That makes sense... So many dynamics happening.. Hard to understand sometimes, especially when I dont have the book on hand.. I will soon. Only positive thing we have going on is we are amicable, and she actually stated she has noticed changes for the positive.. Other than, its a long journey. WIsh we had seen, or she had seen, divorce busting and got us both involved in solving our marriage issues and realized it was solvable.[/quote]
Since You don't have the book, I see you mention her noticing your changes. That's great! However, one thing that is key to DBing is you don't break two principles:
1) Never ever point out to her directly, "Look at the changes I am making!" 2) Never purposely demonstrate your changes to her. (IE, just make them part of who you are and she will take note).[/quote] Makes sense. She made comment that she noticed the changes and what caused those changes.. It was the birth of my grand baby, who is 3 years old last month.. And she has just recently had a co worker die that has known our family for about 10 years. That hit her hard, and she is saying its time to start living ( not focusing on work so much), and appreciating things more as you never know when you are going to pass. He and his wife live down the street. Cancer, very sad.. Good guy. Life throws some curves at ya.. Family is definitely the priority.
Question on no contact and lettering her initiate cinversations. Will it work if she doesnt find you attractive and is emotionally detached, so she has said?
Question on no contact and lettering her initiate cinversations. Will it work if she doesnt find you attractive and is emotionally detached, so she has said?
I'm not sure what you mean by will it "work", it depends on what your expectations are. There are no tricks or quick fixes here. "No contact" isn't a technique to get her back right away. It's to help you detach and GAL and give her time and space while you work on yourself. It's also to help her learn to miss you. But you can't try it for a day or two and then start pursuing again, when you do that you reset the clock to zero. Many, MANY LBS's have done exactly that. "I'm no contact and it's not working, I started Saturday and didn't send anything for three days, then sent her four emails and 3 texts Tuesday and she didn't reply to any of them, so yeah no contact is a failure." No contact means NO CONTACT, PERIOD. For months and months and months until you don't even want to contact her anymore. Impatience derails more LBS's efforts than anything else.
Okay, I dont think i can do that. We have too many issues we deal with such as kids, grand kids and some medical issues with one daughter too.. I guess, I will just get a life, work on self, and if she notices it more and likes what she see, maybe, just maybe things will work out..... I have allot of patience, with the exception of analyzing. I have a bad habit of thinking too much, even when working etc...The past is the past, and I dont want to repeat the past, but some things require the pain to be worked on..
Okay, I dont think i can do that. We have too many issues we deal with such as kids, grand kids and some medical issues with one daughter too.. I guess, I will just get a life, work on self, and if she notices it more and likes what she see, maybe, just maybe things will work out..... I have allot of patience, with the exception of analyzing. I have a bad habit of thinking too much, even when working etc...The past is the past, and I dont want to repeat the past, but some things require the pain to be worked on..
I think you are missing the point. No contact never includes contact about logistics. "So-and-so has a Dr's appointment today." isn't the same as "Hey, hon, I thought maybe we could go to dinner tonight!"
Lots of LBSs with kids get that mixed up. Keep your communications to her business like. Keep it about the kids. The minute it starts to sway from business and logistics, you end: "Sorry, really busy, I will make sure so-and-so gets to their Dr's appoinment."
If she contacts you not about logistics, follows the typical rules:
1) Don't answer phone calls. IF she calls, follow up with a text: "Sorry, I was busy couldn't answer. What did you need?" If it is business and logistics, handle it concisely and quickly. If it isn't, and she texts back an informational text about anything else, do not respond. If she asks a direct question, answer her in as short of an answer as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. If she is trying to pin you down on something especially R related, remember to defer: "Sorry, can't answer that right now, I need some time as there is a lot to consider."
Can you go NC with kids? Absolutely. NC still counts if you keep communications about the kids.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She and I have discussed my failures in the marriage, and hers. She has forgiven me for all but one.. So she says.
Curious as to what this one thing is, if you don't mind sharing...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
She and I have discussed my failures in the marriage, and hers. She has forgiven me for all but one.. So she says.
Curious as to what this one thing is, if you don't mind sharing...
She feels that the choices my oldest daughter made was due to my verbal abuse as a teenager.. My oldest made some poor choices, drugs etc. But, one thing that happened was a broken jaw( skateboard accident), which caused her to be dependent on some heavy drugs that were given to her for pain. And after her jaw was unwired, the Rx ran out, and well, she chose poorly.. Not totally my fault or hers, but she made poor choices, and we as parents didnt recognize what was going on. I know what my wife is saying. My daughter and I get along very well now. She has forgiven me. Allot of it has to do with our mutual connection, her daughter/my granddaughter... Its bonded us very well..
I do believe my wife. She is a straight shooter. But, she is also non confrontational. She will avoid conflict, of which I was the opposite for a long time. I avoid it too, as it just isnt something worth it anymore, being right, or for whatever reason..I would rather be happy, compromise etc with my wife..Be an adult about things.. I know she has a hardened heart, is not trusting her heart with me, angry and just doesnt want to trust anyone to the degree of how vulnerable she was when we married. Terrifies her, as she is fearful of a repeat. We have talked. Without counseling , it took years from her first marriage to accept someone in her life.
