Don't press for relationship talks right now. She's not going to want to listen and let's face it, she may think that whatever changes you make this time around won't stick, i.e., just like the last time. The changes you make MUST become permanent and you cannot slip back into the old ways. The old marriage died and now, in order for things to work out, if she opts to try again, it will be a new marriage.
Congratulations on the 6 days of not drinking. Are you in AA? Do you have a sponsor or are you attempting to do this on your own? What other changes do you think that you need to make...take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself that question and jot down your responses. If you have a few changes that need to be made, then start working on them. Don't tell her about them, let her see that the changes are taking place and that they are going to be a part of your day-to-day life permanently.
If you love this woman and truly want her back, you've got a lot of hard work to do on yourself and to prove yourself to her before she will trust you again. Don't be discouraged....you can do this if you put your mind to it. You did it years ago and you can do it again. Dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last few days have been hard. Not sleeping well on the couch but putting on positive face when around her. Giving her space inside the home and DBing when I get a chance with her and the kids. Have not brought up R talks since Saturday night. We went to church together Saturday night and as a family Sunday. She made it clear Saturday that her mind is not changed.
She sent me a text message yesterday asking if I was ok. This was the first time I was alone in the house due to everyone going back to work or school. Replied that I was doing fine and thanked her for the text.
I’ve already lost some weight so I’ve been dressing in better fitting clothes and keeping my appearance up.
Since you have been here before, I will not sugar coat anything.
Originally Posted by HankScorpio
So I sleep on the couch and she has the bedroom.
Get back in the MBR. No more sleeping on the couch.
Quote
I’m struggling very bad, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep
Go see doc about meds. Tell him what is going on. Best thing I did when I went through my sitch back in 2010.
Quote
and I can’t believe I’m back here again. I’m trying to give her space in the house, being pleasant with her, not calling or texting her during the day but I can’t get the knot out of my stomach. I’ve done this the right way once before and here I sit failing again.
Get out of your head. Make goals and start working toward them. Daily, weekly, monthly.
Get out and exercise. Go for walks/runs.
Get busy doing things. GAL like a madman. Be the best dad ever.
I see you had Starsky309 (puppydogtails) giving you advise in the past. He no longer posts here, but he is one of the best DBers we had. Jack3Beans posted to you as well. He was very wise. Go back and read their advise to you.
No AA, just doing it myself. I do see a psychiatrist and psychologist regularly and have one appointment on Thursday. She asked this morning when my next appointment was.
She is pleasant and nice to me around kids and distant when it is just us. I try not to initiate the conversations but struggle with that.
How would you recommend that I tell her I’m sleeping back in the bed? She stated that she didn’t want to confuse the kids with us still in the same bed and had offered to sleep on the couch herself. Should I let her do that and start sleeping in the bed?
How would you recommend that I tell her I’m sleeping back in the bed? She stated that she didn’t want to confuse the kids with us still in the same bed and had offered to sleep on the couch herself. Should I let her do that and start sleeping in the bed?
Yes.
You just do it. If(When) she asks:
W"What are you doing???" H"I decided I like it here better"
Then listen and validate her FEELINGS.
W"Bla bla bla bla" H"I am sorry you feel that way"
or
W"Bla bla bla bla" H"I can see why that would make you angry"
How would you recommend that I tell her I’m sleeping back in the bed? She stated that she didn’t want to confuse the kids with us still in the same bed and had offered to sleep on the couch herself. Should I let her do that and start sleeping in the bed?
You don't say anything. Tonight, get ready and get into bed. When she protests you say "I've decided that I like sleeping here."
She'll either decide to share the bed again, or she will go sleep on the couch. It matters not to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Now is a time for VERY few words and taking action.
Most poster talk way too much. STFU and listen. STFU and validate how she feels. STFU and observe. Do not share how you feel or what you need or what you want or how you see the future.
H"I am not sure" H"I need time to think about that" H"I will let you know when I decide" H"I have not thought about that"
Deflect as much as you can.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Now is a time for VERY few words and taking action.
Most poster talk way too much. STFU and listen. STFU and validate how she feels. STFU and observe. Do not share how you feel or what you need or what you want or how you see the future.
H"I am not sure" H"I need time to think about that" H"I will let you know when I decide" H"I have not thought about that"
Deflect as much as you can.
This...I am a firm believer that most LBS's talk (and act) their way right out of what, if anything, is left of their MR.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
