I was spending tonight at home alone cleaning the house, doing laundry, paused for some meditation. I felt pretty balanced and good all things considered.
And suddenly I started thinking about some things going on with S7 and just started bawling. I haven't cried in weeks. I haven't cried in pain like this since my nephew passed away several years ago.
S7 has been acting out more than usual lately. I spoke to a potential counselor today for him. S7 told me the other night that he wanted to have more family dinners, more dinners with both Mom and Dad together. I thought I heard him say "or even maybe a date."
I could tell when I spoke to him on the phone tonight he was down, and seemed to want to talk longer than usual.
I have a lot of big emotions about this and they all flooded up at the same time. He's just an innocent boy thrown in the middle of this tornado. My heart feels f**king broken. Worse than at any point during the last year, worse than at any point during the unraveling of my MR. It's not fair. I don't want this for him. I don't want this for any of my kids. I'm seeing the impact and I feel really upset and sad and angry and helpless and guilty and powerless. Upset that things came to this point. Sad that my kids have to suffer from our absurd and selfish adult dysfunction. Angry that my W didn't want to work on the MR. Angry that she blames me for it all, including S7's issues. Helpless about how this impacts the kids. Guilty for not doing enough myself to try to save things. Guilty for how I contributed to the MR problems. Powerless because I can't change the past. Powerless to protect him from having to deal with this heavy stuff.
I know ... let the emotions be, they will calm down. I'm being dramatic. I can read the above and point out all the exaggerations. Just be the best dad I can be, that's all I can do for them. Love them, protect them, guide them.
I'm sorry you had a rough night. I just want you to know the emotions you are experiencing are normal and can come on at anytime. The toughest part is knowing that your children are innocent bystanders in the process. Try to understand that you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time.
You have come a long way since you got to this board and you should be proud of your progress. Unfortunately this is a long process littered with ups and downs.
You're not being dramatic. These feelings need to be felt - fully - without avoidance or denial - so you make good decisions going forward and not decisions based on merely avoiding pain. You're on the right track.
Nope not being dramatic. It's hard to sit back and watch your kids lives get destroyed because one truly selfish person decides they are "done". Be the lighthouse get 50/50 and put him first always.
I feel for you so much. I don't have a lot to offer except that I can empathize so much with you and know how real those emotions are. You do need to feel them and not push them down. (I need to take my own advice on this too.)
Hugs.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Unchien - I'm sorry this has been tough for you. Nope not dramatic. Just human.
Those of us here with kids have at one time or another posted something similar. DV (and she is one of the most grounded and compassion people here) dedicated quite a lot of her earlier threads to the impact of her H leaving on her children. You will, if you go back through my earlier threads, find some similar posts in mine.
The only way I could help my kids through it was to not burden them with my sadness and to make sure they knew they were loved by both of us . I can't underplay how hard but necessary this was. I pretended to be happy when they left to spend the day with him. I would ask them each time what they did and get excited as they told me stories of how much fun they had as a family . I would smile, say "have a great time" and wave as they left to spend the day at a theme park. Once the door was shut I would sit on the sofa and think how much fun they were having without me. When they returned, I'd smile, ask them lots of questions and respond with "wow, that sounds amazing".
Your feelings are valid and should be felt and expressed. Express them here.
You are also right in thinking your children are impacted by what has happened. It is your job to minimise that impact. The family unit may be broken but they still have two parents. And as long as those parents continue to love them then they will come out the other side less scathed. If the other parent is still I crazy town and forgets that they are parents, then it is our job to make up the difference.
Focus not on what they have lost, but what remains. The love of two parents. That is worth something.
As an aside, over the course of the 6 months before BD and up to and including when he moved out, my H had been steadily distancing himself from the children. He was not only angry with me, he would yell and scream at them for no reason. Once he moved out something clicked and he refocused and really prioritised them. I am grateful for that. My kids will say the same.
I know ... let the emotions be, they will calm down. I'm being dramatic. I can read the above and point out all the exaggerations. Just be the best dad I can be, that's all I can do for them. Love them, protect them, guide them.
Not at all. Divorce is some heavy doo-doo for our kids to deal with. Parental protector instinct at play.
