what DB approaches are right for me?

[SteveLW]

Detachment is not avoiding him. It's letting him come to you. When he does you engage, listen and validate, and be pleased, upbeat, and content.

As far as his complaint about emotional connection. LOL That's typical WAS skewed logic. "I want a D. I need time and space. Oh and I need more emotional connection." ?!?!?!

Believe nothing he says. And half of what he does. He's likely using emotional connection as an excuse for what he's doing. Trust me, it's ALWAYS the LBS' fault.

[HesAble]

....You would think he would recognize that I support him through the ups and downs, but nope.

Detaching is my number one biggest challenge. I think I am on a roll with it, and then something like the other day happens, where he holds my kids hands with each of his hands on the sidewalk so I end up walking behind them. I think that's so rude, and I get so hurt and angry....and that makes it so much harder. Those feelings of constant rejection. I believe he gets his "love" from his kids. I love my kids, but I've been replaced by them in getting his emotional needs met.

And I see your point on words being words. I think he wants things easy and convenient....push me into filing, or force it to be a mutual thing so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy. He wants what he calls an "amicable divorce," IE me making it as easy and happy as possible, and as cheap as possible. He gets very upset at the idea that I would use a lawyer. He would like us to sit in front of the kids and tell them that it is both of our idea. That will not be happening. So he talks about it, but as far as I know has acted on nothing...

Sorry you are here, but it is a good place to vent and get support. I could have written the language quoted above. I have supported my husband through some very tough times (including infidelity, financial issues, and even him having been in trouble with the law) but he has clearly forgotten my loyalty. "Standing by my man" has gotten me nothing but a huge slap in the face.

My H also gets "love" from the kids. He is so affectionate to them, but sometimes will not even say a word to me or even look at me. We have been intimate a few times since the BD two months ago, but even that is different; it is like being intimate with a stranger almost.

My H is definitely trying to pressure me into agreeing to a divorce. He is tormenting me so that I have come very close to throwing in the towel, but folks here like job and sandi2 have talked me down "off the ledge." He has sent me information on "amicable divorces" by mutual agreement. I think he wants to tell family, friends, and business colleagues who have worked with both of us that we both decided to get a D. As mean as he is to me nowadays, he has a reputation in our town of being a "good guy." If we cannot reconcile and have to get a D, I will be (1) getting a lawyer and (2) making it clear that this was not my choice. I have made it clear to him that I absolutely do not want a D and I truly believe this is the reason he has been so angry, spent many nights away from home without letting me know where he is, shuts himself in the basement for the few hours he does spend at home, etc. He does not want to be seen by others as the bad guy, but shows me on a quite regular basis that he is truly indeed the "bad guy." I never knew he could be so mean-spirited. He also lacks compassion and empathy, and I actually do believe he is a narcissist now that I have read up on narcissistic tendencies. When he wanted me, he was so lovable and affectionate; now that he does not want me, he has tossed me to the side like a disposable dirty rag.

[HesAble]

The reason this is an important exercise, oceangrl, is that when we get BD'd we tend to suddenly think that our S was the most incredible person on the planet and that we could never ever live without them. I was the same way. After my BD suddenly I thought my W was the greatest woman ever. I would extol her virtues to anyone that would listen. The truth was that leading up to BD I was as unhappy, if not more so, than she was. When we get hit with the potential end of our MR, and all that entails (separation from their family, having to coparent, attending activities in our kids lives in the future with them there (and a potential OP), etc) then we start romanticizing how great our S and our MR was. Sometimes doing an exercise like this shows us that maybe they aren't as great as we've trumped them up to be in our imagination.

I definitely need to do this exercise. I have been romanticizing my H, knowing full well that I was so fed up with so much of what he was doing (or not doing) before the BD. I think he was probably surprised when I was actually saying that I did not want a D.

[shotgun]

Hi oceangrl,

I am so sorry to read your story. You have landed on a great support group here and will find a thousand caring friends. I read you trying to decipher the meaning of all the DB advice and apply it to your own situation with great hope of salvaging your family. Being a man who holds value in commitment and vows before God I hope it all works out for you. However...........Being a few years past the divorce and several past the BD I would like to inform you that there is an amazing world out here past the carnage you are currently experiencing. There has never been a better time to be a middle aged person in the free world and I for one am loving it.

I would encourage you no matter whether it is your intention of winning back your husband or some potentially incredible guy in the future to do the things you did back when you were single. Put a little differently than the recommendations of this site, use this moment to get back to the vibrant hottie you were when your future husband first noticed you. Number one get in the gym. Two pick up the hobbies and talents you enjoyed before you launched yourself into being the worlds greatest mom and wife and get back to being an amazing you. Lastly keep in mind that half of the single people in the world are men and some of us are looking for someone exactly like you.

I am not necessarily trying to make you think about life beyond your marriage but I assure you that there is one and it is amazing. This hot young lady you will get back to being will not only attract the delivery man but will also catch the eye of your husband. I am pulling for you always and will pray for you.

God Bless, Mark

[oceangrl]

Detachment is not avoiding him. It's letting him come to you. When he does you engage, listen and validate, and be pleased, upbeat, and content.

As far as his complaint about emotional connection. LOL That's typical WAS skewed logic. "I want a D. I need time and space. Oh and I need more emotional connection." ?!?!?!

Believe nothing he says. And half of what he does. He's likely using emotional connection as an excuse for what he's doing. Trust me, it's ALWAYS the LBS' fault.

This is exactly the clarity I needed. He did (shockingly) hold my hand for a minute at the mall yesterday. So I understand if he engages with me that's one thing, but I am not pursuing and reaching for him. That makes sense.

[oceangrl]

mark --

thank you for your encouraging words. It means a lot. And I am sorry for all you have had to go through in the past few years. I, of course, hope for my family to stay intact, but also greatly value the process of building myself back up to have a great future no matter what happens. I posted earlier that I really lost connection with myself, and I am enjoying getting to know myself again. And I am definitely going to be working on being in shape. I want to be strong in all different ways.

[oceangrl]

Sorry you are here, but it is a good place to vent and get support. I could have written the language quoted above. I have supported my husband through some very tough times (including infidelity, financial issues, and even him having been in trouble with the law) but he has clearly forgotten my loyalty. "Standing by my man" has gotten me nothing but a huge slap in the face.

My H also gets "love" from the kids. He is so affectionate to them, but sometimes will not even say a word to me or even look at me. We have been intimate a few times since the BD two months ago, but even that is different; it is like being intimate with a stranger almost.

My H is definitely trying to pressure me into agreeing to a divorce. He is tormenting me so that I have come very close to throwing in the towel, but folks here like job and sandi2 have talked me down "off the ledge." He has sent me information on "amicable divorces" by mutual agreement. I think he wants to tell family, friends, and business colleagues who have worked with both of us that we both decided to get a D. As mean as he is to me nowadays, he has a reputation in our town of being a "good guy." If we cannot reconcile and have to get a D, I will be (1) getting a lawyer and (2) making it clear that this was not my choice. I have made it clear to him that I absolutely do not want a D and I truly believe this is the reason he has been so angry, spent many nights away from home without letting me know where he is, shuts himself in the basement for the few hours he does spend at home, etc. He does not want to be seen by others as the bad guy, but shows me on a quite regular basis that he is truly indeed the "bad guy." I never knew he could be so mean-spirited. He also lacks compassion and empathy, and I actually do believe he is a narcissist now that I have read up on narcissistic tendencies. When he wanted me, he was so lovable and affectionate; now that he does not want me, he has tossed me to the side like a disposable dirty rag.

Yes, our stories seem so similar. What you are saying really resonates with me. This forum, in just a few days, has already become so valuable to me because I feel less crazy and I don't feel so alone anymore. It helped me to be happy last night and detach and appreciate myself. I felt so much more supported.

I agree that your and my husband would like to divorce with the least possible trouble and consequence. To just say, "we tried hard but just fell out of love and couldn't make it work. My husband will plan something in his head and then be angry when I have a different opinion or don't want to go along with it. Before, I would back down because I wanted to please him. I thought if I showed how easy going or nice I was it would make a difference and he would want me. As you can imagine, that never worked. Not once. I had to learn the hard way about boundaries and advocating for myself. And I do believe you need a lawyer. Not to be nasty, but to make sure you understand how the system can work, to advocate for your and your children's future. My husband honestly thinks we can get divorce but still be like best friends and hang out and talk. ??? While I don't have a desire to be bitter or play games, I would not want to be best friends. Sometimes I feel like I live on Planet Crazy and he is the mayor.

I agree also with the realization that we do romanticize our spouses, and forget that we were unhappy also. It's good to remember their good points and why we fell for them, but not to turn it into something unhealthy. That doesn't do either one of us any favors.

[HesAble]

My husband honestly thinks we can get divorce but still be like best friends and hang out and talk. ??? While I don't have a desire to be bitter or play games, I would not want to be best friends. Sometimes I feel like I live on Planet Crazy and he is the mayor.

My H thinks we can get a divorce and he can still stay in the basement. There is no way I could do that. I heard that a couple on some reality show did that and ended up reconciling, but in my view that would be way too stressful and painful.

[oceangrl]

My H thinks we can get a divorce and he can still stay in the basement. There is no way I could do that. I heard that a couple on some reality show did that and ended up reconciling, but in my view that would be way too stressful and painful.

Yes, I am learning to find out how to honor myself. I do not think I could do the same thing either. How do you grieve and heal and move forward like that? Yuck. Especially if he started dating or something. So awkward. I think the only way you could do that is if you both had zero feelings for each other (not even anger or sadness). I am definitely not there.

[Pommy99]

I ABSOLUTELY know that I had rose colored glasses on at the beginning of this. He was the perfect guy (gag) and I made excuse after excuse for his behavior. I chased and pursued, begged and pleaded, tried to convince, basically everything you are not supposed to do. The lenses on those glasses have definitely finally cracked with the realities I am seeing. The selfishness, the prioities, etc. I am last on the list. He complains he does not feel connected to me and doesn't feel passionate feelings for me. Well A., I am not an affair and cannot compare with that. B. he is getting out what he has put into this.

At times I feel angry and done with his selfish behavior and think, "fine, go on and get out of here if you are so sure you can do better than me." Then at other times I think 20+ years and three kids, and I believe we could create something joyful.

Oceangirl I could have written this myself. In fact I see myself in most of your posts! I too am wearing rose-tinted specs about how great he is, because for much of our M I have been number 3/4/5 on his list behind his ego, his car, his job etc. But like you, I do feel we could have something great again, but maybe that’s just a fantasy, as much as his ‘get D but be best friends’ fantasy is!

I feel the same about how he interacts with the kids, is it right to feel almost jealous when he tells them he loves and misses them? And now I’ve seen the “I love you” txt to the EAP I am even more hurt at how easy it is to say ILY to others but obvs not to me.

Like you, I am struggling with the concept of detachment when his issue is being unable to connect with me. I’m trying to memorise Steve’s comments that it’s about being attentive and validating when he speaks, but not to go to him. Nighttime is hardest for me because for the last year we have always gone to bed with cuddles, kisses, holding hands in the night, and now it’s stopped. It wasn’t necessarily me who initiated it either.

I’m also trying to acknowledge that detachment will be healthier in the long run regardless of outcome of the R.

Keep strong! X