I see a lot of rationalization for accepting this "nice man's" invitation. My guess is that your intentions here are not all pure. This is her family. And if you want to minimize interaction then I would suggest calling her uncle and saying: "Happy birthday! Unfortunatly, I cannot make it tonight. I have plans, but wanted to let you know I appreciate you and the invitation."
I don't often quote myself, but I called out your rationalizations. You then went and then came back with even more rationalizations. You can't really DB halfway. Many have tried, and the D rate is around 99% for those that have.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I agree with the others. Here is an example from my sitch:
My W moved out Feb/2019. A lot was going on as her dad had weeks to live. I was there to lend support however I could, which she did appreciate, but at the same time as the weeks/months went on it was clear that her side of the family was very much in support of me and wasn't sure what was going on with her. She started to soften up a bit around October and then in November during a chat she mentioned that her relationship with her brother was strained because she felt him and everyone else was taking my side (not understanding her) and she felt extra pressure which was "not helping" our situation. Her brother and I became close during my FIL's last few months as I was there to help out however I could (and I wouldn't change that) and my MIL and I became closer too. It's all added pressure on her to do the "right thing" and it doesn't help in any way.
This past Christmas, even though we were on better terms, I opted not to attend her Christmas dinner at her mom's and I can tell that this had an effect on her. But it didn't feel appropriate if we weren't together.
It's easy to rationalize as Steve said...but your better off doing your own thing both for your sanity and mental health as well as so she can see what life without you is like.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I thought I had a good understanding of DB, but apparently I still have more to learn.
Originally Posted by Jac12
I agree with the others. Here is an example from my sitch:
My W moved out Feb/2019. A lot was going on as her dad had weeks to live. I was there to lend support however I could, which she did appreciate, but at the same time as the weeks/months went on it was clear that her side of the family was very much in support of me and wasn't sure what was going on with her. She started to soften up a bit around October and then in November during a chat she mentioned that her relationship with her brother was strained because she felt him and everyone else was taking my side (not understanding her) and she felt extra pressure which was "not helping" our situation. Her brother and I became close during my FIL's last few months as I was there to help out however I could (and I wouldn't change that) and my MIL and I became closer too. It's all added pressure on her to do the "right thing" and it doesn't help in any way.
This past Christmas, even though we were on better terms, I opted not to attend her Christmas dinner at her mom's and I can tell that this had an effect on her. But it didn't feel appropriate if we weren't together.
It's easy to rationalize as Steve said...but your better off doing your own thing both for your sanity and mental health as well as so she can see what life without you is like.
I was having a difficult time getting my head around what Steve, R2C, AS, and ovrrnbw said. Your example helped a lot, thank you Jac12.
I can't help but feel conflicted over this. On one hand, I know detachment is the best move right now. On the other, I do not want to disappoint / betray my in laws. Especially when they have given me their support. So I need advice on a few matters:
(1) As I mentioned, they have invited me to several upcoming family events and now have to turn them down. What is the best way to do this? I care about them and I do not want to appear cold or harsh. Should I be honest and explain to tell them that I am DB-ing?
(2) This is a bit more specific - W's niece has a birthday this weekend. I plan to decline the invite but I'll am planning to buy the niece a present. Maybe I'll just pass the present to my in laws. Is this an acceptable move? Or does it still look like pursuit and pressuring to W?
(3) W's parents are religious people and they view this as a spiritual problem (i.e. something is wrong with W, an evil spirit is possessing her, something along those lines). I don't really buy into these things as I personally think it's something psychological. I tried to convince them otherwise, but they seemed adamant on their belief. They have been hiring people to give "spiritual treatment" to W. These treatments are harmless, but I think it is giving pressure to W. I wonder if there are vets here that had a similar thing, and what is their advice on it.
(4) W has expressed that she would want to still be able to see my parents. Should I let her?
(5) I also mentioned, W and I worked at the same place. She occasionally buys me food. Should I ask her to stop? I believe she is buying it for personal reasons i.e. doing it as a good deed to counteract her "sins".
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
3) Listen and validate. Do not share your opinions.
4) Yes. Let her see your parents whenever she wants. Do not try to control her.
5) Accept the food. Do not make assumptions. Do not be overly or underly enthusiastic. Be present. Be a listerner, not a talker. Be the first to leave.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
1) Do NOT tell anyone in your circle, friends or family, that you are DB'ing. That's for you. 2) pass the present along 3) As R2C said 4) As R2C said 5) If you want the food, say thanks and eat it. If you don't, politely decline....you're ASSUMING she's doing it as a deed to counteract her food but you really don't know so don't pretend.
I'll add this: The more you try and read into everything she does or says the tougher time you will have. Nothing is going to make much sense and that's just the way it's going to be for a bit. Leave her be, stay positive, and focus on you.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Hi LH. Can you explain to me your rationale for that suggestion?
To my understanding, detachment would mean I should stop doing favours for her..? W is capable of coming here and getting her things. From her text she sounded like she expected that I would comply, even though I haven’t replied yet.
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
