Thanks Steve85. I am gone for 3 more weeks over seas, so I have to wait to get back and use the books I ordered. I am diligently using this forum for many tools, suggestions, list and experience. Before this forum I was self counseling for several years, and Google was throwing me into the abyss through different forums, threads, suggestions. This site makes sense. So many things hit the nail on the head. And my IC I did years ago focused on me, but never focused on what I did to her, which was significant. So, thanks to this forum, in so many ways..
One thing I have a bad habit of doing is analyzing. It will send me down a rabbit hole for one idea that seems interesting.. In my opinion, knowledge is power. If something could be done, I want to know. I am understanding to a much more detailed degree, as to what she went through to become a walkaway spouse.. I get it.. I think that helps me validate things to a finer degree. I have validated, but never really told her for over 3 plus years. I am too passive, and was just letting her find herself, thinking all would be good. Boy was I wrong..
I don't disagree that knowledge is power. You should try to know as much as you can, WITHOUT breaking DBing rules (IE pressure and pursuit).
However, what you did or didn't do in the past is irrelevant. All that matters is what you do from this point forward. As LBSs we always want to find the cause, so that we can fix it. There is nothing you can do to fix it. LBSs always feel a compunction to act. We call it the illusion of action. 9 times out of 10 the best thing you can do is to do nothing. Cadet likes to say to look at doing nothing as doing something. Sometimes flipping it on its head like that helps.
The more you give her time and space, back off and just DB (GAL, 180, detach) the better chance you will have at turning your sitch around. It is hard because it is counter-intuitive. As men every fiber of our being tells us that in order to fix things we have to act. But the divorce courts of full of couples where the guy tried to "act" his way out of the D. It just doesn't work the vast majority of the time.
Trust the process.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Trust the process, true.. Once I get going , one thing I am not sure, and I will read it, is what to do once she starts coming around. If it happens, I dont want to ruin it..
Trust the process, true.. Once I get going , one thing I am not sure, and I will read it, is what to do once she starts coming around. If it happens, I dont want to ruin it..
Good question here! Because we see this mistake A LOT from LBS. When she starts coming around.....YOU KEEP DBING. So many LBSs see their spouse come sniffing around and default back to the intuitive actions: pressure and pursuit. Read the distance/pursuit dynamic thread. When she starts coming around....don't stop what brung ya! You keep GAL. Your 180s. And remaining healthily, lovingly detached (Google: self-differentiation in marriage for an idea of what this should look like even in a healthy marriage!)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Trust the process, true.. Once I get going , one thing I am not sure, and I will read it, is what to do once she starts coming around. If it happens, I dont want to ruin it..
You need to stop thinking about it. It's only going to slow down your progress. You're getting ahead of yourself and planning for something that may not happen. Detach. Focus on you and your self growth. True detachment is not worrying about if she will come back or how you will handle it if she does. True detachment is knowing that you'll be fine either way. Once you reach that point, the chance of her returning are much higher. You've got a ways to go yet. Worry about that hurdle when you get there. Like they say on here, when she is truly ready to R, you will know. And you won't have to worry about ruining it because she will be willing to do anything to make things right. The ball will be in your court. The problem with a lot of LBS is more often than not, they ruin any chance they have by trying not to ruin any chance they may have. Drop the rope/expectations, GAL, stick to your 180's, and let her come back when she's ready...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Trust the process, true.. Once I get going , one thing I am not sure, and I will read it, is what to do once she starts coming around. If it happens, I dont want to ruin it..
You need to stop thinking about it. It's only going to slow down your progress. You're getting ahead of yourself and planning for something that may not happen. Detach. Focus on you and your self growth. True detachment is not worrying about if she will come back or how you will handle it if she does. True detachment is knowing that you'll be fine either way. Once you reach that point, the chance of her returning are much higher. You've got a ways to go yet. Worry about that hurdle when you get there. Like they say on here, when she is truly ready to R, you will know. And you won't have to worry about ruining it because she will be willing to do anything to make things right. The ball will be in your court. The problem with a lot of LBS is more often than not, they ruin any chance they have by trying not to ruin any chance they may have. Drop the rope/expectations, GAL, stick to your 180's, and let her come back when she's ready...
True, very true. Its been so long that I found something that makes sense.. Just feeling good about going forward, and I know I need to stop dwelling on the past and what may happen..
I went 2 days without texting or emailing her, but texted her and said Good Morning, how ya doing.. Then we talked about a few things unrelated to us or our situation via text, as I am overseas. It wasnt real difficult.. I do see, after reading how DBusting works and many threads on tactics, that she did the 180 for some time on me and was GAL, but it was for her, not to reconcile with me.. After her EA thing, and me finding out, everything came to light on us.. But, now, I need to as what is being suggested here. Its made her a somewhat stronger more independent woman. I am very independent, but still have havent fully accepted the marriage as dissolving yet.
I went 2 days without texting or emailing her, but texted her and said Good Morning, how ya doing.. Then we talked about a few things unrelated to us or our situation via text, as I am overseas. It wasnt real difficult.. I do see, after reading how DBusting works and many threads on tactics, that she did the 180 for some time on me and was GAL, but it was for her, not to reconcile with me.. After her EA thing, and me finding out, everything came to light on us.. But, now, I need to as what is being suggested here. Its made her a somewhat stronger more independent woman. I am very independent, but still have havent fully accepted the marriage as dissolving yet.
Not sure I am following this. She is the one DBing?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I went 2 days without texting or emailing her, but texted her and said Good Morning, how ya doing.. Then we talked about a few things unrelated to us or our situation via text, as I am overseas. It wasnt real difficult.. I do see, after reading how DBusting works and many threads on tactics, that she did the 180 for some time on me and was GAL, but it was for her, not to reconcile with me.. After her EA thing, and me finding out, everything came to light on us.. But, now, I need to as what is being suggested here. Its made her a somewhat stronger more independent woman. I am very independent, but still have havent fully accepted the marriage as dissolving yet.
Not sure I am following this. She is the one DBing?
Actually this is fairly common occurrence for them to detach and get out and get a life.
