Steve, I know how wise you are. And I'm gonna trust you on this. He's trying to Hansel and Gretel me all the way to the oven. I'll leave the text all together as directed. Question though, this response, this means I'm doing something right here, correct?
Steve, I know how wise you are. And I'm gonna trust you on this. He's trying to Hansel and Gretel me all the way to the oven. I'll leave the text all together as directed. Question though, this response, this means I'm doing something right here, correct?
I believe it is always good to see the WAS start to come sniffing back around. Even if at first it is just to try to keep you attached, it is still a sign that there is interest. The problem is that the LBS sometimes starts accepting the WAS back too quickly, and stop doing the things that got them to that point to begin with. So don't make that mistake. It is like fishing, if you start to reel in the fish before the hook is set, you will lose the fish.
How will you know when the hook is set? You WILL know. It will not be ambiguous like it is now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Believe nothing he says and 1/2 of what he does! I think I got this. Keep doing what I'm doing. Keep working on GAL, my 180s, and detaching. I'll know when I know.
I'm so sorry this is all happening and I have so much empathy for you. I'm going to put something out there that might feel harsh and I don't mean it that way, but it is something I'm struggling with myself and the detachment is getting easier when I thought about it this way.
Maybe, his friendliness towards your withdrawing behaviors is not a renewed interest and trying to keep you locked in as Plan B. What if he is really, honestly over you? What if he is relieved and happy that you seem to be moving on, which alleviates his guilt and he can start to relax and be kind again and make BLTs for dinner?
I know that isn't what you want to hear. And it may not be true-- probably isn't true, for all I know. But I know for myself when I first started to step away and saw the distancer-pursuer dynamic in action I thought yes! This is working! And maybe, in the long run, it will, but I'm not counting on it. I'm trying to accept the likelihood that in fact, my H is telling me the truth-- he's done. And though that is/was a gutwrenchingly awful thing to actually consider and begin to accept, I think it was the switch inside me that is allowing me to really start to detach and focus on myself and what I need, not acting in certain ways in order to get a certain reaction from him.
My H is/was also my best friend AND thinks we are going to stay friends through all of this. I don't know where they get this fantasy. If he could show me one couple who has the kind of D'd R he has in mind I might believe it was possible...but he is in total la-la land.
You are strong and can make it through this. Focus on you.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
May It’s entirely possible and I’ve thought about it but he tends to have good days with me and the family out of guilt.. Honestly his behavior confirms when he’s seen her. He gets very helpful and offers to do things he didn’t even do when we were good. He shows love with acts of service. Always has. Now it’s showing guilt. But even by that standard the morning texts from no where about nothing are entirely out of character for the alien. Also the old husband. Old husband morning texts were sweet and doting. Alien and I have gone I think up to 8 days with out saying a word to each other. Not stone walling. Just two ships passing in the night avoiding the hell out of any conversation that could possibly veer into dreaded R talks. I was faking it until I made it with detaching even before I finished reading DR. I’m still clearly faking it until I make it. I struggle on the calm days most. Ive gotten very good at acting as if I’m detaching. I’m working on internally staying out of the fray entirely, not just emoting detachment. Tonight he wanted my help with that damn bacon dividing the poundage, how to transport it best. asked the best way to cook it for dinner, wanting my reassurance while he prepped everything. I USED to make every meal in the house. Not so much since BD. He Wanted to watch a movie with the kids all of us together. And helped me fold laundry during. Kept trying to engage me in surface conversation. He sent snaps (picture message via snap chat) of him prepping dinner directly to 2 of my friends that I know he knows they know damn near everything. If he isn’t breadcrumbing I’d say it more likely he’s cake eating before he runs his own arbitrary timeline out.
Please trust that I’m focused on getting my life and budget right for his magic April date. But you’re right I could definitely be more focused.
That part about the bacon is cracking me up. My H-- same thing. Now does most of the grocery shopping, cooking, volunteers to help when I'm cooking. Snuggles up on the couch with all four of us for a movie (kids in the middle, though, god forbid we actually touch). And this guy has never ONCE volunteered to fold kid laundry-- it is his most dreaded chore because the clothes so GD small and he doesn't know whose is whose or where things go and gets super frustrated. (Also, if you can't tell, my least favorite chore.) He folded a whole basketful the other day. Sends funny/nice texts to my mom. My H also totally stepped up his acts of service in the middle of all this once he learned it was my primary LL and that has continued throughout.
But who knows. Breadcrumbing, cake eating, guilt, "trying"... I feel like it doesn't do any good to try to understand why he is or isn't acting in a certain way. And I totally trust you-- you are smart and strong and thoughtful. You'll be fine no matter what... but the less you can worry about him and what is going on in his confused head vs. focusing on yourself, the better off you'll be. (Partially this is me talking to myself, so take it all with a giant grain of salt!!)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
May, trust me I feel that when I comment on other newbies posts too!!!! It's a lot of me talking myself into DBing through the discomfort. I do know I need to stop trying to figure him out. Not helping with detaching and lord knows he doesn't know his head from a hole in the wall so there really isn't anything to figure out. He's more confused than I am, and I need to remind myself that. I really appreciate the baby 2x4 and the encouragement.
It’s been a rough weekend already and it’s only Saturday. Both girls his and mine let me know that they know about his affair and her name. He’s been very not careful around them. There’s a lot of hurt, anger and disappointment. I did my best to validate their feelings and talk them through the enjoying the good days like earlier in the week and trying not to focus on the bad days. There was an incident well two involving him disappearing instead of what he says he do for/with them that set all this in motion. I did not bring it up. Part of this conversation was one daughter saw/heard a text read on his phone sync in his car that indicated OW has booted the boyfriend for my H. H left this afternoon and told me he won’t be coming home tonight. This will be the first time for that. I had feelings that the EA became a PA.
Honestly I’m ok. I didn’t think I would be. I thought I’d feel like crap all over again. But It was just confirmed from what I pretty much already knew. And I didn’t die. I really didn’t. I’m most struggling with the girls. I think maybe family therapy but I didn’t know if I want H there. I fear he’s going to turn it into me turning the girls against him especially his daughter. Or IC for both girls maybe. I don’t know. I’m just worried. They aren’t exactly little. This has to be affecting them even more than they are letting me see. I’m angry at how much they are hurting over this. I’m pissed I have to smooth this over and try to keep them from jumping immediately to “I hate him.” And honestly constantly taking the high road is really exhausting. I just keep telling myself I chose to be the lighthouse. I chose to anchor this family. I’m doing it because I have to. Because I still love that man as much as I hate to admit it. Because I want this family intact. But more than intact. We can’t have a house of 4 teenagers. Somebody needs to be the grown up. But it would be nice if it didn’t have to be me 24/7.
Had IC today and I think I might need to find a new one. She offers a lot with helping me with detachment techniques. She offers a lot when it comes to beating myself up over this when I slip. Or get into the whole I deserve this because of who I was in past relationships, or because I didn’t catch this soon enough, or ignored red flags or should’ve walked away 7 years ago and we wouldn’t be here. But she keeps insisting on boundaries that don’t feel like boundaries. They feel like ultimatums or giving up on this marriage not standing. Like: how long can you live like this? How long can you live like this with him in your house? Isn’t staying in limbo putting you’re whole life in hold?
On top of that I come to these boards to get support and vent because I know the day to day mess is too much for the couple of friends I let in. And I can’t reach out to my IC 24/7. I’m not in crisis. My husband is, and every day with him ranges from agonizing to annoying as hell. But sometimes I feel like what’s the point of standing at all. So few people reconcile. And from what I can see anecdotally it looks like WW seem to come back far more often than a WH. Trust me I’m not doing all this for him to come back into this marriage. I genuinely lost myself in my depression and this relationship. All the DBing is for me to keep going forward in my life. To keep my mind off his mess. To truly detach. But I keep the hope that maybe something is working on drawing him back in. And that’s really what I’m wondering if there’s any point to. Should I really just stand here and wait? Does he deserve me constantly holding it together? Does he deserve my loyalty at all? Is him reengaging and all the work that we’d need to do to piece this back together worth it?
I know those are both contradictory paragraphs. But today I feel all over the place. Honestly confused about what I really want. And what I’m trying to accomplish here. I don’t want to give up on him or our marriage. But I don’t want to waste time not moving on either since he’s running as quickly as he can to start over.
Last night was the first time I dreamt since all this started, and every single dream had H in it. I kept waking myself up because even there I didn't want to be trapped in the same room as him for an extended period of time. I'm guessing because of the IC session. She had my head in a twist over all of this.
This morning was Day 4 of H telling me exactly where he's going, who with, and if he's coming home whether he's with OW or not completely with out prompting. I don't ask. I don't want to engage in that. And I don't really care because the answer is 85% of the time with OW. So there's no need. I don't know if I should be mad at the disrespect of him openly saying "hey catching a movie with OW" as if there's no shame in it, or if I should be happy that he's finally doing what I asked of him like 5 weeks ago and not lying about it or just throwing "I'm GOING OUT" at me like I'm his mother and he's an extra angsty teen in my house. I told him 5 weeks ago (I just need to repeat that) even if I don't like it I can take it and then I don't have to lie to our kids and I don't have to wonder if he's dead. His response 5 weeks ago was "Well there's a slim chance I'm dead so I don't know why you're worried and if they ask say I'm out." They are practically grown. How long was "out" supposed to work for? I eventually just started saying IDK, and leave it. But 5 weeks ago I also said don't embarrass me in public and since he's heading to a movie tonight I'm sure that request H hasn't really thought about yet.
This is also been the 7th day in a row of him texting me out of no where. And Day 5 of me no longer responding to informational texts
I feel like every damn day it's something new with him. And once I've learned how to ignore one behavior he starts a new weird one that makes me feel like a detachment failure. Like can't I just have a week of our own version of the status quo? Just a little time where I know he's leaving the house to be with her Tuesday, Friday and Saturday nights. And Wednesday and Thursday he's home pretending things are semi-normal. And Sunday/Monday I'll take the grabbag. Can't we just stay in that pattern with out him needing to throw in weird stuff for a couple of weeks so I can maintain my bearings?
