This is a gift #2

[unchien]

may ~ Thanks for the response. I'm not sure if I'm doing better or just more focused on taking some actions. I've also had my kids the last few days, which takes me out of thinking mode and more in "super busy dad" mode.

Honestly I'm feeling terrified but I have no choice but to plug forward or I will be stuck in the same situation.

In consulting L's, I have only considered the ones who prefer mediated approaches. I think it's unreasonable when people have kids, assets, etc., that they can sit down and easily mediate without counsel.

I absolutely hope she retains a L, I think we both need one and it can only help us both.

The potential allegations are a wrinkle I have to deal with. I wish we could be more civil on that point and I wouldn't be so revved up worried about the worst-case, but it is what it is

[MLCxH]

Standing up for myself is the biggest 180 I can make.

^^^ This - 100%. I have seen you make a lot of progress since you first came to this forum but I feel like you still have trouble here. One advantage of getting a L is that he/she will take care of this for you

If I could give you only one advice, I would ask you to stop analyzing endlessly and take concrete actions that will change your sitch. Stay strong

[unchien]

I sent a L the letters. They are concerned about them being used as leverage in a custody negotiation.

This feels sh*tty.

[LH19]

U,

Yes but they are going to have to be addressed at some point anyway. The longer this goes on the more money you’re out.

[unchien]

LH ~ I agree 100%. I want a L's input on how to proceed when factoring in the letters. The last thing I want to do is escalate this into some nuclear war that I could avoid.

We've done 4-10 custody for 6+ months with no incident. I haven't been on supervised visitation. Things calmed down somewhat over time. As hard as it has been, my W has backed off on her panic. I don't give the regular text/picture updates unless it's something necessary (like one of the kids being sick).

But the threat looms.

[MLCxH]

U,
I am not surprised that they will be used as leverage in negotiation. What I would be asking is the lawyers opinion on what they can get by using it as leverage (is it 45-55 or 40-60 etc for custody instead of 50-50). Also, what steps can you take to prove to a court that you are a good father to your kids? Documenting your time being spent with the kids over the past six months is one of them but there are other things you could probably do.

Just my opinion but when you talk to the lawyer, you probably want them to understand your entire sitch and give you their opinion on what will happen during the D. Make sure they can account for all things and not just the letters.

In one of your previous posts a while ago, you had mentioned you talked to a lawyer and they said the letters were not an issue. Curious what changed now? Is it because the lawyer did not read the actual letter at that time?

[unchien]

Correct, the lawyer did not read the letters at the time. It was a 1 hour consult.

I am of the same mindset as you. I want to share with the L all the relevant details before making a decision.

[unchien]

I should say... my W has *never* brought up the letters. She only acknowledged receiving the first one when I gave it to her. She has never brought them up threateningly or otherwise. Not that this comforts me.

[unchien]

W texted this morning.

During our conversation 2 nights ago, she had pushed back on my request to have more weekdays/nights because I may need some after-school help for the kids, even if just for an hour or two. I pointed out she has help with the kids a couple times a week after-school. So now she is asking if I am saying I can pick up the kids after-school so she doesn't need to hire help.

Then she said "Clear communication is key."

I can think of no response that would lead anywhere helpful. Just more back-and-forth leading nowhere. She was calling me names two nights ago.

The best I can think of is: "I do not wish to discuss these matters over text" or something similar

[may22]

Hi U,

Why would she need to hire help? I'm confused... if you have the kids for certain nights, isn't that your deal to manage them, after school care or whatever? Also, isn't your W a SAHM?

Here's a (maybe crazy) idea that a couple of my Ded friends do-- the spouse who has the more flexible schedule picks the kids up from school. In one case, the mom brings the kids to the dad's house (her old house) and usually actually cooks them dinner, he gets home and she goes. In the other case, the dad picks the D up from school, takes her to his house, and the mom swings by and gets her on the way home from work. Maybe something like that would work? It seems like anything you can do to demonstrate you are being cooperative but still holding strong on your desire for more time with your children will be a positive thing, both now and potentially for the D.

Texting back and forth does seem like a difficult way to communicate. Were you guys trying to use email?

Hang in there!