Newlywed and in crisis

[funbun]

Hi DB Forum, I feel like writing my thoughts down

Not much to update; I am still living separately from my W. Didn't contact her at all. Trying to GAL. Trying to give her space and time to calm down and think things through. Maybe I'll give her a week or two, then I'll contact her and ask how she is doing.

One thing that I haven't mentioned here is that W and I work at the same place. Even though we are living separately, we often cross paths when at work. When we do, we often avoid eye contact or give a weak smile when we pass by each other. I hate this. I hate that it has come to this, the fact that my wife is like a stranger to me.

I have also come to realize how difficult it is to detach for real. My mood and mentality frequently shifts in and out between "I want my wife back badly" and "it's okay, I can let go". One moment I am p!ssed at my W and then the next moment I feel empathetic to what W is going through. I do GAL, but I can't help but think about W and my sitch. I just hope that eventually I will get over it.

At work, I have to pretend everything is okay. Especially in front of W. Trying not to show her that I am actually feeling down inside. I think she is doing the same thing too; pretending to be happy around people when I am there. It's hard.

[AlisonUK]

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The divorce process is different here in my country. It follows the Islamic ruling where the husband holds a lot of say in terms of breaking of the marriage. Basically, wives cannot request for a divorce unless they have a valid reason (husband is abusive/not fulfilling his obligations, etc). However, there is a rule where wives can ask for a divorce by paying some sort of compensation to the husband (typically they have to return back the dowry).

When W asks "when are you going to let me go?" basically she wants me to give my permission for a divorce to the court.

I love my wife dearly and I hate to see her be miserable in this marriage. However, I still believe in saving this marriage and hence I am not willing to give the permission for a divorce... but when the time comes.. I will let her go.

Thanks for answering my question, Funbun. I guess the culture and expectations are so different between my situation and yours that my suggestions might not be useful to you. But I would consider granting someone their freedom an act of love. You can give permission, and she can do what she wants with that - right? It doesn't automatically mean you are divorced, it just means if she wants to seek one, you are not standing in her way? I hate to quote a cliche, but the phrase 'if you love something, set it free,' kind of makes sense here, doesn't it?

Personally, I don't believe there can be any true connection or intimacy without equality. That doesn't mean both partners in a marriage need to bring the same talents or skills or financial contributions: everyone is different and contributes differently. But if a law traps one partner in a marriage against their will, is that even truly a marriage? Saving your marriage probably doesn't mean trapping her in it until she sees sense, or feels the way you want her to feel, right?

What if you grant her the permission she wants, and let her do with that freedom whatever she wishes? If she returns, or delays a legal divorce, at least you know she's acting as an adult according to her preferences. What do you mean 'when the time comes' - do you mean 'when I decide the time is right?' - what about your wife and her decisions? Her judgement of the right time? Does that matter?

(of course you could easily argue she knew what the laws and customs around marriage were in your area before she got into it - she'd bound by an institution she entered into freely. There's some merit in that argument. But where does it get you? You're no more married, no more connected, no more enjoying the type of relationship you want and hope for.)

You also talk about going N/C for a couple of weeks then checking in with her. That's not N/C and it isn't space. Or at least, it is giving space and time on your own timetable and not hers. It isn't letting her come to you. It is going to take much much longer than a couple of weeks for feelings to settle, for the fog to clear, for the best way forward to become obvious. I've been there myself and I know how long two weeks can feel when you are suffering and not getting what you want. But checking in in the way you're planning to is pursuit and pressure and is likely to backfire. And I do think each of us deserves someone who wants to be with us - not someone who is forced by the law or cajoled or guilted or persuaded by us into being with us.

[Ready2Change]

Maybe I'll give her a week or two, then I'll contact her and ask how she is doing.

I strongly suggest against this. Let her come to you.

One thing that I haven't mentioned here is that W and I work at the same place.

It should have been the first thing you mentioned.

At work, I have to pretend everything is okay. Especially in front of W. Trying not to show her that I am actually feeling down inside.

This is what you need to always do.

The number one thing that women are attracted to is a confident man. Always project confidence.

Read this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984

Chase after success. Do not chase a woman. She is not the prize, you are. She is not a possession. Shine though all of this.

[funbun]

Thank you Alison and Ready2Change for the response,

I can understand how the laws of my country favour the H and I sincerely do not wish to impose on W's rights and freedom. Ever since the separation, she has stopped asking the question "when will you let me go?" and all talk of R and D has stopped as well. So everything is kind of in a limbo right now. She has plenty of space at the moment and I have mine. I will try my best to not pursue and work on myself.

Also, when I said "when the time comes", it meant two things, either

(1) I couldn't bear it anymore and decided to end it myself (hopefully not)

or (2) for when she asks for D again

Like I said, she has not asked for D for a while and the next time she does then I'll have to be firm and allow it. However, I'll ask her to sort out the D papers on her own and will neither help nor obstruct (like what some of you have suggested). At the end I'll just sign the papers and give my "consent".

Side note: it feels rather surreal for me to be thinking and talking about D. Heck, my whole sitch sounds surreal to me. Especially given that I am 28 years old. I am probably the youngest member here. lol. So like, I would be 28 AND also a divorcee..? Can't help but think I should be happily married right now but nope, god has a different plan I guess. Not trying to sound like a defeatist, just thinking about how unexpected and surreal things are right now. This is what I have to deal with. Gotta be strong.

[SteveLW]

Thank you Alison and Ready2Change for the response,

I can understand how the laws of my country favour the H and I sincerely do not wish to impose on W's rights and freedom. Ever since the separation, she has stopped asking the question "when will you let me go?" and all talk of R and D has stopped as well. So everything is kind of in a limbo right now. She has plenty of space at the moment and I have mine. I will try my best to not pursue and work on myself.

Also, when I said "when the time comes", it meant two things, either

(1) I couldn't bear it anymore and decided to end it myself (hopefully not)

or (2) for when she asks for D again

Like I said, she has not asked for D for a while and the next time she does then I'll have to be firm and allow it. However, I'll ask her to sort out the D papers on her own and will neither help nor obstruct (like what some of you have suggested). At the end I'll just sign the papers and give my "consent".

Side note: it feels rather surreal for me to be thinking and talking about D. Heck, my whole sitch sounds surreal to me. Especially given that I am 28 years old. I am probably the youngest member here. lol. So like, I would be 28 AND also a divorcee..? Can't help but think I should be happily married right now but nope, god has a different plan I guess. Not trying to sound like a defeatist, just thinking about how unexpected and surreal things are right now. This is what I have to deal with. Gotta be strong.

Wait, #2 is just words. Why would that be "when the time comes" for anything?

Her: "I want a D, I already told you this."
You: "Yes, I understand that you feel that D is what you want." (Or some other validating statement.)

WWs/WAWs will continue to say this throughout the sitch. My W repeated dozens of times during our sitch. Maybe 100s. ACTIONS are what matter. LBSs get so hung up on the words of the WS/WAS, it is like putting meaning into the words of a crazy person.

2 should read: When she takes action to D me. Who cares what she says? This reminds me of a quote from the Bible:

James 2:15,16
[15] If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food,
[16] And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?

Words are meaningless and empty without action to backe them up.

Also, there are a lot of 28 year-olds going through this or something similar, and divorced. Just very few of them have the wisdom to seek this forum and works of MWD out to help them.

[Ready2Change]

...Especially given that I am 28 years old...

Would you rather go though this now, or 10 years from now with several kids? Count your blessings. I was married at 29...three kids, 12 years later W tells me she is unhappy bla bla bla. She drug all 4 of us through the ugly mud of divorce. It is now 10 years post divorce. Best worst thing to happen to me.

There are so many layers to this. Ultimately it comes down to your personal growth. You have to really question everything you believe. During this period, study like a madman. Learn as much as you can. Make any changes you believe are important. This is about fixing yourself. We all have so many issues. Your W is a mirror reflecting issues back to you. Everyone else you interact with is as well.



Your #1 priority with your wife right now is to listen and validate her FEELINGS(Angry,sad,happy,scared, etc). Your #2 priority is to practice this skill with everyone you interact with. You make the conversation 100% about them. Do not share your story.

Listen/Validate repeat.



When you are not interacting with others, focus on tasks that are directly related to you goals. You goals should be things under your control. Not things like "saving the marriage" but rather, "Validate my W's feelings" or paint the living room, or wash the car, or learn some new work skills, or plant a garden, or make 5 people laugh today.

[funbun]

I miss her terribly today. My mind wonders what if all of this is some sort of curse. In order to break the curse, I need to make the right move. An act of reconnection to jump start her feelings again. Or am I going crazy.

At least right now she is no longer feeling angry with me and at work we said “hi” to each other. Maybe I should ask her out for dinner. Is that a good idea. Will a simple question of asking her out with little expectations of her saying yes be bad? Will it push her away?

I miss her terribly and I want her back. Are these strong feelings a good sign to take action or are they just misleading. Detaching is hard. Today is not a good day.

[Ready2Change]

Sorry you are having a bad day. If I was in your shoes, I would not ask her out. You want her to pursue you. That is your goal.

This is what MAY jump start her attraction for you again:

1) Missing you
2) Fear of loosing you
3) Seeing positive changes in your behavior


Focus on being attractive to all woman. Confidence and Commanding Respect. Understand how to be seductive. Keep focused on your personal growth.

[ovrrnbw]

In order to break the curse, I need to make the right move. An act of reconnection to jump start her feelings again. Or am I going crazy.

You're not going to bust some move and make her see the light.

Show her how strong you are and how you can survive this. Maybe she'll change her mind, maybe not.

I'd bet a lot of money that if you try this "act of reconnection" that she puts you down hard.

She's told you she wants to be single, can you listen to her?

[funbun]

Apologies, I had a bit of a relapse and needed to refocus. Sometimes the ‘withdrawal syndrome’ come knocking and it’s difficult to fight it. I find it especially difficult at night before sleep. Any tips on this?

I’ve regain a bit of my composure for the time being. Thanks R2C and ovrrnbw.