Gift #3

[Yail]

A note on eating -

Like most folks here, I had a period of being unable to eat. I lost 15 lbs which is a lot for me. I was nauseous all the time, holding my stomach, trying to keep food down. Dizzy, agita.

We can't fight it all, but food is one thing we can control in caring for ourselves. Do your very best to try to eat something - even something small - regularly. At this point it barely matters if it's healthy as long as it's food. When we stop eating all together it kicks off a really bad chain reaction of nausea which perpetuates the non-eating. Then it messes with our stomach/gut. You know the drill. It's hard to recover from.

It's awful and I know it. Eating when not hungry is no fun. But do try because it's one way we can actively take control over our emotions and keep our blood sugar stable, and our energy stable and our organs in working order.

I had the flu last week and food just looked unappetizing despite my stomach being otherwise unaffected by the illness.But that nauseous feeling was with me for a week and it took me right back to when I was not eating due to my sitch. It takes a long time to get back on track, and that reminder was unwelcomed.

[Core]

U, man, I get why you'd head over to others boards with all you got going on. Just wanted to chime in myself and say that reading your sitch and how you're getting through anxiety is helping me and likely others with theirs as well.

I hope no matter what, you keep the hard earned changes you've achieved and find happiness.

[IHCLACS]

I get severely depressed, headaches, unmotivated, lethargic and hungry if I don't eat every 3 hours. Your thoughts at least for me, do change when your body doesn't feel 100% You feel less capable, less motivated, lose cognition. So yes to all please force yourself to eat if you have to. Every 3 hours have a light picking of something of substance and healthy. Your brain stomach muscles, and mood will thank you for it.

[unchien]

I won't go into the physical symptoms I experience with anxiety, but yes, eating is hard, sleeping is hard. Exercise would help with both areas, but it's hard to exercise when you feel lousy. Chicken, egg.

[may22]

I do the seven minute exercise app. No excuses because it literally only takes 7 minutes but that is 7 minutes not thinkin about your sitch and getting your blood flowing and your muscles stronger. Definitely recommend! Also, drink a TON of water.

Hang in there. Is there anything else you can do just to escape for a little, like go to a movie?

[unchien]

Thanks may for the idea. I went to 2 movies this weekend - so much better than streaming at home, it was a great break.

A year ago, I would be in more of an emotional tail-spin than I am today. I am still struggling, though. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. I have a lot to work through in IC and on my own.

My big decision is whether to stick with the private mediation process or not. I know in my heart what I should do. I'm not naive. I know it will be a massive BD into my situation if I go that route, because I have been so timid with my W during our separation about communicating what I want (for good reason IMO).

I also know what the easy decision would be. I know why some fathers accept the every-other-weekend situation when they would rather have more of a 50-50 split... it can be the easy choice, the choice that avoids ugliness, the choice that appears easier on the kids and their mother. Things seem pleasant lately.

I have fears: Fear that I am going to be up on a stand in a courtroom, being pressed by an attorney aiming for my jugular. Fear that my W will go into a tail-spin and my kids will suffer. Fear that I am not truly ready for what I think I want.

Fear that I am making the wrong choice. Always that fear. Fear that I am hurting others by either being decisive or indecisive. No matter what I choose, it seems unavoidable.

Analysis paralysis is my MO. One reason I tout meditation here is that it is runs completely against the idea of thinking through your problems. I've been trying to think through my problems all my life. It's time to go with my heart and my gut. But I've always lacked self-confidence in my feelings, so this is difficult for me. I grew up in a household where my feelings were ignored, where my M's feelings ruled the day and everyone tiptoed around trying to placate her and avoid her moodiness. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust other people, but I also don't trust my feelings. Meditation has given me a tiny seed of confidence, and I hope with time that seed grows.

I'm not the only poster here to talk about the impact of CEN as an adult. I can so easily subjugate my own feelings and just "go along" with whatever somebody else wants. Heck I don't even know what I want sometimes.

Thank you for reading.

[IronWill]

A year ago, I would be in more of an emotional tail-spin than I am today. I am still struggling, though. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. I have a lot to work through in IC and on my own.

Right there with you, U. I'm still reading, even though I've pulled back a bit from posting. Still very low but still fighting. Keep going, man.

My big decision is whether to stick with the private mediation process or not. I know in my heart what I should do. I'm not naive. I know it will be a massive BD into my situation if I go that route, because I have been so timid with my W during our separation about communicating what I want (for good reason IMO).

I also know what the easy decision would be. I know why some fathers accept the every-other-weekend situation when they would rather have more of a 50-50 split... it can be the easy choice, the choice that avoids ugliness, the choice that appears easier on the kids and their mother. Things seem pleasant lately.

Maybe do a pros and cons list for every decision. Write it down on paper - you've got the time to think about it, may as well use it. Then you'll be at least somewhat prepared and maybe it'll help slow down some of the spinning.

I have fears: Fear that I am going to be up on a stand in a courtroom, being pressed by an attorney aiming for my jugular. Fear that my W will go into a tail-spin and my kids will suffer. Fear that I am not truly ready for what I think I want.

Fear that I am making the wrong choice. Always that fear. Fear that I am hurting others by either being decisive or indecisive. No matter what I choose, it seems unavoidable.

Something will happen, no matter what. Sometimes not doing anything is just as effective as doing something, especially if you are not sure what you want or need to do.

Analysis paralysis is my MO. One reason I tout meditation here is that it is runs completely against the idea of thinking through your problems. I've been trying to think through my problems all my life. It's time to go with my heart and my gut. But I've always lacked self-confidence in my feelings, so this is difficult for me. I grew up in a household where my feelings were ignored, where my M's feelings ruled the day and everyone tiptoed around trying to placate her and avoid her moodiness. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust other people, but I also don't trust my feelings. Meditation has given me a tiny seed of confidence, and I hope with time that seed grows.

I'm not the only poster here to talk about the impact of CEN as an adult. I can so easily subjugate my own feelings and just "go along" with whatever somebody else wants. Heck I don't even know what I want sometimes.

We are very similar in this regard - we had similar upbringings. I unwittingly continued with my childhood development patterns right up into my MR. I didn't even know I was doing it. But I can't go back and change it, and I wasn't that way because I wanted to be that way. Neither were you. How could we, if we didn't realize that's how we were?

Trusting people right now is at an all time low. That is by necessity I think. When the person closest to you, who you trusted the most, drops that kind of bomb on you, it sends you into a tailspin. That's normal. So then we pull way back and reassess.

A lot of my preconceived notions about humans - male and female - are getting a serious rethink here. I think that's also why the vet DBers here reiterate to focus on yourself so much. It makes sense now - if you cannot trust anyone other than yourself, and you are even doubting your own self now due to the BD - then it is essential that you pare everything down to the simplest possible thing and the only thing you have control over - yourself.

The only way through this is through it.

Take care man - stay strong

[unchien]

I am feeling at wit's end.

Mediation session #2 is upcoming.

W has asked to put one of the kids in an expensive activity next school year. I feel like she uses the kids' activity schedules as an excuse to withhold parenting time. She has not demonstrated any plan to return to work more than one day per week which is unrealistic. She asked for extra money for spring break travel with the kids. We are overspending by a ton, and I feel like I deserve more time with the kids. Everything is so frustrating... I don't express this to her in any way. I get that she doesn't have work, doesn't know where she is going to live if the house has to sell, but I also need to live my life. I am compassionate, but I need to be self-compassionate also.

That, and when I do stand up and request increased parenting time, she alludes to things she is not comfortable texting about, or that we need to discuss with legal advisors. I think this is a huge red flag. Plus, I don't think it creates a fair negotiation atmosphere.

I don't know... I wonder if anyone has successfully mediated in a situation like mine...

The options are not great.

1) Continue with mediation and accept that incremental progress is going to take a long time, and will assuredly end with less than 50-50 parenting long-term. My W will be more "amicable". Mediation is not cheap, and will take a long time.

2) File. Have someone else help me deal with some of this stress so I can focus on self-care, work, and the kids. My W will likely have a very strong reaction, accuse me of giving up on mediation, not being amicable, etc. It might be a very difficult few months or year. Face whatever she wants to accuse me of -- the worst case outcome is probably the same as #1, and best case is much better.

Filing doesn't mean (to me) going to court. The L's can still hash it out, or we can do shuttle mediation with the L's. I just don't think my W and I 1:1 are going to mediate an outcome that I am willing to accept.

3) ??

[may22]

Hi U,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I obviously have zero experience here and hopefully folks who have gone through D/mediation/custody issues can chime in. That being said, here are some questions to take or leave:

-- IIRC, you did have some vets chime in a while back, who basically said lawyer up and hold on to you hat because this isn't going to be pretty. If you received similar advice right now, what would your reaction be?
-- Do you need to decide about the expensive after school activity now? Can you just say I don't think it is an appropriate time to be making these decisions until we figure out what is going on with money and schedules?
-- is she taking the kids on spring break without you?
--Can you wait until after the next mediation session to make up your mind? Are there certain things you might watch for specifically that could help you make up your mind? Not having been through these I don't know what it is like, but I'm wondering if you can state up front that you're concerned about the pace of progress and how very far apart you are, and that for you to feel safe about continuing in the process (since she's throwing around that kind of language, fair game for you too) you'd like to see some progress on one element so that you can trust she's open to true compromise?
--Have you been able to say what you want yet in meditation, or was it just her saying what she wanted and you listening?

As an outsider, my impression is this:

That, and when I do stand up and request increased parenting time, she alludes to things she is not comfortable texting about, or that we need to discuss with legal advisors. I think this is a huge red flag. Plus, I don't think it creates a fair negotiation atmosphere.

I agree. This is a huge red flag.

2) File. Have someone else help me deal with some of this stress so I can focus on self-care, work, and the kids. My W will likely have a very strong reaction, accuse me of giving up on mediation, not being amicable, etc. It might be a very difficult few months or year. Face whatever she wants to accuse me of -- the worst case outcome is probably the same as #1, and best case is much better.

Filing doesn't mean (to me) going to court. The L's can still hash it out, or we can do shuttle mediation with the L's. I just don't think my W and I 1:1 are going to mediate an outcome that I am willing to accept.

It sounds like you've thought this through pretty well, and the fact that the worst case outcome of #2 is the same as #1 makes it seem like not too difficult of a choice. And truly, will the time be more difficult than what you're doing now? It also has the potential of speeding up the pace of this as you might need to get to this point anyway. And the shuttle mediation or the Ls hashing it out seems like a good option. I think you are much better served with someone 100% on your side that knows your rights inside and out and can help you stand up for what is best for you and the kids. And, she needs someone by her side just as much to help her see what is and is not realistic. Good lawyers who aren't in this for the money will do their best to avoid going to court, and have seen it all... they'll also have advice on what they've seen that is more or less difficult for the children.

In terms of your W... I feel a bit as though she's a wild animal and you're circling her, giving in to her little demands (though not happy about it), testing her, wondering if you just do X or do Y she'll calm down and eat from your hand or go through the gate you want her to go or whatever. (Bad analogy, I know.) But... you can't control her and you definitely can't control whatever she has built up inside her head. You can file, you can not, you can give in to spring break, you can not... but ultimately, I doubt that anything you do will materially affect her thinking and behaviors. You need to figure out what is best for YOU and then just do it. If she flips that is on her and you couldn't have prevented it.

In honor of... I think it was Yail, who pointed out that the third, unknown option always ends up what happens... I think you are someone who *is* always open to the unknown and I would just encourage you to remain open to the possibilities as they may arise. And, trust yourself. You'll make the best decision you can, in the best interests of your kids and yourself, and with compassion for your W. That is a good thing.

[Yail]

unchien, your note about understanding why some fathers settle for less than 50-50 was eye opening to me.It is very much not a perspective I had heard before. Thank you for sharing it, I think you hit on something key. I feel it will serve me well in my future to be more understanding and supportive of this fact.

I am compassionate, but I need to be self-compassionate also.

Yes, yes yes. I hear you. This is such a delicate balance.

That, and when I do stand up and request increased parenting time, she alludes to things she is not comfortable texting about, or that we need to discuss with legal advisors. I think this is a huge red flag. Plus, I don't think it creates a fair negotiation atmosphere.

Without knowing your W or really understanding your dynamic I wish to play devil's advocate on this part, just to see if it resonates with you. It sounds from this paragraph that perhaps W is getting legal advice that she shouldn't put anything in writing (text included) unless formally negotiated. This is self-protection, and isn't necessarily the worst stance for her to take. It sounds less like an offensive move, and more like a defensive move. Is that possible?

for context on why I say this, I had a non-combative D. XW and I did not fight over things, but still I would not put anything in email/text/writing. I just wouldn't do it in case anything turned sour later and she chose to use it against me. Perhaps this is W's thinking as well - just being extra cautious?


I appreciate you having an option #3 with a question mark. I don't know what that one is either. But I'm sure there is a viable option that lives there as well.

From your options I can't say what I would suggest. It's a tough call, and honestly filled with nuance to the timing and how you and W communicate and what your limits are. I hope you are able to focus on getting the care you need during the process that will take far to long, no matter what course you choose.