Hi Steve, I am not a vet here and I separated from W just a year ago, but I can relate to your sitch in many ways, so I would like to offer you the following advice. You should stop talking to your W’s aunt, as it does not help you detach. I was very close to my mother in law and she has suggested several times that we have a talk but I always refrained from calling her. Nothing good would come out of it. You wife can be nice to you and still want out of the marriage. It is not incompatible. It just means you are in the friendzone. It can also mean that she feels guilty about leaving you. My W behaves the same way with me, even if we are separated. I would suggest that you move on and that you behave as if you marriage is dead. Demonstrate strength and self-respect. That does not mean you have to file right away (only when you feel you are fully ready to do so), but at least go indefinite no contact. This is how you will have the best chance to save your marriage.
And by the time you get the chance to save your marriage, you may not want to if you have really let go and moved on. I've had a revelation the past two days. Nothing the S did, just turned my own thinking around. Now I see what the veterans here are saying. I want more from my life than this I'm a lot older than you and time is short. I am walking away. I'm not telling the H that, it's not a tactic to get him to come back. I'm acknowledging that what he does is entirely in his control and quite honestly, I'm done being jerked around and fed crumbs/Plan B. I want to be someone's Plan A. I look really good for my age and have a really successful professional career, make a lot of money. Additionally, I am changed by this experience and know a lot more about being a good wife. I am also very empathetic and have a nurturing personality. The ultimate "nurse with a purse." LOL. I know finding a good guy over 55 ain't easy but I think I will eventually encounter someone that fits the bill.
Not to mention, I'm completely open to younger ones;) They're great.
I was floored. Not that I in my heart of hearts expected a different result, but it's so different than what I see out of her when we do get together. If she's done, why did she want to talk about our joint financial accounts, given my new job situation? Why does she smile when she sees me, why do I make her laugh so easily, why does she send me links? She knows I'm on the side of reconciliation and she knows how much this hurts me - how can she know and just let me go through the hell I'm going through?
This is called being Plan B. Don't be upset with yourself for falling for these things, most of us LBSs do. We crave every crumb that she let's fall from her table. And then sit and beg and wait for more.
It is kind of humiliating to look back and to see that I did that. But we just try to hang on so tight. The key is to let go. Be the lighthouse. Let her come to you. And then to have zero expectations. Until you can get there, that is the goal you work towards.
What you find on the other side is that you know you will be okay either way. Once I got there I was actually excited at the possibility for my life that this opened up! So keep your head up and head for that faint light at the end of the tunnel.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What you find on the other side is that you know you will be okay either way. Once I got there I was actually excited at the possibility for my life that this opened up! So keep your head up and head for that faint light at the end of the tunnel.
Steve, you're right! I just got there. I'm not sure now I even want to stay married.
I am sorry to read this update man. I wish I would have seen this sooner, I imagine last night was a long night.
My first thought is if this is how she really thinks, then do you really want someone like that? Who could leave this easily?
My second thought is: Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does!!!!! There's also a reason she didn't tell the grownups.
My W told lots of people that this was over. She told people more than once. And guess what, and you probably already know this, but the more someone talks about something and feels the need to say it, the less confident they are in their position. My W changed her mind if you didn't know.
You talking about filing yourself is an emotional reaction to all this pain. I definitely get it, but I don't think it's what you want. If it was what your W wanted then she's had well over a month since her declaration to send papers yet here you are!
You control you. Attitude --- thoughts ---- actions --- feelings. You control every step that leads up to you feeling happy. Are you going to wallow in hurt forever or can you turn this around?
In DR, have you read about the Stop Sign Technique? It served me well.
You live up in the big city! We had a member up there who patched things up when I first got here. You have things to do that I don't in suburban STL (Don't get me wrong, it's still way better here). Kidding aside, take advantage of the offerings in your area.
This video helped me a lot:
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Google this: qMNMyLm57VA
I wouldn't change much in what you're doing because your W said this to her family.
PMA brother, PMA! Whatever happens in my life I will get through, do the right thing, and be better for it!!!!!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you so much for your responses and empathy. As you can imagine, last night was very difficult and even trying at all today to be productive is impossible. But I need to feel what I feel, as hard as it is, and not run from it. And it hurts. A lot.
I've been trying to monitor my thoughts, and whenever they start to get into a painful place, like remembering a time when we were happy or feeling hopeless, I immediately try to counter it with this mantra: I'm strong, I'm successful, and I'm resilient. It's been helpful.
There's so many hard parts about this. I never, ever thought it would end like this. We were married, we loved each other - we were supposed to work it out, and never stop fighting to make it work. I don't know what made me think we were different; D was something that happened to other people, because they gave up, and because they didn't have what we had.
Now I'm losing 75% of my family, and I'm losing the life I thought for sure I was going to live. The worst part is, I don't even really know why. All I got from WAW when she decided to S was that she needed space. In the absence of any more information than that, all I can do is beat myself up over things I wish I would have done differently, times I wish we didn't argue, times I regret not being a better partner.
I'm trying to get through the rest of the day by telling myself that it's not over, and that really, nothing has changed. What she told her cousins was probably how she felt all along, and while it hurts that it was said, until I have papers in front of me, it's all just conversation. Some people do change their minds when they're right up against it. Some people go through with it, and realize that it didn't make them happier, that it's not what they wanted. I'd be lying to you and myself if I said that she seems unhappy with her life currently; she enjoys her new job, and despite the workload, she has really found something in local politics that makes her happy. Of course, I wasn't blocking her from any of those things and her finding happiness in those arenas has nothing to do with me. But it is what it is - there's just zero chance she's thinking she was happier focusing on her art and with less direction in her life.
As for me, I'm just trying to make it through the day. I do know that I will love again, I do know I'll be happy again, and yes, I do know that I'm a catch with a lot of attractive qualities. I don't struggle with that. I just don't understand what happened and it's hurts so much that the person I love and want to be with doesn't want to be with me. It just changed so, so quickly.
All I got from WAW when she decided to S was that she needed space. In the absence of any more information than that, all I can do is beat myself up over things I wish I would have done differently, times I wish we didn't argue, times I regret not being a better partner.
SteveS ~ I think the lack of feedback is a normal experience for many LBS.
I think beating yourself up is too strong. Use the time to work on yourself, including evaluating what you think you contributed to the failure of your MR.
But always keep in mind relationships involve two people. Even if she sent you a list of all your faults, would that really help? If you fixed every one of those faults, would your MR be fixed?
Originally Posted by SteveS
I'm trying to get through the rest of the day by telling myself that it's not over, and that really, nothing has changed. What she told her cousins was probably how she felt all along, and while it hurts that it was said, until I have papers in front of me, it's all just conversation. Some people do change their minds when they're right up against it. Some people go through with it, and realize that it didn't make them happier, that it's not what they wanted.
I'm sorry you are going through this. You got punched in the gut. It is a reminder you are still tethered to her emotions.
When all you get is a request for time and space, and you grant that request, and then you look from afar and she appears content and happy and you have friendly interactions, I understand how that can sustain hope.
On the flip side, this exposes you to feeling gut punches when you find scraps of evidence that counter your hope. You are just a ship in a stormy sea being tossed around by whatever YOU perceive is going on with HER. Scraps of evidence are found - some of them seem pretty cut and dry.
The closer you can get to letting go of expectations, the better you will feel. You WILL be okay regardless of what happens. You are a smart, successful, thoughtful guy, living in one of the greatest cities in the world.
Letting go of those expectations is not easy. I'm not there yet myself.
She told her family something, at some point, possibly it's really how she feels, possibly it was a fleeting emotional thought.... should it change how you approach your day?
Hang in there, buddy. You are in a tough limbo situation, it's not possible for every day to feel like sunshine and rainbows.
H There's so many hard parts about this. I never, ever thought it would end like this. We were married, we loved each other - we were supposed to work it out, and never stop fighting to make it work. I don't know what made me think we were different; D was something that happened to other people, because they gave up, and because they didn't have what we had.
This is how I thought too. However, the problem is that you only get control over one person in this life. And marriage is between two people. So while you can have this attitude, she gets a huge say. It takes two to make a marriage, only one to get a D.
So focus on what you can control. Hint: It is you! Married. D'd. None of that changes that you get control over you! Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react and our attitude towards it. So let your attitude be that you are awesome, great, phenomenal even, no matter what OTHER people decide. See what I said above. Once you get to the place where you realize that you are going to make your life great, no matter what, then you will be able to move past the hurt and the pain.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I wrote an update so I thought I'd check in. More of a journal than anything else.
In regards to my last post, I can't remember how exactly it happened, but shortly after WAW called me and said that her aunt had heard incorrectly, and that it wasn't how she felt. Now, in my entire life with WAW, I have never known even a single time for her to ever lie to me and while I have absolutely no idea what the real truth is, the fact that she immediately called to set the record straight was meaningful.
As far as the two months since then, well, it's been a lot of the same. This pandemic has been really hard on me in particular - not that I've gotten sick, thank God - but with the quarantine and everything being locked down, it's really hitting me hard now unhappy I am being single and how much I want to reconcile with WAW. We met up twice since my last note, both times were generally positive - the rapport is still there, we make enough laugh, and so on.
I'm in NYC so I've been intentionally staying in and locking it down because it's just so crazy outside. I ventured out for about ten minutes on Saturday, just to get some fresh air, and who did I run into but WAW. She was lugging back groceries, and she saw me from the other side of the street and came over. I immediately offered to help her with the groceries, and she refused. I ended up walking back to her apartment with her, ten minutes, just chatting and catching up. It was nice to see her, as always.
If I want to try and read too much into her actions, to me it's sort of strange that she didn't want me at all to help her with groceries. My therapist believes that so much of our S is about her being unhappy with where she was with her life (not working, focusing on art, dependent on me) and that her mindset right now is all about being totally independent, not needing anyone for anything, and so on. That would generally map with her actions yesterday. I know she's also cooped up alone in her apartment so it was also sort of surprising that she didn't lead on any sort of discomfort or loneliness with the quarantine, which I am definitely feeling a lot of.
This is going to get me a swat from the regulars on here, but I shot her a text yesterday that it was nice to see her, and that I'd love to catch her up on some of the things I've been working on and that maybe we could go for a walk since we're both cooped up. 24 hours later, no response. And as I'm sure you might guess based on my history, the lack of a response threw me off and now I'm back in a negative spiral. I know better, but it's hard to avoid.
Oh, and she actually thinks that she got the virus already - late in January, she said she got really sick with the flu and was just completely exhausted for two weeks. No cough, not much of a fever, but it was severe enough that in retrospect she thinks that she had it. That was tough for me to hear - one, that something could have happened to her and I wouldn't have known, and two, that even in her extremely weak state, she didn't reach out to me at all for help.
I guess more than anything else, I just don't understand. She's had so many opportunities to really create distance, none of which she's taken - our finances are still combined, she's on my insurance, and so on. We have such a good time when we get together, when we work together on things we're a really powerful force - and yet other times she treats me as if I'm some stranger that she doesn't know at all. I would have absolutely put myself in harm's way to help her when she was sick. It wouldn't even be a second thought.
My friends all think I'm crazy. They don't know why I keep putting up with this. The short answer is that I still love her, and that I really do believe with the hindsight of going through this pain and all of the things I've worked on within myself in the interim, that we'd be in such a better place if we reconciled. I also can't lie about the fact that I'm still very physically attracted to her, and that in my nascent looking around, I haven't really met anyone who caught my fancy anywhere near the way she did all that time ago.
So, I guess it's just try to get through this valley, keep working on myself, and just try and try and try to work on and get better at distancing. It's so tough with everything that's going on. But I'm making myself sad and getting stuck in quicksand the way I'm going about it now.
Yo Steve how did that kick in the nuts feel when she didn’t respond. That $hit is going to make her feel unsafe and uncomfortable around you. No more bro! Big setback!
