Been with my partner for 15 years. After our first date and one night stand (after months of email flirting at work), she fell asleep on me in the hotel room. We were immediately just right with each other and felt comfortable with each other.
She became intense immediately. What followed was a lengthy email declaration of love. At first it was a bit off-putting and I wasn't sure what to do. She chased a couple of times and eventually I relented and replied.
What followed was 8-9 years of a fantastic relationship, amazing sex, just an all round good partnership where we both supported each other. I moved countries for her after we initially had a long distance relationship.
Then we got pregnant (fully intended) and things started to go downhill. Perhaps things went downhill a little before that as we stopped taking care of ourselves, perhaps the '7 year itch' applies. After that, obviously pregnancy had an impact on our sex life, and then there was a traumatic birth, which I fully witnessed, post natal depression, and a year of us both entirely splitting the looking after the child. Actually, I feel like this was a fantastic time - we worked 'shifts' to take care of the baby and allow the other to sleep. But we were in a completely non sexual mindset.
After that 1-2 years of being entirely focused on the child, it's fair to say my partner lost her libido, and her self confidence. There were massive issues due to the depression, she put on weight and didn't feel sexy at all. This in turn affected my libido, which probably became a vicious circle. Sex started to be difficult to come by, very occasional and more deliberate. This became the status for 1-2 years, but we continued to focus on raising our child so neither of us fully noticed what was happening. Our son was diagnosed with autism which simply added to my partners feelings of failure as a mother (of course it has absolutely nothing to do with her, but that doesn't matter in her mind). My partner went on anti-depressants. During this time, I was the sole provider as I was very successful in my businesses, and it therefore didn't make any sense for her to work - and she didn't want to. We bought a dream plot in another country and began to construct a dream home.
Then, 2.5 years ago she got a horrific diagnosis of cancer. A rare cancer which can become aggressive at any time, but has a relatively decent prognosis given the right treatment. This completely broke me, I completely detached from my work, and I spent 3 months reading every single paper on the cancer and destroying myself in the process. At some point, I had to stop and let go of that, but my partner started to feel like a burden to everyone around her - me, her family, her friends. She pushed people away and started to find distractions in her phone. During the last 2 years, there were some red flags she mentioned which I completely missed. She mentioned feeling so alone, just wanting me to touch her in bed (not even sexually), she said we felt like roommates. All of these comments were in isolation and at times I perceived her as being depressed. Meanwhile, my work was hugely stressful, requiring me to fly abroad every week, and I was also highly focused now on completing this new house in this dream country, as much as anything now to make her happy. I knew I couldn't fix the cancer, but I knew she would be happier in this house. It became my biggest focus as a result.
In essence, I had become so accustomed to the relationship not being sexual, I was so turned off by the constant negativity due to everything going on and I just kept envisaging a happier future where we would start to be happy enough to enjoy each other again. The phrase 'cloud of negativity' entered my mind constantly as she stormed around the apartment. I obsessed about the house and the ever increasing cost which was spiraling out of control.
A year ago, my partner had a conversation with me in which she told me she had emotionally checked out of the relationship. Believe it or not, I actually can't remember this conversation, but apparently I took it very seriously and started to make changes. But then, a couple of months later, we had a massive hit of the cost to build the house doubling - and I wasn't sure if we could even finish it. Since I perceived this as the solution to everything, it again took over and I probably didn't continue to make the positive changes I needed to.
Fast forward to November (2019), and we were just about (finally) to move into the new house. We had spent the last 5 months in hotels and temporary apartments waiting for the house to be ready and getting our son settled in school, and my partner drops the bombshell. I love you but I'm not in love with you. I'm open to sex with other people and not you. I'm 39 and I'm a sexual person - I can't never have sex again. We have drifted apart.
I could not even contemplate how she could even have this conversation with me, given where we were, what we were about to do, and how good we are together. I immediately asked if there was another guy, she said no. I told her she was free to leave but told her that I was sexual too and I wanted exactly what she wanted. I immediately realised I had neglected her sexually and how I had postponed trying to resolve that until we moved. We had a fantastic chat after which she said she thought I would say I felt the same way, that I was only still with her due to the cancer, and that she thought I was already with someone else. But she said hearing me change those perceptions made her feel like it would 'all be OK'.
In subsequent conversations, I pursued the 'sex with other people and not me' part - as that really stung. She said she saw me like a roommate and not sexually, and then I pressed on the 'other people' part. She said she had flirted a bit with some people. I pressed more and more and eventually she confessed that she had kissed another guy months before we moved. Even in these conversations, she felt alien to me. Despite our issues sexually and lack of emotional connection that had happened - there had never been an issue with seeing each other sexually and it felt to me that she must not be thinking logically to be prepared to have such a brutal conversation which could easily have led to me saying 'OK, then I have to leave'. We had our son, his school, our house, lots of reasons to at least give the relationship a chance before abandoning it, and we have always been fantastic together.
Anyway, what followed is 3 months of me showing exactly how sexual I was, how affectionate I was, educating myself - reading books like love languages (hers is physical touch), doing everything I should have been. I honestly wasn't even trying - this is the guy I actually am. I had just been unleashed after years of bad habits. However, she wasn't receptive. Whatever I did which she had been longing for before, just seemed to make her angry. She kept on saying 'you're doing 10 things I always wanted and I only ever needed 1 or 2, but now I'm not ready to receive it'. I figured it would take time to rebuild the trust and break down the walls. I sent her all kinds of articles on how the feelings can be rekindled - she barely read any or if she did, it was way later. Her heart didn't seem in it.
Anyway, now I know why. After ignoring her for 3 months, the guy she kissed messaged her again and the extent of that relationship started to become clear. Last week, I discovered that they have had sex, and that she in particular has told him how she is crazy in love with him. She must have declared her love for him in a long message (in the same way she did to me) after sex, and he ignored her for 3 months after. After 1 month of being ignored and that destroying her, she looked around to see what else she had. She looked at me, and compared her feelings for this guy to me. During this time she rationalized what she had done by telling herself I must feel the same, that I was with other people and/or only still with her due to the cancer. That's when she had the chat with me and at that point wanted to be single if the relationship with the other guy didn't work out. She still maintains she was angry that she had to have that conversation and not me.
But then she went on a 3 month limerent spiral of depression at not having the reciprocation she craved. All my behaviors of becoming 'super husband' and suddenly sexual, and her complete lack of interest, suddenly make sense. Once he finally replies 3 months later, she snaps right back into the state we were when she first told me, becomes cold and distant, and admits to me that she wants to meet him and may want to pursue a relationship. I have caught her sexting him (very graphically) and planning to meet him for further sex and for big conversations about a relationship - and all this within the context of wanting to work on our relationship, to 'prioritise' our relationship, and to give us a chance. At this point (last Sunday), I moved out and have not been contacting her since.
Right now, I know she is trying to escalate with him on a daily basis. Probably from sexting to phone calls, to pictures, maybe to video at some point. Her entire emotional state is dependent on whether he replies or not. She is incredibly unstable with massive ups and downs, she's not rational, she can't be reasoned with, he's a chemical high for her and it's all she's focused on. Every day is about getting a bigger high, or matching the previous one. As a result, ever since this happened our son has been having major issues in school (she is unable to keep her composure with him when he's difficult). After I moved out this week, the issue has become even more severe.
I have seen the affair partner, and she is 100% affairing down. Not only physically and looks wise, but career wise and even language wise (couldn't really be much worse). Not only that, he's probably in a marriage already and he lives in a different country, and she can't see how completely uninterested he is in her as a person, her well-being, and purely interested in sex. Even ignoring her for 3 months didn't wake her to that. She is living in a deluded fantasy. I understand why she was so vulnerable to this. She was burned out due to the cancer, issues with our son, and depression. She was neglected in our relationship. And the lack of a job meant she had absolutely no source of self-validation for years. This entire infatuation is about validating herself through reciprocation from this guy. I think the guy himself is irrelevant. The strength of the limerence is directly proportional to her vulnerability, not the guy.
So that brings us to now, I'm away and not in touch. She knows that if we split I will not remain friends with her, and she knows that since I am the only source of income, she will end up with our son full time (me every other weekend). She knows we will lose the house and likely the private school, she'll have to find a job and will struggle financially in a way she never had to with me. Right now, with me away, she's having a preview of exactly what that will feel like. That's not why I'm doing it, I am away in order to prevent me saying something to her that I can never take back.
I read all the threads from Sandi and I have to say, particularly the list describing the Walkaway Wife - is so accurate it's scary. Reading that I realised exactly what I've been dealing with all this time and how I never had any chance. The woman I fell in love with is not there any more. She was the person with more integrity than anyone I ever met. Now, she's behaving like a horny, rebellious, immoral adolescent chasing a high.
Ironically, I'm probably doing the best thing right now by having left the house and not contacting, and actually considering leaving for the first time (I think being prepared to actually do this is important). I'm providing a preview of what life without me would be like, albeit she is still in the brand new house which wouldn't be the case. I've also made it clear that I will in no way facilitate her meeting up with the other man, and that if she does (which will 100% end up with sex), then there will be no coming back.
Any thoughts on any of this and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome and sorry you're here. FTR, your sitch sounds a lot like mine! Except our marriage was the trigger that took us from a very fulfilling couple in all the ways couples are fulfilled, to the dynamic you are no experiencing.
Anyway, what followed is 3 months of me showing exactly how sexual I was, how affectionate I was, educating myself - reading books like love languages (hers is physical touch), doing everything I should have been. I honestly wasn't even trying - this is the guy I actually am. I had just been unleashed after years of bad habits. However, she wasn't receptive. Whatever I did which she had been longing for before, just seemed to make her angry. She kept on saying 'you're doing 10 things I always wanted and I only ever needed 1 or 2, but now I'm not ready to receive it'. I figured it would take time to rebuild the trust and break down the walls. I sent her all kinds of articles on how the feelings can be rekindled - she barely read any or if she did, it was way later. Her heart didn't seem in it.
MRs are like a car. Cars require routine maintenance. Tire rotation. Oil changes. Transmissions flushes. Air filter change. WHen you do the routine maintenance, the car will run in tiptop shape. But when you fail to do the routine maintenance, then you'll have a major breakdown. Once you have a major breakdown, doing the routine maintenance becomes useless. When the engine blows, changing the oil will be a waste of time and effort.
You reacted to her blown engine by trying to change her oil.
Last edited by Steve85; 01/30/2008:26 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It sounds like you have a good understanding of what you are dealing with. Most guys here take to long to figure out what is truly going on. there is almost always more going on that we we think.
During this phase of the process, it is important to protect. Protect yourself. Protect your children. Protect your relationship with your children. Protect your family. This includes protecting your W from threats.
My advise is move back into the home. There are so many reason why this is the thing to do. I believe the number one reason is for your relationship with your child.
I do plan on moving back to the home, but in 2-3 weeks.
I still have to process finding out about the sexual affair, the graphic sexting, and the plan to meet him in 2 weeks to do the same again.
I also have an issue with taking time off work to be home so that she can go and sleep with the other guy. In fact I have already told her that I'm not prepared to do that. I really think it's important to enforce that boundary and not back down. Otherwise all of my boundaries are meaningless.
To me it is completely unacceptable to be in a home together with the pretense of working on the relationship yet taking any available moment to plan further betrayal. I still don't quite know how to get past that one.
To me it is completely unacceptable to be in a home together with the pretense of working on the relationship yet taking any available moment to plan further betrayal. I still don't quite know how to get past that one.
You are absolutely correct, except... it definitely should not be you to be the one leaving the marital home/house. She's the one who wants to step outside of and/or leave the marriage to have relations with another man... so she should be the one to leave. Read Sandi2's rules... if you harbor any hopes of eventually reconciling your MR, your W will have to get to a point where she is attracted to you, and she will never be attracted to you if she does not respect you. You abandoning the home and running off to hide/mope/avoid/whatever while she plays around in your marital home, in addition to possibly severely harming your legal rights depending on where you live, is not going to earn back any of her respect. So you need to reclaim the house and MBR and make it clear that she is not welcome there as long as she is playing around. Can you actually kick or force her out? No.... but you have just as much a right legally and a far superior right morally to be in that house, and you can make it very clear she is not welcome there as long as she is cheating on you. If nothing else, she will have to leave so she can have time with OM. At any rate, now is not the time to be running away.
In my case, I did actually walk away and leave the house for a couple of weeks, but it was part of a structured enforcement of my boundaries and me giving her a week to vacate the premises with me having made crystal clear to her that I would be returning in 10 days and didn't want to see her there.. Again, i couldn't force her, but that's what I told her-- had things gone otherwise and had my MC/IC not brokered a meet-up that eventually turned into reconcilliation/piecing I would have returned home to House/MBR and lived my life as if she was not there. If she was comfortable with that, it would have been her choice, but i imagine she would have elected to leave.
In sum: Don't abandon the marital home. Doing so can vacate your legal rights and DEFINITELY makes you look weak.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Thanks for your comment and I completely agree. I haven't moved out as such, I went away after finding out some really bad things so that I wouldn't lash out and do irreparable damage to her and the relationship.
When I go back I think I will be asking her to move out, for the reasons you describe. I can actually force the issue for a technical reason which is also why I'm not damaging my legal rights. For all intents and purposes I'm on a business trip right now (which I do all the time anyway).
Have any of you found that during this process, you have lost respect for your WW?
Not only because of their irrational, emotional behaviour, but because of how they desperately chase the other man and are blind to him taking advantage of them. Watching them is like watching a love-struck teenager chase the 'bad boy' at school. Only it's not even the bad boy - it's the desperate guy who hasn't made friends yet.
Once you accept that you've already lost the woman you loved (before you even knew about it), it's very easy to separate the historical attachment and respect, and what are you left with?
