I think the emotional immaturity could be a thing. I really don't think she is looking for the next thing or looking for that thrill and excitement. Now if it found her, that would be different.
I've also noticed that her drinking has taken an uptick with about a half of bottle of wine every night - not sure how that factors in.
She also quit her job because she hated it a couple of months ago and I supported her, her boss was a jerk. And now she is really trying to figure out what she wants to do next. She wants to make a bit of a career change, so she is putting time into that. Just some additional details.
I did order No More Mr. Nice Guy after listening to a book review of it, parts of it sounded familiar and I thought, based on the reviews, it couldn't hurt.
I think you will get a lot of it. Even if you aren't full blown NGS, most of us guys, without realizing, have some aspects of NGS. I know I did.
Wow, it really does sound like your W is stuck in a rut. Could mean she is also in a bit of a depression. Has your MC ever suggested IC for her?
And your first paragraph is dead on. I truly believe very few Ss go out looking for an EA or PA. Heck, I can speak from experience as I've had a couple of EAs myself.....something I am ashamed of now. But in neither case did I go "Hmmm, maybe I will go find someone to be emotionally intimate with!" But when that started happening I did nothing to stop it. In happier times in my marriage, when the opportunity for an EA arose, I turned it down. So you are right to think that right now she is a ticking time-bomb for an EA or even a PA. So time is of the essence.
One thing I do want to challenge you on. I see you've claimed that you've tried everything in trying to improve. That is a dangerous attitude. We can ALWAYS improve. Self-improvement is not an item on a checklist that we check off. "Okay, done with that!" It is something we are constantly working. And another aspect is the motivation behind our self-improvement. If we are just self-improving to see if our spouse responds favorably, or to see if frequency of sex will go up, or for any other reason than wanting to be the best self we can be, well then we probably haven't really improved, have we?
So work on you......FOR YOU. Not for her. If she recognizes the positive changes and improves herself, great. But the goal should be to be the best ScottB you can be! Regardless of how others respond.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
so I was thinking, the one thing she continues to rail about is this emotional connection, she says we are not emotionally connected. This is one of the big things that she likes to talk about.
I wonder if she is recalling her EA and that period of limerace in that relationship and thinking that is emotional connection, that our connection should feel like the one she had in her EA?
Also, she is in IC. She had done that before and then took a break. She started that again a two months ago. She hasn’t gone since before Christmas so I’m not sure whether or not she plans to continue it as we don’t discuss it. In order to get her to start going again I began going a couple months back too. I just had a feeling that if i did it she would. I’ll admit i hate and don’t see the point really. Maybe I just don’t connect with my guy. I’ve used the divorce busting coaches in the past and I get a lot more from them. My current IC seems to want me to work on feeling my feelings, which is the same thing the MC seems to want.
so I was thinking, the one thing she continues to rail about is this emotional connection, she says we are not emotionally connected. This is one of the big things that she likes to talk about.
I wonder if she is recalling her EA and that period of limerace in that relationship and thinking that is emotional connection, that our connection should feel like the one she had in her EA?
Hi Scott I have the same from my H, who also had an EA but struggles to connect with me. My take is that he meant they just “get” each other, they feel good in each other’s company, she laughs at his jokes and strokes his ego, he gets a buzz out of helping her and teaching her stuff. In my case my H felt valued and respected and it breathed life into him after several years of bad SSM.
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Yes! That is where the emotional immaturity comes in to play. Not being able to understand that the feeling doesn't last forever. It's not realistic to think you and her will have that same connection right now. Could it happen? Sure if she put in the effort.
I was just ready to post on your thread to clarify that I don't necessarily mean your W is on the hunt for another A. What I meant more is they are addictive and are easy to fall into. In my group we all have each other's cells for group texts and stuff. One on my friends Ws was texting me about stuff for the kids and then the convo got sidetracked and the next thing you know she was asking me questions that was crossing the line so I put an end to it.
There are so many variables right now for you and you throw in possible depression and it's the perfect storm brewing. My ex had at least one EA and I'm thinking there was at least one more. She ended up filing for D to chase those butterfly feelings (her words).
Scotty B it all comes down to value. Her feelings won't change until she sees you as a person of value. How you accomplish that is the million dollar question. Unfortunately some people don't realize the value in something until that something is not available anymore.
So my wife just got the book Whole Again by Hackson MacKenzie, has anyone read it? If so thoughts? Interesting to note the guys first book was Psychopath Free, which I believe is about leaving your narcissist partner and how to deal with that. His follow up is recovering from toxic relationships.
Any thoughts on that?
It’s been a tough weekend in that I feel like I’m growing more resentful and angry. Working out sure helps andninneed to commit to doing that first thing every day to help.
We spent some great family time together as we went to a show together and took the kids. I’ve been reading the Art of Seduction but I’m not getting much from it other than if i had a style it’s probably “the take” and in general people like to be with happy fun interesting people, so I’m really going to try to have more fun. Next week I think I’m going to go explore the local jazz scene. I’ll invite her and if she goes great, if not that’s fine too.
This week NMMNG comes for me, so I’ll try to make quick work of that and see if I learn anything. Peace peeps.
Not good. Just looked up the book on Amazon. It’s about recovery from emotional abuse. If you have NGS traits you may have been passive aggressive, gas lighting, and giving the silent treatment. All forms of emotional abuse.
So last night we had a somewhat, almost constructive conversation. I asked what conversations we could have outside of MC to move things forward. She asked for my list of things that “were wrong with her.” I said intimacy and empathy. It was not that straight forward, the conversation started with soft start up. I mentioned that sometimes I feel like she hypocritical. This conversation stemmed from MC.
Anyhow, she wanted examples and I said i didn’t want to talk about it at home. She had really been pressing. I asked her for the same and she said that she feels i put myself ahead of her and the kids. She said she has been noticing it more and more and she needs to decide whether or not that is something she can live with. She said that in sex she feels used and she doesn’t like that I have pressured her for sex in the past.
It really [censored] to have to deal with this stuff at home and then after to go and deal with tough days at work; had a tough one today and had to leave and go for a drive. I feel like my baseline stress level givers around a 7 so pile a couple things on and I’m at my limit.
She asked about my day and I started to tell her about it. She seemed distracted and from my perspective didn’t seem to care. We then got interrupted by my son and she never circled back. I brought it up when we were going to bed. I asked her if she had noticed that I had a real tough day. She then told me how she had tried to ask but how I don’t tell her things, etc, etc, etc.
There was no “that [censored], sorry you had a tough day.” Just a bunch of defensive reasons as to how she was right which implied I was wrong.
Giving up is easier. Patience = long suffering.
Knowing I wasn’t going to fall asleep After laying there for 10 minutes I got up and went to the gym. She didn’t ask where I was going.
I guess I’ll read more books, it helps me be patient while I’m waiting.
