Take care of myself, and make sure the road back home is smooth.
You might find - I don't know, only sharing from experience here - that once you work on your own issues - anxious attachment, control (perhaps) and anything else that comes up for you as a result of this journey - you will change, and what your W has to offer you will no longer be something you want. I think that's roughly where I am at in my journey now - and it isn't particularly pleasant. Don't be too surprised if once you've done your own growing, your wife's immaturity becomes more unattractive to you.
I declined going to W's niece birthday party, here's the translated text exchange between us:
Before that, a bit of context: only close family members and friends know of our sitch. Both of us do not want more people to know. We've only been married for two months and if people know that we're heading towards D then they are going to talk. W and her family want to avoid the humility and avoid looking bad. We agreed earlier on during the separation that we'll have to continue to come to family events and pretend everything is normal. As for me, right now, I couldn't care less anymore. People will talk eventually. I am only complying with it all this time to not cause any more stress to W. Fearing it will push her away.
W: What's the plan tomorrow you're going to the birthday? Me: I am not able to come. I'll text [MIL] and [SIL] later and inform them, since they are the ones that invited me. W: Why are you not able to come? W: Haven't updated you. The other people that recently know about our situation is [a few of her uncles and aunts]. That's all. W: and what's with the "since they are the ones that invited me". Were you waiting for me to ask you to come? We agreed earlier to go to all family gatherings. I don't know what is happening with your side of the family because if no one said anything to me then I wouldn't know if there is a family gathering or whatever. Me: I have other plans tomorrow. W: That's what I'm gonna go tell my family? Me: Yes W: Alright
She seemed displeased with me not going. As that would cause her more trouble. But she can manage that on her own *shrugs*
I want to have feedback regarding my responses in this exchange. Is this okay? Or does it seemed to cold?
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
I feel better these past few days compared to last week. Feeling less lonely and was able to focus better on the things in my life and work. Started going to the gym again and had a few outings with friends. I don't get as many headaches from thinking about all of this.
I have all the time in the world right now. Life is quieter, but at least it's peaceful.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
You might find - I don't know, only sharing from experience here - that once you work on your own issues - anxious attachment, control (perhaps) and anything else that comes up for you as a result of this journey - you will change, and what your W has to offer you will no longer be something you want. I think that's roughly where I am at in my journey now - and it isn't particularly pleasant. Don't be too surprised if once you've done your own growing, your wife's immaturity becomes more unattractive to you.
I agree Alison. I get turned off when I think back to all the rejection and cold treatment that W has done to me. And she's still doing it now! It's crazy to think that I was able to put up with all of that before this. I should have been the WAS! lol. If W wants to come back, it has to be better and I should not accept anything less than I deserve.
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
I am contemplating on not wearing the ring during this period of NC with W.
Wearing it might make me look like I am still pursuing W or as me not giving up the pursuit. I do not want that at the moment. I want to erase all signs of pursuit and just be absent during this period.
I remember someone (maybe Steve?) mentioning there are several benefits to keep the ring on. Would someone be willing to share these with me?
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
Those were perfect responses, Funbun. Whether you tell people about your situation or not is up to you. I decided not to speak to his family or mutual friends, but had one or two of my own friends I felt free to confide in. H was very angry and paranoid that I'd been speaking badly about him to mutual friends and acquaintances - but I didn't bother to defend myself or engage with that. I don't know anything about who he has told or what he has told, and I don't ask or think about that too much any more.
As for the ring - well, the benefit to me was in signalling to others - men - that I was married and not available or looking for a sexual or romantic relationship. For me, that would be true no matter what H did up until we were formally divorced. We have a long relationship and the wellbeing of children to consider. In your shoes, I might choose differently. I think the main thing is to suit yourself and your own values here and not make any choice that is about getting a reaction from your W.
I declined going to W's niece birthday party, here's the translated text exchange between us:
Before that, a bit of context: only close family members and friends know of our sitch. Both of us do not want more people to know. We've only been married for two months and if people know that we're heading towards D then they are going to talk. W and her family want to avoid the humility and avoid looking bad. We agreed earlier on during the separation that we'll have to continue to come to family events and pretend everything is normal. As for me, right now, I couldn't care less anymore. People will talk eventually. I am only complying with it all this time to not cause any more stress to W. Fearing it will push her away.
W: What's the plan tomorrow you're going to the birthday? Me: I am not able to come. I'll text [MIL] and [SIL] later and inform them, since they are the ones that invited me. W: Why are you not able to come? W: Haven't updated you. The other people that recently know about our situation is [a few of her uncles and aunts]. That's all. W: and what's with the "since they are the ones that invited me". Were you waiting for me to ask you to come? We agreed earlier to go to all family gatherings. I don't know what is happening with your side of the family because if no one said anything to me then I wouldn't know if there is a family gathering or whatever. Me: I have other plans tomorrow. W: That's what I'm gonna go tell my family? Me: Yes W: Alright
She seemed displeased with me not going. As that would cause her more trouble. But she can manage that on her own *shrugs*
I want to have feedback regarding my responses in this exchange. Is this okay? Or does it seemed to cold?
Fun, I'm giving you a standing ovation here. This. Is. PERFECT!!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am contemplating on not wearing the ring during this period of NC with W.
Wearing it might make me look like I am still pursuing W or as me not giving up the pursuit. I do not want that at the moment. I want to erase all signs of pursuit and just be absent during this period.
I remember someone (maybe Steve?) mentioning there are several benefits to keep the ring on. Would someone be willing to share these with me?
To me it's a matter of principle. You are married, you should wear the symbol of that marriage until such a time that you are no longer married. She is breaking her vows but that doesn't mean you should too. Also it shows others, her included, that you are standing for your marriage.
Finally, it will avoid unwanted attention from the opposite sex. If there is anything worse than relationship issues it is having issues with two relationships! And if you're not ready to move on to another R, and right now you're not, a new R can only result in more issues.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Whoops, just realized that this weekend we have a bunch of events lined up that both W and I need to attend to. How am I going to NC my way through this
(1) W's Cousin's Wedding - a four day event (2) A mutual friend's bridal shower - I am hosting the activities so I kinda have to be there
Planning to skip the wedding entirely. W will be upset, because that would mean she would have to come up with an excuse to make M looks as if it's functioning normally to non-suspecting family members. Not my problem though, she can handle that. I know my parents-in-laws will be disappointed if I don't go. It breaks my heart to disappoint them, since they have been kind and supportive, but this is what I have to do.
I guess I'll go to the Bridal Shower, out of necessity. They need me there to run the event. Also, they are my friends too. I do not want to give up spending time with them just because W will be there. W will probably request that we go together (one car) to make it not look conspicuous to friends. I'll leave that to her choice.
She will probably text me what my plans are for these events, I'll just say:
"I would love to go, but given our current situation, it's best that I don't. But I will go to the bridal shower because they'll need my help"
Thoughts?
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
