what DB approaches are right for me?

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Oceangirl,

nice name. I enjoy taking my boat to the ocean and fishing, beaching, grilling on islands, but all my family is far from it. But that's in Florida, and California boating and water is different.

His effort is pathetic. The pressure you are applying is probably not helping. It'd be better if he saw your butt happily walking out the day a few days a week to go do something fun with your life... The person cheating or walking away is always using "happiness" to justify breaking their vows and I can't help but laugh. Perhaps marriage was not for them because it requires people to give that up sometimes to meet their commitment. I think sacrifice like that is what we call "love".

I love that you know about the cheeseless tunnels analogy and how it applies to your sitch. In a happy, healthy R you would be fine being open with him. Unfortunately that's not where you are. His big complaint about no emotional connection is something that you can't 180 on right now. It would require his commitment to your marriage.

As for your GAL, I think getting stronger sounds great. I think you may need more than that too though. You have a lot of opportunity for outdoor GAL in your AO. I was there in the spring and was thoroughly amazed by the mild weather and number of activities available. Mountains, beaches, hiking, sports, what do you enjoy?

I post about the same thing to most new people:

1. Detachment means not letting what he says or does affect your mood.
2. GAL
3. 180's/Self Improvement
4. Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

Good luck!

[oceangrl]

I ABSOLUTELY know that I had rose colored glasses on at the beginning of this. He was the perfect guy (gag) and I made excuse after excuse for his behavior. I chased and pursued, begged and pleaded, tried to convince, basically everything you are not supposed to do. The lenses on those glasses have definitely finally cracked with the realities I am seeing. The selfishness, the prioities, etc. I am last on the list. He complains he does not feel connected to me and doesn't feel passionate feelings for me. Well A., I am not an affair and cannot compare with that. B. he is getting out what he has put into this.

At times I feel angry and done with his selfish behavior and think, "fine, go on and get out of here if you are so sure you can do better than me." Then at other times I think 20+ years and three kids, and I believe we could create something joyful.

Oceangirl I could have written this myself. In fact I see myself in most of your posts! I too am wearing rose-tinted specs about how great he is, because for much of our M I have been number 3/4/5 on his list behind his ego, his car, his job etc. But like you, I do feel we could have something great again, but maybe that’s just a fantasy, as much as his ‘get D but be best friends’ fantasy is!

I feel the same about how he interacts with the kids, is it right to feel almost jealous when he tells them he loves and misses them? And now I’ve seen the “I love you” txt to the EAP I am even more hurt at how easy it is to say ILY to others but obvs not to me.

Like you, I am struggling with the concept of detachment when his issue is being unable to connect with me. I’m trying to memorise Steve’s comments that it’s about being attentive and validating when he speaks, but not to go to him. Nighttime is hardest for me because for the last year we have always gone to bed with cuddles, kisses, holding hands in the night, and now it’s stopped. It wasn’t necessarily me who initiated it either.

I’m also trying to acknowledge that detachment will be healthier in the long run regardless of outcome of the R.

Keep strong! X

Yes, it is incredibly hard to fight those rejection/jealous feelings. My husband is not in an A any longer, but I still have the memory of all their photos and sappy emails to each other.

I was seriously torturing myself for awhile with the absolute rejection and loneliness of having him show the affection I craved so badly right in front of me to my kids. What has helped me, is to stop myself in those thoughts right away. Otherwise, I head down a dark tunnel of discouragement that affects my ability to be my best self in front of him. i had to recognize that I was giving it way too much power over my life.

I had a therapist once say to me, "if you took your power back, if all that energy was focused on you, what would you do with it?" So I started thinking, what would I do with my time if I weren't focusing on him? Because I have been doing that too much, and that's when I feel the worst.

So when he does that I still am laughing, have a big smile on my face, if they are walking in front of me I still try to put a confident spring in my step, and I also think to myself how sad it is. That it's about him not me.

I think to myself, he may not choose me, but I choose me. I'm awesome. I'm smart, beautiful, funny, I have great people in my life. And that makes the mental difference for me. Otherwise, I start feeling more and more desperate and want to revert to my pursuing and pressure ways.

[oceangrl]

ovrrnbw, I am from Florida!!! I grew up there, so I love the ocean. Yes, California water life is WAY different. But you are correct, I am trying to get out. I like the fact you can hike here, so I am finding places to go.

It's hard for me, because I am trying not to pursue. I am trying detachment. It just sometimes seems to feel like crazy logic -- like if he says he wants a connection, why wouldn't I try to hold his hand, etc. But nothing makes sense in this world anymore.

I am just trying to hard to keep standing back up. When I feel like I am knocked over, I keep doing my best to get back up. For me.

[kas99]

Our stories are a lot alike except my H moved out. 28 year marriage, 3 kids, pursue/chase dynamic, lack of empathy, compassion, etc. He never filed and I thought it meant I had a chance until my 19 year old son found out about the OW (H doesn't know). That was enough for me since he'd already left me. With my kids blessing I filed for D the very next day.

I am in need of hope.

There is always hope problem is it will most likely happen after you've moved on.

[oceangrl]

I have been reading quite a bit on the MLC board. It sounds so familiar, the gym, the new wardrobe and hair, the diet, the sports car. It's like a walking cliché. The funny thing is he had me style him as he trusts my style. I was so naive then!

I have of course read DR many times already. I am now reading Dr. James Dobson's book about how love must be tough. It is so interesting how he also advocates the detachment/LRT philosophy. It is so hard to do it --even if it makes sense on some level -- because it goes against our human instinct. Everything inside me will scream, "what are you doing!" But everything else I've done hasn't worked. I really sadly suppose I have nothing else to lose.

And there is a part of me that has lost so much respect for him that I don't want him back. Is that normal?

[unchien]

And there is a part of me that has lost so much respect for him that I don't want him back. Is that normal?

I think it is normal for our feelings to vacillate and loss of respect is one of those feelings that ebbs and flows. Long-term I think feeling disrespected can turn into resentment and anger -- which demonstrates a lack of detachment. It's definitely a Zen mind-trick to be able to withstand the emotional blows while having empathy for the other person, but it's a goal worth pursuing (IMO).

I had a therapist once say to me, "if you took your power back, if all that energy was focused on you, what would you do with it?" So I started thinking, what would I do with my time if I weren't focusing on him? Because I have been doing that too much, and that's when I feel the worst.

This is great advice. For all of us.

[wooba]

I had a therapist once say to me, "if you took your power back, if all that energy was focused on you, what would you do with it?" So I started thinking, what would I do with my time if I weren't focusing on him? Because I have been doing that too much, and that's when I feel the worst.

That’s that DB is all about!! Focus on YOU...and what you can do to make yourself a better person.

I’m awesome. I'm smart, beautiful, funny, I have great people in my life. And that makes the mental difference for me. Otherwise, I start feeling more and more desperate and want to revert to my pursuing and pressure ways.

That is exactly right!! You are on the right track of not beating yourself down because of what has transpired between you and your H. Keep up the positivity and focusing within yourself.

[oceangrl]

I think it is normal for our feelings to vacillate and loss of respect is one of those feelings that ebbs and flows. Long-term I think feeling disrespected can turn into resentment and anger -- which demonstrates a lack of detachment. It's definitely a Zen mind-trick to be able to withstand the emotional blows while having empathy for the other person, but it's a goal worth pursuing (IMO).

Zen mind-trick for sure. I am working on it, even though my instinct is like, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" It feels like I am sending the message that I don't care about him and I am fine with him leaving. Is that the message though? Or is it just, I am fine no matter what?

[oceangrl]

I had a therapist once say to me, "if you took your power back, if all that energy was focused on you, what would you do with it?" So I started thinking, what would I do with my time if I weren't focusing on him? Because I have been doing that too much, and that's when I feel the worst.

That’s that DB is all about!! Focus on YOU...and what you can do to make yourself a better person.

I’m awesome. I'm smart, beautiful, funny, I have great people in my life. And that makes the mental difference for me. Otherwise, I start feeling more and more desperate and want to revert to my pursuing and pressure ways.

That is exactly right!! You are on the right track of not beating yourself down because of what has transpired between you and your H. Keep up the positivity and focusing within yourself.

It's a little sad to think of it, but yes, I am learning how to stop beating myself up and accepting so much blame. It's funny, because I can see it on someone else's post clearly, but not so much in my own life!

[Ready2Change]

Outside links are not allowed, i.e., whether the link is scrambled with letters or numbers to allow posters to view.