Midlife wife crisis12

[Jac12]

Wolf - it sounds like you would take your Ex-W in a heartbeat...you're still concerned with either being right or how your actions will affect the thinking of your Ex-W.

Maybe you shouldn't have gotten into another relationship b/c I feel like you'd drop her in a second if your Ex-W wanted to reconcile.

As for the costume...it sounds like you were trying to pick a fight. Stick to whatever is in the agreement and if you're unsure then think about your kids and how you'd like to help them as much as you can.

[Ready2Change]

I need help!!!

Hi Wolf. Ultimately this comes down to your agreements, your goals, and legal obligations.

I paid for things as long as we both agreed to things before hand. When she unilaterally decided things, I stood my ground. We had mediation at one point where I agreed to pay a little more every month in child support. The only reason I agreed to this was she agreed to "pro-se"..ie no more lawyers involved in our augments.

Personally, I would stand hard on anything that you did not agree to cover. You are also allowed to change your mind about things. You are getting your own house. Do you want more custody? You can kiss you kids goodnight in your house during your parenting time. Child support would also be recalculated.

How do I respond to this?

You don't

[joejoe1]

Wolf,

You are asking us what you should do.

IMO, you shouldn't apologize. But you state what you are willing to accept.

"ExW, I love helping my kids, I have no problem providing for them, I'm providing more than enough to allow you to purchase them, their needed outfit. but for now, I would rather keep our interactions to a minimal if it's not about the kids."

She hurled a lot of accusations at you. If they aren't true then more on. But you shouldn't apologize. Was your attacks the right thing, I don't think so, but learn and don't do them again.

Joejoe01

[IHCLACS]

I like JoeJoe's approach and delivery. Firm but polite. What I want to know though Wolf is are these accusations true and if you have a blind spot so to speak to them for what XW is saying from her perception? Again there is a fine line between gaslighting and shaming someone from a delusional and narcissistic victimhood POV, and being oblivious to your own behaviors. If you are confident that none of those accusations are true. Joe Joe's approach sounds like the ticket. Did XW clarify further on your past behaviors and why?

[neffer]

She is showing her feelings Wolf. Keep validation basics and get out of those R talks.
Keep DBing: no confrontations. Hey Wolf, she´s showing you her reality. It´s not yours, don´t buy it.

Kid first, always.

Be consistent, keep the lighthouse shining.

[LH19]

W,

Boy I have to say your girlfriend is a lucky girl. You are clearly using her to try to make your W jealous so she will want you back.

I will say this one more time. In 5 years on this board I have never seen a WW change there mind after being D for 2 months.

What is the lie you told her parents?

[Ginger1]

W,

Boy I have to say your girlfriend is a lucky girl. You are clearly using her to try to make your W jealous so she will want you back.

I will say this one more time. In 5 years on this board I have never seen a WW change there mind after being D for 2 months.

What is the lie you told her parents?

OMG. This, right here. This is why you don’t date when married. This woman is either blind or desperate. I’m sorry. There is a cold hard truth. What you are doing is not right to this lady.

[Ginger1]

By the way. I have been divorced for 12 years. Since my daughter was a baby. Dance costumes are 50/50 no matter who gets more money. Anything related to extra curricular a, like uniforms and dance costumes are split 50/50. Child care is calculated according to income.

Here is for the brutal brutal honesty. I hope you can handle it.

You come off as very entitled and you want everything to work the way you think it should. Then you spin out when it doesn’t. I am
Not saying this to be mean. But can you see how you might be coming off this way?

[Ginger1]

I’m bad at quoting, but listen to yourself!

“I used the word vindictive because that is what she used to call me. So I wanted to use it right back at her”

Wolfman, you just defined vindictive right there. What you did was the definition of vindictive. So technically, your W is right .

[Wolfman]

Wolf - it sounds like you would take your Ex-W in a heartbeat...you're still concerned with either being right or how your actions will affect the thinking of your Ex-W.

Maybe you shouldn't have gotten into another relationship b/c I feel like you'd drop her in a second if your Ex-W wanted to reconcile.n.

Maybe I shouldn’t have. But I know I will always have a love for my ex. I was with her for 20 years. But I also don’t know if I would jump right back with her. Do I miss my family,,, YES. But my GF treats me like a king. She is amazing. If my ex asked me back tomorrow i would have a lot of thinking to do. And I would have to know my ex would work on some things too. It can’t be all about me doing the work.

I need help!!!

Hi Wolf. Ultimately this comes down to your agreements, your goals, and legal obligations.
Personally, I would stand hard on anything that you did not agree to cover.

You are right. I have to abide by those 3 things and if it’s not in our agreement that I have to stand hard.

Wolf,
"ExW, I love helping my kids, I have no problem providing for them, I'm providing more than enough to allow you to purchase them, their needed outfit. but for now, I would rather keep our interactions to a minimal if it's not about the kids."

She hurled a lot of accusations at you. If they aren't true then more on. But you shouldn't apologize. Was your attacks the right thing, I don't think so, but learn and don't do them again.

Joejoe01

They aren’t true. I will not do that again. I just get so frustrated that I did not want this, I gave her the home, I have to pay child support, didn’t put up a fight with her and there is always more and more she is asking for. I understand now it’s not part of the child support, for me, it’s just like how much more do I have to keep giving. I know it’s for the kids and I will do anything for my kids, I just have to get use to this new life. Your answer was a great one thank you I liked it.

I like JoeJoe's approach and delivery. Firm but polite. What I want to know though Wolf is are these accusations true and if you have a blind spot so to speak to them for what XW is saying from her perception? Again there is a fine line between gaslighting and shaming someone from a delusional and narcissistic victimhood POV, and being oblivious to your own behaviors. If you are confident that none of those accusations are true. Joe Joe's approach sounds like the ticket. Did XW clarify further on your past behaviors and why?

I was vindictive in the marriage. I’ll explain how. Before I explain, I know now that what I did was wrong and will never do that again to her or anybody else. I had to learn to swallow my pride and not look to be vindictive. If she would ever turn me down for sex I would get mad. Not kiss her goodnight then or kiss her goodbye in the morning. If I asked her do do something like clean up her clothes and she didn’t do it, if she asked me for a favor then I wouldn’t do it. Again, totally wrong behavior!!! I hate myself for being like that. But I apologized for these behaviors when we first separated and acknowledged them and how they were wrong. But she does uses the word “vindictive” loosely. If I was busy doing something around the house and didn’t do something for her she would use that word. If I didn’t agree with her about something she would say that.

She is showing you her feelings wolf. Hey Wolf, she´s showing you her reality.

What do you mean by this? Showing her feelings and her reality?

W,

Boy I have to say your girlfriend is a lucky girl. You are clearly using her to try to make your W jealous so she will want you back.

I will say this one more time. In 5 years on this board I have never seen a WW change there mind after being D for 2 months.

What is the lie you told her parents?

I am not using her to make my ex jealous. I really do like her. And why do you keep saying about a WW change her mind? Not all do, and I will bet you she will never change her mind!! Actually there was no lie I ever told her parents. What she is referring to, which is none of her parents business was me dating someone. She tells her parents everything I did or done. And the lie that they think I told them was me still loving their daugher. But this is a conversation I had with them at the beginning of my situation. They think because now that I am dating that that was a lie. That was something I told them a year ago.

Here is for the brutal brutal honesty. I hope you can handle it.

You come off as very entitled and you want everything to work the way you think it should. Then you spin out when it doesn’t. I am
Not saying this to be mean. But can you see how you might be coming off this way?

My sense of entitlement is wanting the family back together. Also I worked so hard on that home so yeah I do feel a little sense of entitlement, I busted my butt for many years to get that home the way we wanted it, to now, having to walk away. Bust my butt and to give her all this money when I have the kids 50% yeah it bothers me!!