No pushback, just silence. No response to my solicitor as yet regarding the consent orders and no response to my email regarding his request to change the parenting plan. I'm resigned to whatever response eventually comes. Expecting the worst and will just deal with it.
I have been unwell since the conversation with H last weekend and I believe it is psychosomatic; a physical release of the toxicity I had been holding inside. Only today am I feeling brighter and healthier after a long week of days and nights spent on the toilet.
Without anger and adrenaline pushing me forward, I pretty much crashed physically. 10-12 hour sleeps every night after weeks of insomnia.
I'm not standing for my marriage. I have shut the door and padlocked it and thrown it away. This doesn't give me any satisfaction. In fact, it makes me feel sad all over again. But the marriage that I want and deserve just isn't possible with H. It has nothing to do with his choices, actions, mistakes etc, but his character. There are fundamental differences in our values and beliefs that can't ever be reconciled.
If H displayed any acknowledgement, introspection, ownership, acceptance, regret, remorse, or basic human decency for his choices - as I have shown him in spades over the past seven months to atone for my marital 'sins' - then I might have kept the key in my pocket instead of throwing it away. Gerda was absolutely right in saying it is pointless to try and dialogue with him. Not because he is in a fog, or hurting, or confused, but because THIS IS WHO HE IS at his core, and he has shown no willingness to examine HIS contribution to the marriage failure.
I know many of you were married for much longer than I was before your spouses cheated and left you. I assume (I hope) you had long and happy marriages before they turned around and stabbed you in the heart. I only knew H for 10 years, together 8, married 3. In that time, he never performed the emotional labour required to maintain a relationship. Our over-functioning (me)/under-functioning (him) dynamic allowed him to coast along on the back of my efforts in every area of our shared life. It was toxic and harmful to both of us, and built resentment on both sides.
The truth is, I was probably more unhappy in the marriage than he was. He wasn’t a helpful or proactive parent, he was simultaneously reckless and controlling with finances, he refused to communicate constructively, he had to be dragged off his computer to spend time with me, he made it clear that home life was of secondary importance to work life, he was confused and repulsed by my frantic postnatal helplessness. It has become clear to me that I have never been his #1 priority at any point in our relationship.
How did I handle this? I asked for marriage counselling. I went to individual counselling because the frustration, anxiety, and helplessness I felt at being abandoned within my marriage must be my fault and my problem. I planned family outings for us to make memories and share the load. I made opportunities for H and S1 to spend time together alone. I shouldered the bulk of the parenting so H could have down time with his friends. I had cookies delivered to his workplace when he had a bad day. I scheduled sex even though I was too exhausted and resentful to desire him.
I dealt with my unhappiness by trying to make the marriage work. I vowed for good or bad and when things felt bad I decided that since we had committed to each other for life, so I'd better find a way to turn things around so that we could both be happy and provide a safe, loving, and stable home for our child. I had empathy for H at first, thinking he was experiencing his own delayed postnatal crisis, depression, work stress, or whatever. My love for him actually grew after BD.
He dealt with his unhappiness by cheating on me. Cheating is abuse, and there I draw the line. I will not teach my son that love is inclusive of betrayal, deception, and abandonment. I would argue that 'love' and 'walking away from your children' are mutually exclusive.
The bulk of our marital problems were caused my decision to marry a man who did not care for the responsibility of being a husband, a father, or part of a family. Because that responsibility impinged his divine right to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.
Lest you think I am bitter (and I have every right to be, btw), let me say that H did not make zero effort. He booked me a massage once a month. Brought me flowers every now and then. Cleaned the house on his day off. I returned every gesture with love and appreciation. He was not and is not a complete @sshole. I think he did love me to the best of his emotional capabilities until he replaced me with OW in his mind, and then in reality. He simply can't give me what I need, and it seems that I can't give him what he needs either.
I hope he finds whatever he's looking for. I even hope OW gives it to him. But I am freeing myself and my son.
Scout, you are wise beyond your years and experience. So much of what you wrote is something I could have written. I applaud you for standing up for yourself and your son and recognizing that you deserve so much more than this. I wish I had the strength and the courage to do it 10 years ago. But in truth, like you, I see things even before then that showed me I deserved better.
Whenever I feel wobbly, I do remember that. OD is the one who is missing out. OD is the one who will have the life-long regret. As it concerns me and the children, I will always have a bit of a broken heart, but I'm guessing that is nothing by comparison. At least I don't have to live with the fact that I broke three of them for my own selfish and ultimately pointless endeavors.
Leaving this cleanly with as much compassion as you can muster will make the next 17 years a lot more pleasant for you and your son.
Scout, I agree w/OwnIt...you are definitely wise beyond your years and experience. You have to do what you think I right for you and your child. Do you sound bitter? No, you do not. You sound like a woman who has tried very hard to keep her marriage together and your partner wasn't in the marriage/relationship 100%.
Hopefully he will come forward and respond to your solicitor and things can begin to move along at a better pace for you. Once the divorce is finalized, you will feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders and it will take a little bit of time, but you will much better and can begin to really look forward and not in the rear view mirror.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Echoing Ownit and Job in saying that your post speaks of wisdom beyond your years.
I'm sorry too to hear you've been unwell but glad you're better and back on the forum.
A lot of your commentary again showed the similar values and principles we share. I laughed when you commented on my thread we both have a thing for over preparation!
It seems that you've well and truly moved forward, and I appreciate you sharing with us here the thoughts and feelings you have behind that transformation.
Do you think this process has hardened your heart?
When I saw a psychic I was told 2 things that stuck with me - BD was a blessing in disguise, and, rather than XW changing to the person she is now, this is what she truly is. I think the same comments apply to your sitch too.
Can I say as well I think you went above and beyond in what you did for H and in y our efforts to repair things. I too dont think you sound bitter. It sounds just like you've stepped back and reflected on all the pros and cons of H and the M and made an evaluation that H and M had unfixable flaws that were outside of your control to mend, depsite your efforts.
Anyway, what GAL activities have you and S got planned, and have you done any recent home decoration stuff (apart from remodelling the dunny with all the time you spent there recently haha)?
Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Girl, you were smart enough to be able to see that things were wrong with your H that no amount of DBing were going to fix. I still think that if you read that book The Sociopath Next Door, you would see a lot of him in it. Personality disorders and serious character defects are not very fixable.
You're right to just move yourself along into a new life with your son. Just because it's not the destination you were expecting, doesn't mean it will be worse. More likely it will become WAY better and a MUCH better love is waiting for you down the line. Have peace in your heart that you made the right attempts to save your marriage, but this one is one that shouldn't be saved (and I almost NEVER say that to people!).
Gerda was absolutely right in saying it is pointless to try and dialogue with him. Not because he is in a fog, or hurting, or confused, but because THIS IS WHO HE IS at his core, and he has shown no willingness to examine HIS contribution to the marriage failure.
Scout, I just want to comment on your quotin' me since I know that a lot of people read these things long after posters move off from the forum and I think we need to make sure that we all have left the right breadcrumbs in the dark MLC forest.
I do believe it is pointless to dialogue with the MLCer. I wish I had understood that long before, and I keep looking for ways to say it in a way that a new LBS will be able to understand, because it takes most of us so long to get to that point. I understand now that it is the only way to stay sane, because you train yourself to stop hearing the lies and to focus on your own life by having no contact or as little contact as possible.
But I say that in the service of restoration.
I am not commenting on your choice to divorce and would not dare weigh in on that.
But I wanted to be clear that I wrote that as a way to offer a tip for someone who does want to stand. I never understood what dropping the rope and going no contact really meant, all these years. I thought I was letting go, and I most certainly did build a life for myself during my H's MLC. But I continued to engage with far too much of his insanity even though compared to a marriage, I rarely engaged him at all. It was hard because we had a business together and lived together. But I didn't set the right boundaries. I never understood that a loving boundary actually is as much no contact as is possible within whatever your circumstances are. I always thought I had to keep being loving and open as a way of showing him the door was open. Now I know he can't even see that there is a door there. If he ever comes out of MLC, he will see the door, whether it's open or shut. And even if it's shut, a truly woken-up MLCer will knock on it. So there is no point in standing near the door, watching the door, painting the door yellow or boarding up the door. The MLCer can't see the door or you behind it.
But for those who want to stand, to outlast the MLC, I just want to say that no contact, an end to engagement, is loving too.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Do you think this process has hardened your heart?
Good question. No, not at all. I'm definitely feeling beaten down and weary, but not hardened. Having boundaries about what I will and won't accept doesn't mean I have a hard heart. It means I have enough love, respect and care for myself to remove myself from a bad situation. Unfortunately I failed at that yesterday morning and had this unpleasant encounter with H.
He was late for his morning visitation which makes me late for work. Once again he failed to inform me that he would be late. He accused me of "blocking him on everything" so he can't contact me. Untrue, he can reach me via email, phone or text. He then switched tack to say that I never respond to him so why should he send me a message? Untrue again, I respond to things requiring a response. He brought up his request to change the parenting plan and argued a few points that he didn't like. I said you need to work with me to do what's best for S1 and respect the coparenting relationship if this is ever going to succeed. He said that I haven't shown him any respect so why should he? My jaw dropped at that one.
He said I didn't have the decency to reply to his message about his grandmother's death. He accused me of going behind his back to send his mother a message in sympathy. I told him I don't have anything to say to him unless it's about childcare or divorce. He told me I caused this (!) so I said no, he needs to own his decisions and the consequences thereof. He retorted "I left my family because you are a crazy psycho b!tch spreading rumours about me". I think he was referring to an article about adultery that I shared on FB. He's blocked but I guess it got back to him, most likely via his family.
He started laughing and said "You want to hit me, don't you? Look at you." I admit I was shaking like a leaf trying to hold it together, not particularly angry, just overwhelmed. He kept taunting me. I should mention that I was holding S1 the whole time.
Eventually he came toward me demanding I hand S1 over because I was stealing his time from him. He haughtily informed me that the reason he drops S1 off late is because he has to make the most of every minute with him. I snapped back "Oh, so that's why you cancelled on Christmas Eve and NYE?" Not my finest moment and I should have just stopped engaging with this argument, but it was true nonetheless. I told him it was his choice to spend these holiday moments with someone else instead of his son.
Things took a turn into bizarro land when he demanded I pay him the settlement money. I said I'm trying to - just sign the consent orders and you'll get your money. He claimed that he never received them. However I was bcc'ed onto the email my L sent him in December, so I know for a fact he got them. I just said okay, I'll get her to resend. He mocked me for having "such a great lawyer who doesn't know what she's doing". He then switched tack and said he would refuse to sign and force me to sell the house instead. I didn't respond to that, mainly because I was speechless from these brazen lies and attacks and abrupt topic changes
After he left with S1, my mind was struggling to process what had just happened. His demeanour was so unstable, alternating between rage, smirking, threats, self-pity. I was frightened. It was crazy to witness the manipulation at work, but I can see it for what it was - panic and desperation at his web of lies falling apart. Blameshifting to avoid responsibility. Gaslighting to make me question my own integrity. Intimidation at coming up against my boundaries. Sad, sad, sad. I have to try harder to avoid situations where I get drawn into these conversations.
Yeah - now that you have a clear idea of how sick he is, it would be best to steer clear of all unnecessary conversations, no matter how hard he tries to sucker you in. (Btw, this just sounds like someone who is spinning because he can't control the situation, but do you suspect him of any drug abuse?)
And what happened to just taking the baby to daycare if he hasn't arrived by the time he needs to be there? It's the only way to train him to be on time.
(Btw, this just sounds like someone who is spinning because he can't control the situation, but do you suspect him of any drug abuse?)
I really don't know about any drug abuse. I know he parties with a younger crew, so it's possible.
Originally Posted by kml
And what happened to just taking the baby to daycare if he hasn't arrived by the time he needs to be there? It's the only way to train him to be on time.
I was pulling out of the garage to go to daycare when he pulled up on the driveway and blocked my car in.
I’m so sorry you endured this. What an awful man he is. Truly. You had your baby son in your arms and he conducted himself that way!
Have you looked into dv protection orders? I worry for you that next time he’ll escalate. Don’t put yourself in that position. Nows the time to seriously reconsider changeover arrangements. These awful things can implant on the subconscious minds of children.
Please protect yourself and your son against the possibility of things getting worse in future.
Stay strong scout
Ds
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
