As a review, I've been married for 23 years. Three children. My husband had a 2 year A with a good friend of mine. It's been three years since then. I didn't find DR right away so I made all the mistakes you can imagine. He has put up an emotional wall with me since Thanksgiving when he said he felt like we needed to divorce because there wasn't an emotional connection. He was disappointed when I didn't agree to the easy, let's do it together, amicable divorce fantasy. He has a fear of being the bad guy. I have received some great support here and have been doing my best to not talk about the MR, R, or anything else. Trying to GAL. I've been doing really well.
But today is so hard, and I need help with my discouragement. I am really, really sick. I am on antibiotics and in bed. And I am feeling my loneliness acutely right now. I just wish I had someone who cared about me and would take care of me. He is here, but been downstairs or with the kids, and I have been taking care of myself. I am just exhausted and so sick. I had a severe kidney infection and it has kicked my tail. I've been taking care of myself, getting water, making food, doing the dishes because they piled up.
So I kind of lost my DB cool. I mentioned my frustration with needing help. I told him I know he doesn't like to be around me or touch me, but it really reminded me that I have no friends here (We moved here). No one to care about me or take care of me. Yes, I know, I blew it and said all the wrong things. He got so mad at me. He said he was giving me space and said I was hurling some heavy accusations at him. All while not coming near me. Compassion and empathy have never been strengths for him, which he would acknowledge. I told him I was sorry and cried, said I just didn't feel well, and he didn't touch me and sat there. So he has offered to go get some food for me and it being more friendly.
I know he cannot handle me having emotions. When he told me about his affair and I would cry at any time near him, he would get so angry and tell me I was just doing that to punish him. I had zero spine or knowledge back then, so I would make sure I did it alone. I know he still has anger toward me.
He hasn't bought divorce up again. I have no idea why, and haven't romanticized the reason. Not feeling well just brings up all my loneliness and the sadness and fear. I just feel so hungry for affection right now. I realize I sound completely pathetic, but it is what it is. I hate this situation so much. I hate that I have to live this. I hate that I feel like I have no options. I am a stay at home mom and do not work, so I can't support myself right now. And I love being with my kids.
Being sick just causes me to feel so vulnerable and discouraged. I just want to lean against him and feel loved.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
(((Oceangirl))) This kind of a situation is tough enough as it is without adding sickness to it. I wish I had a solution to what ails you but sadly, I do not. Just know that there are many of us on this board who have been there and are sending you positive healing thoughts and are happy to have you lean on us.
Reading your words really hit home for me. I remember just how miserable and hopeless I felt when I was in your position. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. It felt like it was never going to end and the only thing that kept me going, really, were my beautiful kids...and this board. Keep posting...it does help. I go back and read my posts from when I first joined and it is amazing how far I have come, sometimes in spite of myself. I know it feels like the pain is never ending, limbo is the worst, but it does get better with time.
Don’t beat yourself up for your outburst. It happens to the best of us. You are dealing with a lot. Be kind to yourself.
Ocean, yes, as DejaVu said, it is hard enough already. Sickness amplifies everything. Please do give yourself a break for losing your cool—you are human and hurting! I wish I could bring you some warm tea or cool water or whatever sounds good right now. Hang in there. You'll get through this.
Thank you both so much for your support and kindness. It honestly brings tears to my eyes. I am so grateful for finding this board. I have found so much wisdom and support.
I am trying to remember there will be really hard days. It's just so sad and so hard. Trying to remember what to be grateful for the good things in my life.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
The universe seeks balance. This will tip the other way at some point. I'm so sorry about what's going on there. I know how much it blows. You have friends here.
The universe seeks balance. This will tip the other way at some point. I'm so sorry about what's going on there. I know how much it blows. You have friends here.
I hope you are right about the universe. It seems like it should be right. I am so grateful for this site right now, and for you. Thanks, Newbie!
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
There is nothing in any way pathetic about wanting to be loved, held, cared for, cherished, respected and so forth. These are instinctive feelings and you should not feel that it is wrong to crave the things that are missing. These are fundamental in a M. - I would guess that many/most of us had something along these lines in our marriage vows? He is failing you, and that’s not fair. It’s ok to lose your cool, you are human, and you have to vent sometimes. Just like a vent in a volcano, you need to let out some of the pressure from inside - it’s natural.
Don’t let him suppress you or make you feel bad about showing emotion. It’s his issue if he cannot deal with it.
Thinking of you, wishing I could do something to make you feel better, or bring you some goodies to cheer you up!! {{{hugs}}}
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
I am so sorry to hear you are sick. Hope you feel better soon. Don't beat yourself up for feeling emotional. I can only imagine how difficult it is to try to DB while sick. It is tough for me to detach and withhold my emotions even when I am well.
Hugs. Feel better soon. You've got this!
Last edited by HesAble; 02/02/2012:05 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
oceangrl- I hope you feel better soon. You will get through this, and you will look back on this time when you were both weak physically and mentally and know that if you could get through that, you can get through anything!! Nobody is 100% strong all the time. We all have our lows. Hugs!
You are stronger than you realize and when you discover this you won’t need to “lean” on anyone. Oh and wait until he finds out how much he’s going to have to pay you now that you won’t agree to his divorce fantasy. Lifetime alimony (probably), child support, etc. so yes the universe will balance things out. I’m seeing this in my own life after my H of 28 years left me for OW. He appears to be living the dream but he’s working 2 jobs, drinking heavily, sneaking around, thinks I don’t know, he’s so stupid. I filed my taxes married filing separately wait till he finds how how much he owes. He’s going to hate me but these are the consequences of screwing over an entire family. He messed with the wrong woman is all I can say.
