Around this time 8 years ago my wife separated from me. At that time we had been married for 10years and I got the ILYBINILWY speech. We had three children then, I moved out of the house and was staying with family. I found this website and purchased the DB book and tried my best to the it. Months went by and after finally dropping the rope and GAL my wife began reaching out to me and we eventually reconciled.
Since then we had a fourth child and purchased a new home. On NYE I got the bomb dropped on me again but this time I knew it was coming and did nothing to stop it. For the past year we have been living as roommates, no fighting but no emotional connection either. She told me she wasn’t happy, that things were back to the way there were 8 years ago and all I did was make promises that I did not fulfill and did nothing to make myself a better person or husband.
I knew I wasn’t happy this last year and I told her many times that I wanted more in our relationship but I never put in the work myself. So I’m back to where I was 8 years ago, this time still in the house. I did ALL the mistakes again the first few days. Cried, begged, pleaded, etc. We told our kids we are separating and that W was gonna go stay at her parents for awhile. Right after that she spoke to her parents for the first time about the relationship and they convinced her to stay in the house. So I sleep on the couch and she has the bedroom. I’m struggling very bad, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I can’t believe I’m back here again. I’m trying to give her space in the house, being pleasant with her, not calling or texting her during the day but I can’t get the knot out of my stomach. I’ve done this the right way once before and here I sit failing again.
Mr. Scorpion, (love the name BTW) I think many LBS fall in to the same trap (few return here though) Because the changes stop being made after the reconciliation is "complete" and people get lazy and complacent.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last edited by job; 01/07/2006:01 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
8 years ago it was tons of fighting and yelling and screaming. This time around she says she is checked out. You are correct. I learned nothing last time. I got what I wanted and stopped.
As I said this past year was difficult but these last 4 months were the worst. Even though she had told me she is done, in December we did stuff with just the two of us and as a family. Most were enjoying but then I would press the R and she would shut down. I was drinking way to much as well and it did not help. I’m 6 days without a drink now, longest oven been in years.
I agree. That is what I keep focusing on, making myself better for me and the kids. I needed a wake up call in my life and I got it. I want to be a better all around even if I lose my spouse.
8 years ago it was tons of fighting and yelling and screaming. This time around she says she is checked out. You are correct. I learned nothing last time. I got what I wanted and stopped.
As I said this past year was difficult but these last 4 months were the worst. Even though she had told me she is done, in December we did stuff with just the two of us and as a family. Most were enjoying but then I would press the R and she would shut down. I was drinking way to much as well and it did not help. I’m 6 days without a drink now, longest oven been in years.
As another poster said, it is a common problem with LBSs. I too am guilty as charged. Went through my first sitch in 2005. Changed to get her back. Then did a slow burn back to the same poor behavior setting up BD#2 in Dec. 2017.
Learn from not learning, and learn this time. DBing is about saving yourself. Without doing that you will never have long-term success in a MR.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I agree. That is what I keep focusing on, making myself better for me and the kids. I needed a wake up call in my life and I got it. I want to be a better all around even if I lose my spouse.
BINGO! Welcome back Hank. Keep posting, we are here to help and support.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
