No, LRT is for a WAS that has moved out, and is not being very receptive to anything the LBS is trying to do. Have you read DR? There is a whole section on LRT, and the criteria for when it should be applied.
So LRT is less about OM, and more about the behavior of the WAS. Your sitch may or may not be appropriate for LRT. I'd really like for you to continue posting and give us more details. But also you need to read DR ASAP.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This has been labeled as an explanation of the LRT by JamesJohn several years back.
I see it as a pretty fluid DBing state of mind, where DB rubber meets the road. And he states that in his last paragraph...
IF you can get yourself to this point....you are in good shape
Try to not label what is or isn't. Do what works for YOU regardless the term...
Originally Posted by JamesJohn
The "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quit playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!
What Steve said. WAS's quickly master what we refer to as the "side arm hug", kind of like a guy hugs another guy when they haven't seen each other in a while. It's a bro hug with almost no body contact. When a WAS gives you one of those hugs you actually feel worse than if you had gotten no hug at all. So yeah, just don't. If she goes for a hug then fine, hug her back.
Oh, almost forgot, another WAS favorite is the "back pat hug". The LBS goes in for a frontal hug that the WAS can't avoid, so they hug but start patting you on the back like they are burping a baby. Talk about making you feel like a charity case, LOL!
Do what works for you. If she texts you, wait a bit before responding and only respond to what she is inquiring about. If you want to test the waters, the next time, ask how the trip is going and see if she'll open up a bit. If she doesn't, then you'll know not to ask again.
And...yes, you are over analyzing just a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Try one method, then try the other and see if there is a better outcome one way or the other. Job wrote it much better than I somewhere in my threads but basically try something, if it makes things worse, you know to avoid it for the near future.
I've found engaging the W at first was not a good move however now it seems like the right thing to do for the sitch. It all changes depending on her feelings at the time. I was even told "dont talk to someone when they arent in the right mind", like she legit knew that an R talk or engaging her would push us in the wrong direction.
Many of us are scared that one wrong move will cause the D. Myself included. Several wrong moves on many of our ends yet we are still in limbo, some piecing.
Best of luck, continuing to follow your sitch with hope.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
