This is a gift #2

[unchien]

W and I had a phone convo tonight and it hit the fan. For anonymity's sake (not sure I would be anonymous at this point but whatever...), I will spare the long gory details. Her ideas about what this D will look like are so far out of line of what is standard, but she hopes we can "work something out that works for everyone." I kept the conversation respectful while standing up for myself, and she resorted to insults and suggesting I talk to my IC about my "problems." I had to cut off the conversation and told her I would not continue anymore if she could not be respectful.

It's pretty clear that I have 2 options. Well, really only 1.

1. Get a L, try mediation, see how it flames out when I stand up for myself, face a court trial with my W's accusations.

2. Cave into my W's demands (or requests) and watch the goalposts continually move.

Either way, my kids are going to suffer and I feel boxed in. This s*cks.

I may or may not focus my posts away from logistical details and stick to emotions. I'm a little freaked out where this may be headed.

[LH19]

U,

I'm sorry you had such a difficult call. WWs are definitely in a fantasy land about what D will look like.

Have you spoke to a lawyer and were completely honest of the incidents where you made bad decisions and what type of evidence your W had against you?

[unchien]

Yes and no. I haven’t had one read the apology letters through but that is my next step. I have mentioned the existence and basic content of the letters.

It is a nightmare and I feel like I’m in a tough spot. Even retaining a L will likely be construed as an act of war, where for me I think of it as a necessary protective step.

[LH19]

U,

I hate to tell you this but the Cold War has been going on for probably years with her and her Generals planning their strategy. You need to decide how to combat the nuclear war on the horizon. Strike first or play defense.

[MLCxH]

U, sorry you are going through this but I feel like your options were limited to these for a while now. You should read back through your threads and I am guessing you can see that you were probably picking option 2 for a while now. It appears that now you are more aware which is not necessarily a bad thing in terms of planning your next steps.

What is your concern with option 1 that makes you think the kids will suffer more than the current sitch (unless you were hoping you could R with your WAW)? If you retain a lawyer now for legal advice and consultation, your WAW may not even know that till you initiate some legal action against her, right?

[unchien]

She will see the retainer money deducted from our savings. I would prefer to notify her rather than she finds out in a surprise aha moment.

My kids may see what happens as me ruining my W’s life. They may resent me for not making this easier on her. I feel like everything is a lose-lose.

[LH19]

U,

Come on man. Your oldest is 7. The only way they would get that impression is if your w puts it in their heads and that you can’t control.

[MLCxH]

I am wondering what you are thinking in terms of next steps then? If option 1 is not feasible for you, do you plan to continue with option 2 for some more time? Have you thought of any other options in addition to these two?

[unchien]

I am wondering what you are thinking in terms of next steps then? If option 1 is not feasible for you, do you plan to continue with option 2 for some more time? Have you thought of any other options in addition to these two?

Well I need counsel first and foremost. I can't help if she thinks this is inflammatory.

W's idea is to go into mediation unrepresented and we will hash things out. She doesn't want the kids in after-school care if she is available to watch them, she doesn't want to work FT while the kids are young, she talks about her living options as either staying in the house we own or moving to a studio in a terrible neighborhood (very black and white). It's a convenient way to argue that I shouldn't have the kids on weeknights. And she doesn't want to give up weekend time because the kids always tell her they have so much fun at my place (which clearly irritates her). Her idea is minimal impact to the kids. I told her last night that things cannot remain the same, this is what happens in a D. It wasn't very DB of me, but I refuse to perpetuate the fantasy she has that I'm going to agree with her ideas about what is best for the kids. Standing up for myself is the biggest 180 I can make.

She does little things which you could call throwing me scraps, I will grant her that - letting me take the kids for a couple hours here and there. But it's not about the important things that I want ultimately. The more I ask for something that deviates from her plan (like having more than a 4-10 parenting split), she gets emotional and starts talking like I am a defective parent and person and SHE is the supportive one watching me through some process she imagines I'm going through.

I feel like what I want is fair and simple. I want to trend to 50-50 when D4 hits K. Split our assets fairly. And I will pay support in a way that allows my W some time to get back to work, but not in a way where I am paying her not to work.

I understand my W is probably scared about all these potential changes and how her life will get turned upside-down in many ways. And her fear must motivate the allegations. I can step outside myself and empathize with her mindset even if I think it is exaggerated and overblown and, well, fiction. She has never filed a report or RO. But she still SAYS these things all the time, and I think it is a huge risk when we do start hashing things out.

Anyways, MLC, to your point, there is a 3rd option I am considering but I'm doing some legwork before proceeding with that one. It is probably the right one to take. Option 2 no longer works for me (remember MWD... do what works... Option 2 has been my MO for 9 months now...)

[may22]

Hi U,

You seem to be in a much better place today than the last couple-- glad to see that. (Are you? Or does it just come across that way here?)

The way I see it, the longer things go on this way the worse it is for you, because it is reinforcing her fantasy of what D could be like and could potentially demonstrate that you are OK with less time with the kids.

Here's another option-- what if you told your wife you were going to talk to an attorney just to be sure you fully understood what the possibilities were, and encouraged her to do the same, as a prerequisite to starting mediation? See if you could both find Ls who specialized in mediation, not the knock-down drag-out win at all costs kind? (At least in my city, there seem to be several firms that really try to emphasize the mediation path.) Mediation might actually go better and not flame out if she has counsel helping her to understand that what you're proposing is quite fair.

Hang in there!