Why are you waiting until she has plans to make plans. Bud, first order of business is to go out and GAL. Stop reacting to her actions.
I hear you. Am actually a little annoyed that I didn't get there first. At the moment I just don't feel like doing anything but I know I need to. Thanks for the motivation!
I received the DR book yesterday. I have started reading it. Are there any quick wins (I am a slow reader)?
No, read it cover to cover and then read it again. Pay attention to Sandi's rules in particular, they are your template on lovingly detaching. Time is on your side, I realize you probably think you need to do something, anything and do it fast but this is a MARATHON.
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I know MC has mixed reviews on here but we spoke about this last night and she is keen to book this is asap, I don't know if is this a good thing or a bad thing.
It's definitely a bad thing. It is her way to escalate separation/ divorce using a 3rd party "professional" as a shield. Here is how it will play out:
C- so can anything be done to save this? You- YES I am willing to do anything! C- Great, what about you? W- No, I'm done, it's over and I want him to know and accept it. C- Aaaah, well it sounds like perhaps a trial separation would be a good idea so the two of you can think about things. W- YES YES YES how soon can we do this? When can he move out?
Look at the timeline in my signature. I've been here a while. I've seen ^^^this^^^ happen more times than I can count, including in my own sitch.
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I just want to make sure we have the right counseller, as I said she doesn't want to fix it (says she doesn't love me in that way anymore) but I do.
So you want to force what you want on her? THAT NEEDS TO STOP RIGHT AWAY. How much do you love her? Enough to give her what she wants? Enough to let her go? Enough to put her needs ahead of yours? YOU want to save the M. SHE DOES NOT. You need to set your wants aside and start respecting hers. Why? Because if you don't fight her on this then she'll stop seeing you as the pressuring, manipulating, controlling bad guy that she desperately needs out of her life. And THAT is what it will take to possibly change her mind about you and about the M.
It's definitely a bad thing. It is her way to escalate separation/ divorce using a 3rd party "professional" as a shield. Here is how it will play out:
C- so can anything be done to save this? You- YES I am willing to do anything! C- Great, what about you? W- No, I'm done, it's over and I want him to know and accept it. C- Aaaah, well it sounds like perhaps a trial separation would be a good idea so the two of you can think about things. W- YES YES YES how soon can we do this? When can he move out?
Look at the timeline in my signature. I've been here a while. I've seen ^^^this^^^ happen more times than I can count, including in my own sitch.
This is so good. In my sitch, I think the reason it worked, is because while my W wanted S and eventually D, she wasn't ready to rip that bandaid off. I also had a C that didn't believe in S....or D for that matter. Which is why if you insist on doing this I highly recommend a faith-based MC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I will have to see about the MC as I think she has booked it now. I know you are going to all tell me off.
I think the first session is actually just an assessment of the sitch.
@AnotherStander I really do hear what you are saying. I will have a think about it and see if there is a way of not going. It is so hard to know what to do for the best.
Bud: W I’ve thought about it and have decided that if you are not willing to work on our marriage that attending MC would be a waste of time and money.
Trust me you will regret going and most likely will fall apart emotionally and make matters worse.
Bud, listen to these guys, and listen to me. I came through all of this-- my W telling me she no longer loved me, that she didn't see any hope for us... her becoming embroiled in an affair with a guy who at the time was pretty much my only friend-- and eventually made it through to reconciliation and piecing. From my experience, and from following so many other guys' experiences on here, i can tell you, without reservation:
1) Absolutely do NOT go to MC with her right now! She is ONLY using it as a box-checking exercise to make herself look better and give herself ammunition for a separation/divorce. I don't care if you gave her a written promise signed in triplicate and sealed with your own blood... DON'T GO. Who cares if you promised her?! What loyalty/fealty/trustworthiness has she shown YOU?!? It seems from what you have said that she is very likely in at least an emotional affair if not more! DON'T GO! MC is reserved for a) when BOTH parties are interested in saving the MR, and b) when the two spouses in question are the ONLY two parties involved. ALL AFFAIRS AND INAPPROPRIATE EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS WITH MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX MUST BE ENDED before MC can be undertaken with any hope of success. So, I don't care what you have to tell her, as long as it includes "I'm not going."
2) Don't Go!
3) Move your a$$ back into the MBR and reclaim your ballz.
4) Did I mention that you shouldn't go to MC right now? If not... DONT GO!!!
Take care of yourself. 180, GAL, become (or return to being, whichever) AMOAFWL!!
Last edited by hoosjim; 01/22/2004:43 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Bud, listen to these guys! By time I got here I was already in MC. I got lucky because my experience is the vast vast minority. You are better off not going. Just like these guys are telling you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well Bud, I´m a survivor from the dark side. And I agree with the guys here. Been there, seen that...there´s no need of MC. In fact it could turn against you. Get out of there.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
This is so hard. I actually feel the life being sucked out of me. I am going to do my best not to go. I am actually having IC anyway.
Just tell her flatly and simply.
"I’ve decided against going to marriage counseling. I feel that it would just be going through the motions at this point. I’m going to start individual counseling on my own. A lot has happened and I need help processing it so I can heal and move forward."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
