Parenting styles is defiantly a huge factor in the R. It is what caused the problems 8 years ago.
Since the bomb I have been patient with the kids and loving them every chance I can get. This morning I stepped in once and helped a situation and a second time asked if she wanted help, she said sure and I helped the best I could. She has mentioned that at times she doesn’t want my help, she is taking care of it and I come in and make things worse. Other times she’s frustrated and wants my help without asking.
I’m glad I got to help this morning and last night with the youngest. It made me feel closer to her.
1) She did not react emotionally. This will make it harder. Her reacting emotionally is good. If she becomes angry sometime in the future, your job is to be calm no matter how emotional she becomes. You are strong enough to handle her emotions.
2) She said "tonight". Again, be prepared for her to want you to move out of MBR.
W:"Lets alternate bla bla bla." H"You are free to sleep where ever you want. I am sleeping in MY bed" Firm but kind. W:"Bla bla bla"
Listen and validate her feelings. "That must be frustrating for you" etc
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
1) She did not react emotionally. This will make it harder. Her reacting emotionally is good. If she becomes angry sometime in the future, your job is to be calm no matter how emotional she becomes. You are strong enough to handle her emotions.
2) She said "tonight". Again, be prepared for her to want you to move out of MBR.
W:"Lets alternate bla bla bla." H"You are free to sleep where ever you want. I am sleeping in MY bed" Firm but kind. W:"Bla bla bla"
Listen and validate her feelings. "That must be frustrating for you" etc
Great advice as always R2C.
For other reading this, we do not advocate this to be macho. Or to be MRAs. We advocate this because the LBS (regardless of gender) is not the one blowing up the marriage and therefore should not leave the MBR.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We just paid bills and she is very jaded. I racked up some medical debt a few months ago and she is not happy about it. I’ve messed up by trying to make small talk with her. She is not receptive.
She shows no love, no happiness outside of the kids. She had already told me she doesn’t love me with her words. She is now showing me with her actions. It hurts so bad.
We just paid bills and she is very jaded. I racked up some medical debt a few months ago and she is not happy about it. I’ve messed up by trying to make small talk with her. She is not receptive.
She shows no love, no happiness outside of the kids. She had already told me she doesn’t love me with her words. She is now showing me with her actions. It hurts so bad.
Yep, I was in the same boat. My W was as cold as a freezer in the Arctic. Remember, marathon, not a sprint. You can't fix in days or weeks what took months and years to get into. Patience is the key ingredient here. You have to be patient. Just with the process. Trust it. This forum had helped dozens of LBSs through this stuff. Listen to the vets. Enact their advice.
Also, stop focusing on her. Focus on you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
They can be as cold as ice and it's their way of letting us know not to come any closer and that they are done. Here's the deal, you can't fix her, but you can fix yourself. Focus on you and your children...okay?
I'm going out on a limb and give you this wee bit of advice, if you find something isn't working, try something different. For example, if she's not interested in small talk, so keep your talks about the children and finances and anything of an emergency nature. When she discovers that you are giving her that almighty space and time she needs, trust me, she will eventually talk to you, but it may be in spurts for a bit. If, and when, she does talk to you, listen...but don't be too quick in attempting to drum up conversations because she may very well go right back into deep freeze again. Follow her lead on the talks for a bit.
Trust the system...it truly works. DB is not just for saving your marriage, but it is also a way to help you save yourself and become the man or woman that the posters should be. It helps you rediscover the person you once were and helps you find a way to become that person who is happy within himself/herself. Posters learn new ways to communicate and interact w/others. It can also be used in your day-to day life each and every day.
Stay positive, breathe and try to remember...Rome wasn't built in a day and what has happened over the years cannot be fixed in a few short days. Think marathon, not sprint.
Keep the focus on you and your kids.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You don’t know how much I appreciate the support. I’m trying to give her space and focus on myself and the kids. Last time I wasn’t in the house so it was all in my head. Now with both of us in the same house it is so hard not to reach out to her. I will keep at it.
One daughter asked if family wanted to play board game. We all said yes except W but she played. This was a perfect opportunity to show off a 180. Most times when we play board games the kids become tense, emotions run high and people get angry. We apparently take our board gaming seriously. More often than not I would lose my temper because of the fighting and it would all go down hill.
This time I stood tall and even though some kids were getting upset I encouraged them all to have fun and ended the game with a smile on my face. I liked that I did that.
Nice job today. Keep up the good work. Keep that focus on you and your kids. Continue to work on YOU!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
After I got home from BB practice, I sat at the table and small talk ensued followed by R talk. I tried my best to shut my mouth and just listen and validate. Ton was said by her.
I have a habit of not sleeping in the bed for years. She stated she was mad as hell last night when I got back in the MBR cause why haven’t I cared before and now all of sudden I do. Listened to her, validated her feelings.
She stated that it’s been hard for her not to notice how I have been because it so different, it’s so not me. Listened to her, validated her feelings.
Why now she asks, why not 8 years ago, a year ago, a month ago. I’ve said I was done for the last year, why are just hearing me now? I listened to her, I validated her feelings.
