial agreement that was fair. You're not going to negotiate one with her now. In six months the odds get worse. In a year? She'll deserve more and she'll punish you to get it all while you were hoping she'd snap out of it. The person who said she'd be reasonable will go SIDEWAYS.
You can sleep at night for trying it this way. You've handled this with honor and dignity and compassion. But it will get you nowhere from here on out.
MLCxH, glhf, CW, R2C -- Thank you. I never take 2x4's personally -- I come here exactly to hear these things.
I'm sure some of you are shaking your fists at the screen "JUST FOLLOW OUR ADVICE DOGGONE IT!!! When is this guy going to learn?!?!"
glhf - That was a really sobering and resonating post for me. I never really considered how many people must be here reading and not posting. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story and point of view.
Happy Holidays to everyone... time to go shop for Xmas dinner and get my house ready for the big day!
Really excited for the kids to arrive in a couple hours, quick post.
Yesterday W messaged me that she was going to set up a new MC appointment. I said I wasn't interested in going. She responded by wondering how we were going to arrange "child visits" then.
The night before she was saying we should be able to work things out ourselves. So I'm not sure why she feels we need to go to MC unless... she wants to keep mashing on that button that I am unsafe, that my time with the kids is a "visit," etc. etc.
Then we went to Xmas Eve dinner at a local restaurant as a family. Kids were dressed up, super cute. Not a normal Xmas Eve by any means, but good to be with them for an hour. As we left, W gave me a thoughtful, small, personal gift, and gave me a hug and wouldn't let go. She was crying. I felt empty, tired, confused, just wanted to leave.
She responded by wondering how we were going to arrange "child visits" then.
That's you taking away your wife's control (beyond 50/50) of when you see the kids--good for you! Happy Holidays. Glad you (and I) find ourselves in a good place, about to see our kiddos (38min for me!)
As we left, W gave me a thoughtful, small, personal gift, and gave me a hug and wouldn't let go. She was crying.
Confusing to say the least. Enjoy it, however try not to read too much in to it. I wonder if the vets have a good read on what it meant. I just wanted to stop by your thread and wish you and the kids a Merry Xmas, U.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
That's you taking away your wife's control (beyond 50/50) of when you see the kids--good for you! Happy Holidays. Glad you (and I) find ourselves in a good place, about to see our kiddos (38min for me!)
This. Many WAS's enjoy the immediate control they have over the LBS. But file for D, refuse to play nice, or stop participating in manipulation and watch how they act then.
