Quick recap: My H had a long term affair 3 and 1/2 years ago. The past time has been rough. He has basically been putting his time in so he doesn't feel so bad when he divorces and can say "he tried." He basically tried the way you do the hokey pokey: one foot in and one foot out.
The past months he has been shutting me out. He refused to kiss me for the last year. If we are sitting next to each other he gets on facebook, texts for work, etc.
We have been married for 24 years in May. Three kids.
He had mentioned divorce in November, but yesterday he told me he wanted us to be friends and he wants a divorce. I told him I think what he is doing is wrong. I said he will tell the kids he wants the divorce. There is no "we."
Since then I haven't been able to sleep or eat. I am heartbroken. I've tried so hard. And I am scared. I am a stay at home mom. I haven't worked so he can travel out of town for work and so that my son can act (a parent has to sit with him on set). I am trying to give my situation without too much information.
My DB and GAL efforts may have backfired. He saw my detaching as proof that we are growing farther apart.
Today he asked to go on a walk with me. He told me I have no reason to be scared. In his mind we will be great friends. He said we can talk this through that we can do this together. He said we can't do it alone. He couldn't understand why I am scared of the future.
I do not know how to go on this walk with him. I don't know what to say. I don't want to be friends. He genuinely thinks this will be easy peasy clean and we will raise the kids together. Basically like married people but he can still date other people.
I feel like he is crazy. I don't know what to do or say. I am heartbroken, frightened and alone. I cannot believe he is going to break up our family. He will make me the bad guy for not making this easy and going along with his plans. I have dealt with his emotional abuse for so long (telling me the affair is my fault and then shutting me out -- not talking to me or touching me. I want to ask him when he is moving out but I don't know what is good or bad.
Please help me think clearly.
Last edited by job; 02/16/2010:35 PM. Reason: Merged two threads together.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
I have merged your second and third threads together. Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. Also, you can change your subject line at any time within a thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've been where you are. Trying to make sense of something that's so nuts you can't even get your head around it. There's no easy answer. I wouldn't go on this walk nor would I discuss this any further with him. I would tell him that I completely disagree that a divorce is the right thing to do but that is all you are going to say on the matter. I wouldn't get talked into doing it "amicably" i.e. without attorneys. He has his own business right and has been reasonably successful, right? Then you need have no fear of the future. You'll get half of it and possibly spousal maintenance if he really goes through with it. In my mind, the most important thing to remember is you have more time than you think and to do as little damage as possible to your dignity and self esteem (i.e., no begging, pleading, etc.) In California the waiting period is 6 months and your lawyer can drag it out longer than that. That gives plenty of time for things to happen. Where I am, the waiting period was only 60 days! It was like being on death row.
What I found out is that once mine was out of the house and had to live alone, things started to change. It took quite awhile but actually feeling the loss and living the "fantasy" wasn't nearly as exciting as imagined. I'm not going to pretend it was easy, because it was not. But you can make it and things can turn around. It's just vital that you keep your own counsel and always put your own interests first until things become clearer.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Mine didn't have an affair but the buildup to the bomb drop was several years of uneasy peace and uncomfortable living. If mine can turn around, yours can. Mine was ANGRY at me too.
I've been where you are. Trying to make sense of something that's so nuts you can't even get your head around it. There's no easy answer. I wouldn't go on this walk nor would I discuss this any further with him. I would tell him that I completely disagree that a divorce is the right thing to do but that is all you are going to say on the matter. I wouldn't get talked into doing it "amicably" i.e. without attorneys. He has his own business right and has been reasonably successful, right? Then you need have no fear of the future. You'll get half of it and possibly spousal maintenance if he really goes through with it. In my mind, the most important thing to remember is you have more time than you think and to do as little damage as possible to your dignity and self esteem (i.e., no begging, pleading, etc.) In California the waiting period is 6 months and your lawyer can drag it out longer than that. That gives plenty of time for things to happen. Where I am, the waiting period was only 60 days! It was like being on death row.
What I found out is that once mine was out of the house and had to live alone, things started to change. It took quite awhile but actually feeling the loss and living the "fantasy" wasn't nearly as exciting as imagined. I'm not going to pretend it was easy, because it was not. But you can make it and things can turn around. It's just vital that you keep your own counsel and always put your own interests first until things become clearer.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Mine didn't have an affair but the buildup to the bomb drop was several years of uneasy peace and uncomfortable living. If mine can turn around, yours can. Mine was ANGRY at me too.
Newbie do you have kids? I am so wracked with guilt over that part of it. My poor babies.
I want to ask him today when he is moving out. I am so tired of waiting for him to get around to decide our futures.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
No. And we are older than you. That's what really made it nuts. But kids can make it.
I think that's a good idea to ask when he's moving out. But please, in the name of all that's holy, do NOT get into a relationship talk. Treat him as a friendly adversary. After you have expressed that you do not want a divorce, if he wants to "discuss" it - I'd tell him that you feel at this time that your interests are not aligned and you need some time to yourself to think about things, how you want to proceed, etc.
Anything you can do to delay is good. Your stance is you can't stop what he wants to do but you are not going to do anything to help him.
No. And we are older than you. That's what really made it nuts. But kids can make it.
I think that's a good idea to ask when he's moving out. But please, in the name of all that's holy, do NOT get into a relationship talk. Treat him as a friendly adversary. After you have expressed that you do not want a divorce, if he wants to "discuss" it - I'd tell him that you feel at this time that your interests are not aligned and you need some time to yourself to think about things, how you want to proceed, etc.
Anything you can do to delay is good. Your stance is you can't stop what he wants to do but you are not going to do anything to help him.
Okay, thank you for your advice. Is this the method you used?
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Yep. I did a LOT of research and found some excellent advice in some very unusual places. I wish we could communicate because I'd be happy to share it with you. I will tell you one resource that was very helpful to me was MWD's video series on the Last Resort Technique. It works very well if you follow it and her manner in the videos is very comforting. It's only about $200, I'd buy it and watch it. In fact, it was the first thing I bought when this happened to me.
Let me share with you a post I found on this site that I kept and read over and over. The poster's name is Andrew and the post is pretty old but read it and keep it.
I was pretty close to the brink, well about a week away from it and got to the stage we we had been to court three times, had only talked 4 times in 4 months and hadnt seen each other for 14 months. We are now back together and working through things.
In the end you cannot stop the Divorce if that is what she really wants. I just said this is your you want it I wont stop it but Im not going to help in anyway. We then got bogged down in property settlement issues (that was the 3 court appearances). Through this time I treated the property side as any business arrangement, I wasnt going to give wife stuff in the hope she would come back (this never works by the way). I went completely dark and tried to get a life back. In my case I had completely given up on my marriage which in the end was the thing that made her want to give things antoher go - she realised the finality of it all.
In the end dont freak out, this isnt a good look for you in her eyes. All I can suggest is to concentrate on yourself and detach. I know it is hard it was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. You also have to accept that this is not a 'trick' to get your wife back but is you generally looking at getting on with your life.
My wife and I have talked a lot about what was going on in our minds through the seperation. I was positve through this period that she had written us off, she was not thinking about me and was out having a good time. In fact she was continually thinking about us and working through issues in her mind. Dont believe what they say to you, it is soooo different from what is going on in their minds.
My wife said something to me that was a bit of an eye opener. I did get the ILYBNILWY talk, the trust talk, the change talk ,etc that seem to be a very common thread through most stories on the board. She told me that even through she was saying these things she knew inside that she still loved me, missed me and what we had. She was angry so she would deliberately do things to push my buttons to make me get mad thus reinforcing in her mind that she had made the right decision to walk away. One big word of advice - Never get into an arguement with the WAS about what they have done, never try to change their mind - You will NEVER win - this is something that they have to go through themselves (well in my experience anyway)
I dont think there is any right thing that makes things 'work'. But from what I have seen is the process of detachment, looking after yourself and doing things to make your life good. This does get the WAS thinking and it certainly did in my sitch. In the end for us she made the contact to stop the court case and asked to give it another go and I am very happy that she did.
Yep. I did a LOT of research and found some excellent advice in some very unusual places. I wish we could communicate because I'd be happy to share it with you. I will tell you one resource that was very helpful to me was MWD's video series on the Last Resort Technique. It works very well if you follow it and her manner in the videos is very comforting. It's only about $200, I'd buy it and watch it. In fact, it was the first thing I bought when this happened to me.
me too!! I wish so much we were able to do that. I will see if I can find that money. I have always appreciated her work. As for the post you shared from Andrew, wow. I will read it again and again and try to absorb it.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Maybe email Virginia in the morning and see if they'll give you a discount. I think if you just take that and follow it, and know that your situation is not hopeless and things can change, you will have a plan and having a plan makes things a lot easier. The fact that you haven't demeaned yourself when you were told about this is a huge plus, since you don't have to make that ground back up.
I'm telling you. It can turn around. Mine felt as hopeless as you could ever imagine. It was the same thing. He was done, he was mad at me, he had a fantasy of this great life he was going to have. It didn't happen. The universe has a way of correcting these imbalances if you trust yourself and your intuition.
I feel a mission to help you as much as I can. Silence and keeping your thoughts to yourself are the best things you can do right now.
