A parallel universe II

[DnJ]

Hello DS

Maybe a little too drawn out.

I do realize, at least I think I do, what you want to get across. You want to address the attempt to control you by threatening future noncooperation by her. XW also slide in son and his care into the conversation in an slightly veiled threat about not helping out during holidays and pick ups. I would keep son out of your response. He is not part of this. No need to give credence or acknowledgement to her shifting of the focus. Stick to the shed.

I understand you wanting to set a boundary with her. She tries to control and threaten - you will not answer those messages. Actions speak loud my friend. Not engaging with her speaks volumes.

How about:

“XW, I’m sorry you feel stressed cleaning out your shed.

I also do not want to be difficult; I just don’t need any more shelves.”

If she persists in her attempted control then perhaps a formal boundary needs to be stated. Just know you can have a boundary without ever saying a word. For now, keep your response to the shed cleaning. If/when she escalates things, then deal with it. Who knows she may just hire someone as she was originally planning to do.

For what it worth:

...that she knows our relationship is strained but trying to be amicable

Trying predisposes one for failure.

XW “trying” is her looking for a way to be non-amicable.

“our relationship is strained and yet amicable” or “our relationship is strained at times but we are still amicable”. See the difference. How it sounds when “try” is not used. “Try” gives a easy way out - hey, I only said I’d try.

Hope that helps.

DnJ

[rooskers]

DS doesn't it seem crazy that something as simple as shelving in the shed is such an issue. Can you see the manipulation in this whole thing? She even threatened future dealings with your S over the issue. DnJ also gave some very good insights as well.

“XW, I’m sorry you feel stressed cleaning out your shed.

I also do not want to be difficult; I just don’t need any more shelves.”

I am not against this but personally I would shorten it even more. I try to only say sorry when I really mean it and at this point are you really sorry for her when this should not be that big of a deal? If you say sorry too much it soon becomes worthless. I think she will read the "do not want to be difficult" as "yes he does or he would do what I say."

I would leave it at "I don't need any more shelves."

[DS9]

Just wanted to thank everyone who came on board for their support and help. I've taken everything in and will make a decision on my reply soon.

It'll be a year since BD in a couple of days, and I've kept it on the down low but emotions bubble up sometimes. In coming up with my reply, I was reviewing some old emails I sent to XW post DB and came across some pre-BD ones I sent. Poignant in remembering that nearly all the hundreds of them sent were to do with me doing something for her, chasing something up, organising something and the like. Even found a really really old one where I was handling a reply to her XH due to their toxic relationship, she was seemingly distressed and wanted to catch up for lunch, with me comforting her and letting her know I'd handle him. Yeah, I know, the WAS/MLC spouses rewrite history, and I'm fortunate that my sitch isnt as toxic as some, but it still hurts.

I'm not going to look at those emails ever again now. Like PM Dawn said - she's just one of those corners in my mind, and I'll just put her right back with the rest, thats the way it goes, I guess...

[rooskers]

DS you are doing great. I am sure the one year anniversary of BD is definitely going to give you some strong emotions.

[DS9]

Thanks buddy - I try to - Lord how I try!

I appreciate the kind words mate

[DaB35]

Hi DS

Haven't been on for a a while so just catching up.

I agree with others - think you're doing really well and handling things great. Good that you're asking for advice here. That whole business with the shelves is very odd. It's strange how WASs make such big issues out of tiny things.

My W was the same this week about a boiler service. We booked it September, the company kept postponing it. They moved it to this Monday. When they did, I texted W about it - must have been in November/December time, so she knew. I assumed W was in the house every Monday (she hasn't told me otherwise); I reminded her last weekend and she said she was out and 'hardly at the house anymore' and 'I need way more advance notice', then asked if Icould do a two hour round trip to let the service guy in! Nope!

Anyway, just wanted to reiterate what others are saying - keep it up!

[Ready2Change]

The key to this discussion is you have many choices in how to respond.

One extreme is not responding. The other extreme too many words. Less words almost always has a better impact.


Normally I get all the words I want to say into my first draft. Then I edit out as much as possible. I try to stick to the point of discussion. Sometimes I have to address the other issues.

I like this:

"Sorry you feel that way, XW. It's not my intention to negatively affect our interactions. I've already fulfilled my responsibility regarding the storage unit and items therein. Thanks for your understanding."

I would remove these:

"Sorry you feel that way, XW. It's not my intention to negatively affect our interactions. I've already fulfilled my responsibility regarding the storage unit and items therein. Thanks for your understanding."

If she responds again, then "I am sorry you feel that way"

Even removing more:

I've fulfilled my responsibility regarding the storage unit. Thanks for your understanding.

if she responds. then "Sorry you feel that way. It's not my intention to negatively affect our interactions."


Good luck.

[DS9]

Hi all,

I replied yesterday afternoon. I kept it short - 4 short sentences one line spaced for easy viewing.

I told her I understood how its stressful and feels unfair to clean out the storage, that I appreicated she didnt want to be difficult and that she cleaned out the items in the storage, that I didnt want to be difficult either but simply didnt want the shelves or have room, and that I was sorry she felt things were strained and appreicayted she kept amicable despite her feelings.

No reply.

I think one would have come by now. I think that's a good thing I didnt get one. She almost always needed to have the last word. It also means I dont have to type my 6 word reply - I'm sorry you feel that way

Thank you to all my virtual DB friends who helped me - DnJ, Roo, Scout, R2C, Dan. It is crazy Roo how somethign as trivial as this assumes such gravity. When y ou live in a fish bowl though, a pebble dropping in the water assumes tsunami proprtions

It's one year since BD. I may type out how I feel, but not just now.

[ovrrnbw]

if she responds. then "Sorry you feel that way. It's not my intention to negatively affect our interactions."


Good luck.

I like all of R2Cs advice except I wouldn't say sorry.

I have been challenging myself to never say sorry, which means first I always must do what is right so I have nothing to apologize for.

[Ready2Change]

I see all three phases as the same:

"I am sorry you feel that way"
"I can see why you feel that way"
"I understand you feel that way"

They are not meant as apologies. More to state that you heard the person, and possibly to show you have empathy for their feelings.

Apologizing and seeking forgiveness while changing your behavior is a whole different structure and tone.

"I am so sorry I hurt you. bla bla bla"