One year in...

[Jac12]

Update:

Overall things have been better and I've seen slight improvements and changes in her and her behaviour.

She even asked me last Friday to spend the evening with her (she didn't stay over). That was a first in 13 months.

My question:

Her lease is up at the end of January and her options were 1) Move back home with us 2) Move in with her mom and pay down some debt 3) find a new place month to month.

She seems to really want #3 right now as we've both agreed it's not best at this point for her to move fully in. She's starting her counselling on Monday and knows she needs to figure her life out. I was hoping she would choose to live with her mom for a bit and pay down some debt.

Anyways - She continues to be a little wishy washy with me and I'm doing my best to stay neutral whether she says something positive or negative. The fact that she's choosing option #3 makes me feel like there may be unfinished business with a potential OM (although no OM has been confirmed). She says she doesn't want to move back in with her mom because it reminds her of her dad too much and makes her sad and she feels that's not good for someone who has been struggling with depression. And that house is one hour away from my house where my son lives.

So it makes sense but I'm skeptical...my problem is I don't want to be skeptical of her actions - but I guess until I have the trust back I will be and that's probably smart.

I guess I don't really have a question, just some thoughts on what's currently going on...

[unchien]

She seems to really want #3 right now as we've both agreed it's not best at this point for her to move fully in. She's starting her counselling on Monday and knows she needs to figure her life out. I was hoping she would choose to live with her mom for a bit and pay down some debt.

Anyways - She continues to be a little wishy washy with me and I'm doing my best to stay neutral whether she says something positive or negative. The fact that she's choosing option #3 makes me feel like there may be unfinished business with a potential OM (although no OM has been confirmed). She says she doesn't want to move back in with her mom because it reminds her of her dad too much and makes her sad and she feels that's not good for someone who has been struggling with depression. And that house is one hour away from my house where my son lives.

Option #1 is a clear no-go.

Option #2 is what YOU want but not what she wants. There is a bit of desire to control there maybe?

Option #3 is what she wants. Ignore the why. It could be on OM, it could be she doesn't like #2 for the reasons you listed. Or it could be even she doesn't know.

I read this incredible book 15 years ago explaining emotional reasoning. We all like to think we are rational when making life choices. But what happens most of the time is we make a decision based on an emotional hunch, and then we back up and rationalize why it is the right choice. Then we call ourselves rational.

I would bet there is a high likelihood your W doesn't know why she wants Option #3. It could be a mix of all the items you cited, or it could just be her hunch that it is the most comfortable situation for her at this time right now. I think you are right to remain as neutral as possible and don't commit to anything like Option #1 until her actions, words and behaviors are consistent (i.e., you are not confused by her intentions).

I've never dealt with OM issues and I can imagine your emotions get really stirred up just thinking about the possibility.

[Jac12]

Thanks Unchien - when you lay it like that I no you are right. Option #1 just doesn't make sense for many reasons at the moment and obviously she prefers #3 for her own reasons.

She still feels really selfish at the moment and that makes me keep my guard up too. As for a possible OM - I don't really get too stirred up about that at this point. We've been separated for nearly 1 year now and in a way I feel like she's losing me. I need to be better with GAL but I'm starting to feel more like she's the one missing out rather than I'm the one missing out (which is how I felt at the beginning).

Now that she's moving in to another place it just feels like the end of this (one way or another) isn't coming up too soon. At the end of the day she is still choosing to not be with me so I need to continue to give space and sort out my life.

Yesterday was her Bday. As we were out (she invited me out with her family) she asked me if I would be willing to see her new place or go there at some point. She asked because she knew I really wanted nothing to do with her old place due to the circumstances. She said: "I thought maybe you'd be ok seeing my new place as things are different now but let me know".

I said: "Yeah it does feel different but it's hard because my W is still choosing to live somewhere else." I should have just said "it does feel different, but we will see."

The lack of affection though is draining and certainly makes me feel like she's not interested and never will be. I know it's not that black and white but it makes me realize I need to work on some thigns that R2C would suggest.

[LH19]

J,

Man I can't get a read on your sitch. Your W is to young for MLC and you haven't been married long enough for resentment. I think it has to be mental illness or OM which makes it tough because one requires empathy and the other requires tough love.

You're are in a tough spot.

[Jac12]

J,

Man I can't get a read on your sitch. Your W is to young for MLC and you haven't been married long enough for resentment. I think it has to be mental illness or OM which makes it tough because one requires empathy and the other requires tough love.

You're are in a tough spot.

Yeah I feel like I keep bouncing around between both empathy and tough love although I've tended to side with empathy. I'm pretty sure it's mental illness and she keeps mentioning depression herself and looking after her mental health. I have a few acquaintances removed from our mutual circle who are in the health field and they also are convinced there is mental illness.

It's also quite possible that it's both and the mental illness was the trigger for an OM (in reality I don't think there is currently an OM but there may have been at the beginning of our sitch - but still never a confirmation of anything).

What I struggle with is why can't she work on herself and still be with me and our son? Why can't we be a family and support her through this? Why does she have to do everything on her own? If she just said listen H I have a lot going on that I'm dealing with but I do hope and want our family to remain intact and I want us to be together I just need time to sort myself out and deal with some things....then this would be much easier. But that's not how things work I guess.

Very difficult.

[LH19]

I think she’s out right now and doesn’t want to give you false hope. I think there is hope if you’re infinitely patient. I have more hope for you then most others.

[Jac12]

I kind of feel like that too - infinite patience is key.

She is treating me a lot better again and we have enjoyed the time we are spending with each other. She starts counselling tomorrow and I imagine she'll share some of that experience with me as she's been more open over the past 6-8 weeks.

[SamCal]

Yeah I feel like I keep bouncing around between both empathy and tough love although I've tended to side with empathy. I'm pretty sure it's mental illness and she keeps mentioning depression herself and looking after her mental health. I have a few acquaintances removed from our mutual circle who are in the health field and they also are convinced there is mental illness.

It's also quite possible that it's both and the mental illness was the trigger for an OM (in reality I don't think there is currently an OM but there may have been at the beginning of our sitch - but still never a confirmation of anything).

What I struggle with is why can't she work on herself and still be with me and our son? Why can't we be a family and support her through this? Why does she have to do everything on her own? If she just said listen H I have a lot going on that I'm dealing with but I do hope and want our family to remain intact and I want us to be together I just need time to sort myself out and deal with some things....then this would be much easier. But that's not how things work I guess.

Very difficult.

J - I am going through something similar, where I believe it's mental illness adjacent, and have those same thoughts all of the time about why he needs to be away from me to work out his stuff. My H has also said he doesn't want to give me false hope b/c he thinks he's mostly out but he knows his feelings can change, amongst some other stuff below.

I am glad to hear your W is going to IC, though. My H has been going since before BD.

It's really tough because you are in a different phase of the processing than she is. I recently read an article that discussed being with your partner when they aren't meeting your needs. It focused on digging deep and finding compassion for them, and the likely reason they can't show up for you emotionally is because they can't show up for themselves emotionally, either. It went on to discuss how part of moving forward is figuring out if you're OK fulfilling your own needs while your partner works alongside you to unblock whatever it is that's going on. While I found this article helpful, the "working alongside" phrase is what hit a nerve - that's the part that hurts; to not work alongside. In my situation, H does have moments of clarity and admits that he is emotionally volatile, and is trying to calm that part down because he knows it would cause him to overanalyze things to our detriment. I don't know what other kind of mental goalposts he has put up for himself; I haven't asked because I doubt he knows anyhow. Hopefully your W's IC can help her move forward to that, and realize that she can work on herself without isolation.

[Jac12]

Samcal, thanks for your post. I guess I'm doing ok with being patient and finding compassion and I shouldn't expect that to be easy given the circumstances.

You're sentence about her not being able to show up emotionally for me because she' can't for herself yet makes sense and hits home.

We've talked enough about mental illness and depression (me and my W) that I'm pretty sure this is more about what she's going through rather than our relationship.

She has said some very interesting things regarding a potential future with each other recently (in a positive way) but I try really hard not too read anything into it.

I think the more I focus on myself and our son and just give her the space without pressure the more chance we'll have of R down the road.

Time will tell.

[Jac12]

Update:

My W had her counselling appointment on Monday and she shared a few things last night with me. I won't go into detail but the therapist suggested that due to the trauma of her past she may struggle with loving, stable relationships. Combined with the feeling of numbness since her dad was diagnosed with cancer (and you can't shut that on and off) she was possible looking for ways to feel things, whether that's by spending money excessively, picking fights, etc....

As she told me the loving, stable relationship part she started crying.
ME:" I see that upsets you, can you share why?"
W: "Because I was so close to throwing away something good"
Me: "I understand, I'm proud of you though for getting some help"

I'll leave it at that. I did my best to listen as much as possible and leave my thoughts out of the conversation. I thanked her for sharing with me and soon after she left to get back to her place.

She's definitely in a better place these days but the process will be long.