Hey everyone. First time post and never thought I would ever be in this situation.
My wife and I have been together for over 15 years, married for 13 years and have 2 kids under 11. She dropped the bombshell about a week ago that she doesn’t feel the same way about me, amongst other reasons which I will go into below. She has been thinking about it for a few months and has made her decision but has not spoken to me about it and is not interested in getting help to try and save what we have (the only reason she will have marriage counseling is to help me come to terms with it). It’s quite a long story.
In September she changed jobs, she has a male friend that she worked with for 7 years. She said to me she wasn’t sure how she felt about him(like she may have feelings for him) I did not take this very well at all, she was going away for a few days and cleared her head and realised they are just good friends and she was panicking about moving jobs and not seeing one of her best friends / have someone to help every day. She did also started to confide in him rather than me as she didn’t want to worry me with her worries (I had a few issues about 3 years ago and had counseling to deal with grief/Loss. My mum died in Nov 13 and then her Father in Jan 14 and since then I have been needy, clingy questioning her and jealous).We had a chat and worked out we needed to learn to communicate again. Which I feel has not happened and enough effort has been put in. I trust and believe her but it did affect me. Intimacy stopped as she wanted to wait until it felt natural again, this has also affected me.
She has said that it has been slowly building up over the last few years, I believe I had an underlying issue with loss which wasn’t apparent. When she said what she said in September I became really unsettled and it became obvious to me that I need to sort myself out which I have taken responsibility for , I have had, and I am still having counselling and try and meditation(mindfulness) every day, which over time the last 4/5 months has help loads. I still have a way to go but I have made loads of progress.
I think she wanted me to move out. I have moved into the spare room. We are just taking a day at a time. I am trying to give her space but it is so hard.
I am not ready to just give up on 15 years just for the sake of a couple of years where we have lost our way but it is so difficult when she has said she doesn’t love me in that way anymore.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. There are some great people here who will be along shortly to help you through this.
The best thing you can do right now is give your W space, so you are off to a great start there. Keep doing that. I know it's hard to do at the start, but the more you find other things to do with your time, the more you focus on yourself, the better off you will be.
You would be best off right now to not pursue your W. She is pulling away from you. That may slow down in the future, but it will not right now. It is not a good look to be running after someone who is pulling away. It also will make you feel much worse, so stop pursuing her. It's what she wants.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. In fact, sometimes doing nothing helps a whole lot with detachment. You can check out my thread and others if you want to see how to do that.
Keep coming here to post your thoughts, you've made a good decision there.
She has agreed to marriage counselling but only to help me come to terms with it. I want to go to try and save the relationship. What are people opinions on marriage counselling? I have looked on the net and it is a mind field.
I am in the early stages of trying the Last Resort Technique so fingers crossed this helps.
I am at the stage where I am pretty sure she will not change her mind but I am not just going to role over on 15 years of mainly good times. If it has been my mental health issues that have gradually pushed her away then she needs to understand that I am sorting that out (and have made alot of progress)
Bud, welcome to the forums. Sorry you're going through this! First, you're not going to like our advice because it's going to seem very counter-intuitive to what your heart is telling you to do. But as IW said, you've got to back off and give her time and space. You've got to quit questioning her, quit pressuring her, quit moping around her and being desperate and needy. All of that is NOT attractive. She says she's done, and she means it... for now. That may change later but for now you need to understand she has NO DESIRE to work on things or to even talk about it. She doesn't want you to fix the problems, do more housework, pay more attention to her. In fact those things will just drive her farther away because she'll see it all as "too little too late" or tricks to get her back. So you pull back. You read Sandi's rules and you behave like that when you're around her. You learn to be VERY scarce. It seems wrong, but it's what works and it's what she wants.
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(the only reason she will have marriage counseling is to help me come to terms with it).
Do not go to MC. She will just use it as leverage for a separation/ divorce.
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I became really unsettled and it became obvious to me that I need to sort myself out which I have taken responsibility for , I have had, and I am still having counselling and try and meditation(mindfulness) every day, which over time the last 4/5 months has help loads. I still have a way to go but I have made loads of progress.
Awesome, that's perfect! Do it for yourself, and over time she will see your changes and learn they are real and not just tricks. But it will take many months for her to believe it.
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I think she wanted me to move out.
Don't move out! We've seen LBS's move out in the hopes of appeasing the WAS and end up sleeping on friend's couches or in their parents' basement while the WAS is living like a queen in the family home and even having OM over for fun times. I've even seen two instances where OM moved into the family home and the LBS was relegated to waiting on his own damned porch to drop off and pick up kids. It doesn't get much more emasculating than that.
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I have moved into the spare room.
You shouldn't have done that. She's the one that wants out of the M, she should be the one that goes and sleeps somewhere else. If the marital home is the castle, the master bed is the throne. You shouldn't surrender the throne. Your attitude should be "I'm sleeping here, you can sleep here or in the spare bedroom or in the bathtub or the doghouse, I don't care." We always advice LBS's to move back into the bedroom. Will she like it? No. Will she complain about it? More than likely. Should you back down? NO! She has lost respect for you, this is a step in earning it back.
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I am not ready to just give up on 15 years just for the sake of a couple of years where we have lost our way but it is so difficult when she has said she doesn’t love me in that way anymore.
The woman you knew and loved is gone. She's been replaced by a WAS. You're clinging to the notion that you've got to hang on until your old W comes back, but that is going to take a very long time. It took my XW a good 3 years before parts of her "old self" started returning. And even now almost 8 years later I'd say she's about 50% of her old self. It doesn't always take them that long, but the point I'm trying to make is you need a lot of patience.
Thanks AnotherStander. I will give all these a go. I am not sure it will be wise to move back into the main bedroom.
Thanks Cadet I am going to order from amazon.
She has already started telling all her friends. Should I worry about this? I have told some of my family and friends but only so I have people to support me.
She has already started telling all her friends. Should I worry about this? I have told some of my family and friends but only so I have people to support me.
You cannot control what W does, unfortunately. You can only control yourself.
I would recommend against trying to get anyone to "help her see that what she is doing is wrong". This never works. In fact, it can have the opposite effect of driving her farther away and causing more resentment.
It is important to have your family in your corner, but I would not talk badly about W in front of them. Their natural reaction will be to tell you to move on and that you deserve better. The reason they do this is because they do not want to see you suffering and in pain.
If you decide to stand for your marriage, I can tell you from experience that will be the last easy decision you will make.
Standing is a marathon. This will take a long time. You will get beaten up, dragged through the mud, and you will question why you are doing this. There will be a rollercoaster of emotions along the way.
Your job is to get as strong, as centered, and as grounded as you can. That is what will help you get through this.
