This is so hard. I actually feel the life being sucked out of me. I am going to do my best not to go. I am actually having IC anyway.
Just tell her flatly and simply.
"I’ve decided against going to marriage counseling. I feel that it would just be going through the motions at this point. I’m going to start individual counseling on my own. A lot has happened and I need help processing it so I can heal and move forward."
Steve85, can this kick you in the rear by the spouse saying, "well, if you don't go to marriage counseling then clearly you aren't interested in saving the marriage so what's the point?"
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
This is so hard. I actually feel the life being sucked out of me. I am going to do my best not to go. I am actually having IC anyway.
Just tell her flatly and simply.
"I’ve decided against going to marriage counseling. I feel that it would just be going through the motions at this point. I’m going to start individual counseling on my own. A lot has happened and I need help processing it so I can heal and move forward."
Steve85, can this kick you in the rear by the spouse saying, "well, if you don't go to marriage counseling then clearly you aren't interested in saving the marriage so what's the point?"
Wait. So you are worried about what the person that has already told you that they aren't interested in saving the marriage thinks? This is called ATTACHMENT. It is the opposite of what you should be: detached.
ocean, think about it this way. If you were dating a guy, and 5 dates in he went, "Eh, you know, I really don't want to be in a relationship with you." What would you do? Would you start throwing yourself at him? Calling him non-stop? Pushing yourself on him? Wanting to attend couples counseling with him? OF course not! You'd have a healthy outlook of "I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me!"
Our sitches are no different. The WAS has said, loud and clear, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you!" It is unhealthy to respond to that by throw yourself at them, call them non-stop, push yourself on them. Or attend counseling with them. As DR says, you should have an "as if" attitude towards them.
People want what they can't have. The sooner Budvegas starts moving on without her the more of a chance she will wake-up and go "WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING!?!?"
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hoosjim cracks me up, I love the humorous spin he puts on it but he still busts the nail with his hammer! Good advice!
I understand your reluctance to back out after she set something up. A good compromise might be to go to the first session and then afterwards tell her something along the lines of LH's suggestion (W I’ve thought about it and have decided that if you are not willing to work on our marriage that attending MC would be a waste of time and money.)
EDIT- Just saw Steve's response, I really like that one as well:
"I’ve decided against going to marriage counseling. I feel that it would just be going through the motions at this point. I’m going to start individual counseling on my own. A lot has happened and I need help processing it so I can heal and move forward."
Telling her you need IC before MC is a great idea. It takes the MC pressure off, and it allows you to work on yourself and leave her alone.
I’m not an expert here but I went through a similar spot when I Got the BD a few months ago.
It was on and I couldn’t stop it. W wanted a separation on paper, tell Kids, etc. We didn’t need MC for that. It was my worst fear and I am alive still. I hate it but haven’t given up.
I don’t think the MC is going to matter either way in your case. If it was me at the time I would have gone. W was smart enough to know it wouldn’t help and maybe hurt at the time If BD.
I felt so rushed but things did slow down after. Be glad you are here early.
I begged, pleaded, moped around, etc. at first.
Let her do it and start working on yourself.
See how it goes and take it slow. I would only say To hold your ground and don’t make any really bad Decisions on emotions right now.
It’s fast right now but will slow up and you will be able to assess more clearly over time.
I totally get where you are. I was there a few months ago. You have more time than you think. You don't need to fix this today. The sooner you start implementing the strategies here, the sooner you will feel better.
Thanks LH19 thinking of it as Facilitator does help a bit.
Greenman - Where are you at in your DBing?
I have started to make sure I go out if I can, this is tough when we have 2 kids. I haven't begged or pleaded since BD and have tried to be as upbeat as possible...other than last night.
She is also saying she needs space, this is tough as we are both (at the moment) in the same house. Albeit in separate rooms.
I am about a quarter of the way through the DR book....I have never read so quick.
Hi BV, You're in a tough spot. Its easy to be anxious, out of control and at times hopeless. All normal feelings for your sitch. Many of us have been there. I have 2 kids under 4 and can relate.
I can tell you that my W pushed hard for mediation and D at first as well. She wanted it as quick as possible. She wanted space and asked me to leave the house. Well its been 5 months and no D, no mediation and we both live in the house in limbo. Just because your W feels a way in this current moment, doesnt mean it may not change day by day.
No matter the outcome you've work to do on yourself and thats what DB is for.
Keep working on you. Your mind is spinning which is normal. It'll take time to get back to your baseline then build on it. With the help of the people here, you wont be at it alone.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
