Keeping my emotions in check seems to be the hardest at the moment.
In my panic when this first happened just over a week ago i begged for MC. As I said she has now agreed but only to help me come to terms with what is happening. The advice so far is to not have MC. I am a bit stuck on what to do here.
Please consider following it all. ESPECIALLY the moving back into the MBR. Women's attraction follows respect. If your W doesn't respect you then it is nearly impossible for her to be attracted to you. Take back the MBR. She may hate you for it, but she will respect you.
Read DR. Read all of cadet's links. Learn, implement, grow and change.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Keeping my emotions in check seems to be the hardest at the moment.
Mindfulness and meditation has helped me a lot - you might want to consider checking out some meditation apps. They help you to stay present, in the current moment.
Your emotions are going to be all over the place, for a long time. You have to figure out what works best for you for dealing with them. Given that W is mentally checked out of the R right now, I would advise against showing any emotions in front of her. Practice not reacting when she says something to you, just listen to the words, not how they are spoken.
Also - the validation thread that Cadet posted to you is a golden one. Read it backwards and forwards. Sandy's rules also.
Originally Posted by BudVegas
In my panic when this first happened just over a week ago i begged for MC. As I said she has now agreed but only to help me come to terms with what is happening. The advice so far is to not have MC. I am a bit stuck on what to do here.
Some people here have differing opinions on MC. I'll give you mine - but ultimately it is up to you to decide what you want to do.
I decided I was not interested in attending MC with someone who did not want to work on the R. It was a self-protection thing - I did not need to hear all the confusing and hurtful things that W was thinking, and especially in front of a MC who had no clue what our lives were about prior to BD. I did not need a third party commenting on our personal lives when I knew that W was on her way out the door.
Now, if W had decided that she wanted to seriously work on the R, that would have been a different story.
Again, it is your choice. That's just my take on it.
Bud, I did the MC thing. At first it was just my W agreeing so she could check it off the list things we tried. In my case, working with the C, it turned more into IC for me with my W present. Which I think helped my sitch because she could see that the 180s I was implementing were getting cemented in therapy. When she decided she was going to recommit to the marriage, it turned into more traditional MC. That was due to the flexibility of the C. If you do go through with MC do not settle for a less than ideal C.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks AnotherStander. I will give all these a go. I am not sure it will be wise to move back into the main bedroom.
Did you read the part where I said you wouldn't like our advice because it's counter-intuitive and goes against what your heart is telling you? Yeah. You can follow your heart and make things much worse. Or you can start making the hard choices to DB and increase your chances of a future recon.
Bud, I did the MC thing. At first it was just my W agreeing so she could check it off the list things we tried. In my case, working with the C, it turned more into IC for me with my W present. Which I think helped my sitch because she could see that the 180s I was implementing were getting cemented in therapy. When she decided she was going to recommit to the marriage, it turned into more traditional MC. That was due to the flexibility of the C. If you do go through with MC do not settle for a less than ideal C.
Thanks Steve85. How are things with your relationship now? My wife is just going to help me to come to terms with it but my inital reason was to go to try and fix or talk about it (I know is this is wrong)
What are the 180s?
Did you also do the DBing techniques that everyone has advised?
Lots of really good advice. Just want to make sure I do the right thing.
Bud, I did the MC thing. At first it was just my W agreeing so she could check it off the list things we tried. In my case, working with the C, it turned more into IC for me with my W present. Which I think helped my sitch because she could see that the 180s I was implementing were getting cemented in therapy. When she decided she was going to recommit to the marriage, it turned into more traditional MC. That was due to the flexibility of the C. If you do go through with MC do not settle for a less than ideal C.
Thanks Steve85. How are things with your relationship now? My wife is just going to help me to come to terms with it but my inital reason was to go to try and fix or talk about it (I know is this is wrong)
What are the 180s?
Did you also do the DBing techniques that everyone has advised?
Lots of really good advice. Just want to make sure I do the right thing.
My R is in reconciling and piecing, and has been for almost 2 years (she recommitted to the marriage in March of 2018.)
Stop initiating all R talks. If she initiates one then listen and validate.
180s are reversing course on bad behavior. In sitch I had isolated myself from years. We were two individuals living in the same house. I started to reengage in the home dynamic. I was bitter, angry and resentful. I became someone that was pleased, upbeat, happy and cheerful. I pouted and used passive-aggressive behavior when I didn't get my way. I became someone that remained even if I didn't get my way. (Look up NIce Guy Sydrome.) Anything you do that is negative and destructive, 180 on that! And note, even thought I had isolated myself prior to BD doesn't mean I shouldn't have been detached and GAL. Detachment is not isolation. GAL just means you are busy. Lots of LBSs get tied up on this and think "I was unavailable prior to BD, how does detachment and GAL help?" Don't be that guy.
Yes, on day 2 of my sitch I remembered DB from my first sitch in 2005. And I got started on doubling-down on DBing to the best of my ability.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I received the DR book yesterday. I have started reading it. Are there any quick wins (I am a slow reader)?
Current sitch, I am in the spare room, most things we have done separately, once the kids are in bed we are in separate rooms watching TV if one of us is not out. Sunday we sat down and had dinner together.
I know MC has mixed reviews on here but we spoke about this last night and she is keen to book this is asap, I don't know if is this a good thing or a bad thing. I just want to make sure we have the right counseller, as I said she doesn't want to fix it (says she doesn't love me in that way anymore) but I do.
She has plans on Friday night so I plan to go and do something on Saturday night, not sure what yet.
I am still highly emotional (it comes in waves) but I am managing to keep it together when I am around her and the kids.
At the moment we are just doing everything separately, which I am find soooo tough, but then she did want space to work out who she is.
