Newlywed and in crisis

[funbun]

Update

Several things have happened, we are living separately for the time being.

What has lead to that?

Well we were staying at my parent's house over the weekend. On friday, W expressed that she was feeling sad. I didn't know what to reply to that without going into R talk and making it worse, so I just said "okay" and didn't pursue it further. It was the best that I could do.

At the house we both kept to ourselves. I was detaching as normal. She was feeling down and awkward in the house because my family knew about our situation and she was too afraid to talk to them about it. Basically, she was still frustrated with the fact that I told my family on my own without her and now she feels awkward to talk to them. We basically ended up talking about it and then that let to R talk. She mentioned that she doesn't love me, doesn't want to continue to be married to me, doesn't want my kids. I was triggered and went with the "what your doing is sinful" argument (bad mistake on my part). We argued for a while and at the end she asked to be sent home. Her parents came by and picked her up to stay with them.

So currently, I am staying at my parents' and she is staying with hers. I do not know for how long. After that argument, I needed time to heal and contemplate.

Thinking back, I got the feeling that she was feeling down and awkward around the house and dropped hints that she wanted me to be more accommodating. At the time I was oblivious to this of course. I was too preoccupied with detaching and giving her space. It doesn't make sense to me. After everything hurtful she that she said to me, how does she expect me to still be nice to her?

[funbun]

Dear Comrades, I need advice.

As you all know, I am DB-ing (detaching and GAL) and in a sense stalling for time in the hopes that W will come to her senses and return.

However, it is difficult when W asked "So what now? When are you going to let me go?". She has asked that repeatedly, and every time my answer would be "I cannot say, I am still thinking and I am waiting for an answer/sign" (stalling).

I get the sense that she is getting increasingly frustrated and impatient. She wants this to be over with.

What's the best thing I should say when she asks the same question again? Should I continue to stall? Should I validate?

[sandi2]

To be completely honest, I think she might have been talked into getting married. Maybe by her family or friends, but something or someone convinced her that getting married would make her happy. I've seen girls who were in love with the idea of being in love. They get emotionally caught up the wedding plans, showers, etc. I've known some who nearly had a nervous breakdown from the all the emotional pressure and trying to please everyone.

I actually know two cases in real life, where the groom woke up the day after the wedding to discover he was married to a stranger. The bride, in both cases, were the complete opposite from who they pretended before the wedding. It was very, very strange, and nobody ever knew what came over these girls. Within a couple of weeks, they had filed for divorce.

This is just my opinion, but since you have no children and she continues to tell you she wants to be single again, I would suggest you move on. This is not a common case. It is not normal. She does not love you, and her own parents said she was selfish or childish. Doing more housework will not cause her to feel sexually attracted or fall in love with you. Life is too short to try to make someone love you that told your four days after the wedding she wanted to be single again.

[funbun]

Ouch. That was rather hard for me to read Sandi. However, maybe you are right. I’ll contemplate on it further.

Recently, her family advised me to be patient and try to do things to gently win her back. They suggested texting her from time to time, initiating conversation. Basically, since I am the “sane” one and also since I am a man, I should be the one apologizing first and try to gently win her back. “Women like to be charmed and treated like a princess” they said.

Sounds like persuading and chasing to me, which to my understanding is something I shouldn’t do when detaching..? Or should I try it and see what happens?

[SteveLW]

Fun, if you want to see her sprint the other direction... Go ahead and try.

People think wooing is how you win someone back. And that's because that's how you win someone to begin with. Problem is that you and your W have a lot of history together. So what you would do when getting to know her to win her won't work.

DBing is counterintuitive..... But that's where the magic is. No one expects you to back off and give her time and space. Including her! When you do she'll wonder why you aren't behaving as expected. And I can tell you from experience because that's what worked with my W. She was as far gone as a WAS ever was. But after 2 days of doing what she expected (begging, pleading, reasoning, pursuing) I remembered DBi ng, backed way off, and that made her wonder what was going on.

So if you're going to try something, double down on DBing. Back way off, give her time and space. GAL like a madman. Continue to 180 and improve yourself. And work on detachment.

[AlisonUK]

Recently, her family advised me to be patient and try to do things to gently win her back. They suggested texting her from time to time, initiating conversation. Basically, since I am the “sane” one and also since I am a man, I should be the one apologizing first and try to gently win her back. “Women like to be charmed and treated like a princess” they said.

Sounds like persuading and chasing to me, which to my understanding is something I shouldn’t do when detaching..? Or should I try it and see what happens?

I think this is terrible advice. If she's been talked into marrying you, or fell in love with the idea of marriage, then she's not an emotionally mature adult woman. If she's described by her own parents as childish and selfish, then she has probably got way, in part, because they've treated her like a little princess instead of expecting her to take responsibility for her own decisions and the consequences of them, as is appropriate for adults. The fact you're both staying with your parents instead of having your own places, or arranging your own alternative living spaces if it is needed is another sign emotional immaturity is involved.

The mature, adult and respectful thing to do is to respect what she says - she doesn't want to be married. You don't need to 'let her go' - she's gone. What she does here on out, including seeking a divorce - is down to her and within her power. You get on with GAL, working on yourself and your own maturity, and you leave her be. A mature man doesn't find a pouting woman who needs to be cajoled into a relationship remotely attractive.

[funbun]

Thank you Steve and Alison. My thoughts exactly: detachment is still the way to go and chasing after her is a bad idea.

A question,

I noticed W took off her wedding ring and has never worn it ever since the BD. I still wear mine occasionally, should I keep it on? Or does it send the wrong signal to W? W does notice I am still wearing it. Wondering what’s the general consensus here on keeping the ring on when DB-ing.

[AlisonUK]

I always kept my ring on. H took his off sometimes and put it on at other times: I think it depended on his mood. I tried not to look, to check, to let it affect me but it was hard. I doubt, in our case, my wearing my ring or not would have made any difference to how he felt or acted, but I'd decided I wanted to act as if I was married in terms of my relationships and boundaries with other men so long as I was legally married, and my ring reminded me of that. It mattered to me. I think you should go with your own values in this area.

Also - a question. When she asks 'when are you going to let me go?' what is it you thinks she means? Does she want you to arrange a divorce for her and take care of all the financial stuff? In which case, I would let her handle all that herself given she wants it, but don't do anything to sabotage her or stand in her way. If she means 'give me space' or 'stop acting like we're a couple' then I think you have to respect that, 100%, from today.

[SteveLW]

Thank you Steve and Alison. My thoughts exactly: detachment is still the way to go and chasing after her is a bad idea.

A question,

I noticed W took off her wedding ring and has never worn it ever since the BD. I still wear mine occasionally, should I keep it on? Or does it send the wrong signal to W? W does notice I am still wearing it. Wondering what’s the general consensus here on keeping the ring on when DB-ing.

I believe that as long as you are married, you wear your ring. Regardless of what the WAS does. I have lots of reasons for this, and will be glad to share them if you are interested.

Note, not everyone here agrees. So there is no consensus on this. For me it boils down to personal integrity. And you should never give up your personal integrity just because she has.

[funbun]

Also - a question. When she asks 'when are you going to let me go?' what is it you thinks she means? Does she want you to arrange a divorce for her and take care of all the financial stuff? In which case, I would let her handle all that herself given she wants it, but don't do anything to sabotage her or stand in her way. If she means 'give me space' or 'stop acting like we're a couple' then I think you have to respect that, 100%, from today.

The divorce process is different here in my country. It follows the Islamic ruling where the husband holds a lot of say in terms of breaking of the marriage. Basically, wives cannot request for a divorce unless they have a valid reason (husband is abusive/not fulfilling his obligations, etc). However, there is a rule where wives can ask for a divorce by paying some sort of compensation to the husband (typically they have to return back the dowry).

When W asks "when are you going to let me go?" basically she wants me to give my permission for a divorce to the court.

I love my wife dearly and I hate to see her be miserable in this marriage. However, I still believe in saving this marriage and hence I am not willing to give the permission for a divorce... but when the time comes.. I will let her go.

We are living separately right now so she has all the space she needs. We haven't been contacting with each other. I am just waiting I guess.

I believe that as long as you are married, you wear your ring. Regardless of what the WAS does. I have lots of reasons for this, and will be glad to share them if you are interested.

Thank you Steve, if you can share the reasons that would be great.