Midlife wife crisis13

[Ready2Change]

Hi Wolf,

I believe this guy could use your support:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2883187

He has recently moved out of the house. You may be able to share some of your insight.

R2C

[ovrrnbw]

Just as I am driving down the block I asked s you have your uniform? He said he forgot it. So my s calls his mom and she already left the house. She said she will not go home and bring it to the game later. Fast forward. His game was at 6:30 but we’d had to be there at 6 to practice. Ex is not there. She calls my phone at 6:10 I had the phone to s and the ex is saying she can’t find the uniform. My s starts to cry how is he going to play.

Your son needs consequences for forgetting or else he has no incentive to improve. If you just bring him his stuff every time he forgets than that is the system that works for him. He is also is crying over not playing? No, he's crying because you are "acting out" by not taking action when he forgets things and this is upsetting the system.

I coached high school football for 6 years, if a young man forgot an essential piece of equipment or uniform I would loan them the piece of equipment and they would have to run a mile. Discipline. Start treating young men like men.

You can't blame your ex so much, and it seems like that is what you want to do.

[IHCLACS]

^^^^ I personally like the three-strike rule with everything and everyone and every situation. Wolf if you want your son to become a strong independent young man, every time he screws up or forgets something, three strike Rule and discipline him. His actions need to have consequences, just like your ex-wife. As a parent you help them and teach them, but you also let them fail let them fall and let them learn with Grace

[Ginger1]

Do you want your son going around blaming everything he does on the divorce? I doubt you do. It was a scapegoat for him. You want your son to grow up as a man who takes responsibility for his actions.

And he needs to see that in you. So quit the blame game and own your side of the street and quit worrying about hers

[Wolfman]

Wow that was some good responses. I guess I am too focused on her. I just at times want you to know what I am dealing with. Had a little conversation today with ex about kids. I had asked her a week ago if I could have the kids on super bowl Sunday. It’s her day with the kids but I know she doesn’t care about the game but I would like to watch it with my son. My d doesn’t care either but I asked for both because I did t want my d to feel left out. She said point blank she did not want to go, that was fine with me. It’s not even my day with them. So last Sunday I took my s to the movies (d didn’t want to go) when I went to pick him up she asked if she could speak to me about the super bowl about the kids with the kids. She asked if I could come in for just a few minutes. When I went in my ex and s were there. Ex said to s, tell daddy. He did t say anything. She then said he doesn’t want to go and he doesn’t want to upset you by not going. I said s if you don’t want to go that’s fine daddy won’t be upset. He said, I just want to watch the game with you and no one else (going to friends super bowl party) I told him I would sit with him on the couch and watch the whole game with him. I said though it’s up to him and I won’t be mad if he doesn’t want to go. Of course she asked who is going to be there. Which honestly is none of her business. I k ow she was trying to see if GF was going to be there. I told her whose house it was and what friends were going to be there. I said it was up to him and there was no pressure and I won’t be mad if he doesn’t feel comfortable going. We said we will discuss it more later in the week. Fast forward to today. I go to pick up the kids at her house. I step out of my car to give them a hug as they are about to come over to me. Ex steps out of the house and said they don’t really want to go with you. I said they? I said I know my d wasn’t coming she already said she didn’t want to go. So I asked my s if he wanted to come and reassuring him it was ok if he didn’t . He said I just want to watch the game with you and no one else. I told him it was only going to be a few people and I would sit right next to him the entire game. So the ex the says you are going to split them up? I said I am not splitting them up, d doesn’t want to come and if s does that should be ok. She said I don’t think it’s a good idea to split them up. I said can you explain why it isn’t a good idea? She just said I don’t think it is. I said if d doesn’t want to come then she is staying with you and if s wants to come with me he can come with me I don’t see a problem with that. She then said d shouldn’t have a say on where she goes. Right in front of her. I said look she is old enough to make that decision. So since she doesn’t want to come she is staying with you. And since s is ok with it he will be coming with me. (Side note how would it be any different when one sibling goes to a friends house, or when one of my kids has slept over a friends house and the other stayed home) She said well I have to pick them BOTH up at 9 they have school tomorrow. Again insisting d was coming with me. I just said we can talk about this later. When we got in the car I asked d do you want to come, I would like for her to come. She said she doesn’t like football and would rather stay home. I said that is fine. I asked my s if he wanted to come and that I would not be upset which ever he chooses. He said, will I be able to watch it with you? I said absolutely I won’t leave your side. He said ok dad I’ll go. Couple of things
1. I know the conversation should never have happened in front of the kids. I am starting to see she loves to do this in front of the kids. I’m really going to have to start really putting my foot down when she starts to do this.
2. She is pushing my d on me because she is looking for this opportunity to go out and party. Granted she is entitled to do that but don’t force my d on me when this is actually her day with the kids and d is old enough to say she would rather not go.
3. I can only imagine what she has said to my s that he would be so hesitant to watch football with his dad, even if it is at a friends house.
4. If tomorrow she forces my d on me how do I handle it?
I was thinking of telling ex, look she does not want to come and that is perfectly ok with me and that she should not be forcing her on me on her day with the kids. And that I appreciate that she is allowing my s to come with me on her day with the kids. Ex is going to try and say that, that is wrong we split them up. I would then say do they not go to friends homes and sleep over? How and why is that ok? Does this make sense? Anything else I should say or do?

[unchien]

Wolf ~

1. I know the conversation should never have happened in front of the kids. I am starting to see she loves to do this in front of the kids. I’m really going to have to start really putting my foot down when she starts to do this.

"I'm happy to discuss with you at another time, not in front of the kids."

No need to explain why. Just be calm and consistent, no need to put your foot down. She'll eventually get the point. Do it every time.

2. She is pushing my d on me because she is looking for this opportunity to go out and party. Granted she is entitled to do that but don’t force my d on me when this is actually her day with the kids and d is old enough to say she would rather not go.

Can't control her.

3. I can only imagine what she has said to my s that he would be so hesitant to watch football with his dad, even if it is at a friends house.

I would leave it alone. If S wants to tell you something, he will.

4. If tomorrow she forces my d on me how do I handle it?

Are you happy to take D to the party?

If so, then take her. Do what D wants to do. Support her (D's) decision. Don't make a big deal out of it in front of D, no need to raise her anxiety and have her feeling stuck in the middle.

Regarding "splitting them up," I think it's great to split the kids up and get some 1:1 time with them. I bet it's hard to find those opportunities. Seems like a positive thing to me!

I'd stay out of arguing over any logical inconsistencies (about the sleepovers, etc.). That's going to lead nowhere productive. She wants you to engage in the battle.

I've been reading some books lately about co-parenting. There is really good stuff out there about how to handle situations where you aren't getting along with the other parent, but you still want to do the best for your kids even if the other parent is not aligned with you.

[IHCLACS]

So the ex the says you are going to split them up? I said I am not splitting them up, d doesn’t want to come and if s does that should be ok. She said I don’t think it’s a good idea to split them up. I said can you explain why it isn’t a good idea? She just said I don’t think it is.

Notice XW doesn't give you a valid reason? Take Unichen's tip and next time XW wants to discuss kids. Like Uni said. You don't owe an explanation, no more than XW owes you one. Pull XW aside to discuss kids every time when necessary. Discussions regarding kids shouldn't happen in front of kids. Don't want to fill kids heads up with complexes. Be consistent with that. You are putting your foot down, but being mature and responsible about it. Do not discuss kids with XW in front of them as if they are a third party to the matter.

So since she doesn’t want to come she is staying with you. And since s is ok with it he will be coming with me.

Good. Assertive and right to the point. Nice to see a "This is what's going to happen based on available options, and children's choices." scenario. You are right D is old enough to make that decision. D chose. S chose. Options were given. This is the outcome. Its your XW weekend anyway. You are doing XW and S the favor by spending time with S. D was invited and included, but she chose otherwise. Logically and technically speaking, XW load is being lightened in a sense.

She then said d shouldn’t have a say on where she goes. Right in front of her. I said look she is old enough to make that decision.

Yeah this is exactly where you pull XW aside to discuss this not in front of the children. If D is of appropriate age and maturity to be making that descision based on her maturity level. XW should not be making those statements especially in front of the kids. If D isn't of appropriate age and maturity. Still should be discussed on the side.

She is pushing my d on me because she is looking for this opportunity to go out and party. Granted she is entitled to do that but don’t force my d on me when this is actually her day with the kids and d is old enough to say she would rather not go.

Yeah it could be because she wants to party and taking only 1 of 2 kids could bottle neck in last minute plans for her. All of a sudden XW cares about giving kids equal parental attention and time when it suits and benefits her? Don't allow that type of manipulation from her. Let her schedule her recreational activities on her own time off from the kids unless you have both kids. But then again her social affairs are none of your business anymore. Even though she's not saying her agenda to you. XW can hire a babysitter if D staying with her interferes with her plans. But again. You can't control XW. Just you. You know as well as I know Wolf, that they will take every advantage to dump the kids off on you when it suits their social agenda on their time with the kids. Another form of cake eating. But that door swings both ways too. There may be moments where you want to do something without the kids or a event or vacation or something where you might have to ask or request XW to watch kids for a date swap. So there has to be give and take and some concessions made over time with this. Me personally. Unless its really important or critically necessary, I schedule all my GAL on my own time.

She said well I have to pick them BOTH up at 9 they have school tomorrow. Again insisting d was coming with me. I just said we can talk about this later.

It couldn't hurt to make a compromise and leave D with XW, pickup S and volunteer to run S back to XW's house after the SuperBowl party to save XW some trouble.

[Wolfman]

Unchien thank you for the comments. I would never ask my s if ex says anything about me. Also if my d wanted to come she could come. My d decided not to come and it was fine. Ex didn’t bring up separating them.

IH thank you for hour comments. Surprisingly it worked out. She didn’t push my d on me. I would have taken her but she did not want to come. I took my s and we had a great time. One thing though. I went to pick up s at 5:30 from the house. Ex was running late with kids. She got there about 2 minutes later. She said sorry I’m late I said no problem. She gave my s a hug and he got in the car. My d said hello to me and I said hi back. Then ex said I know when I am late you give me such a hard time. Always looking to start things. I just said no hard time no problem at all in a very nice calm voice. I will have s home by 9 and I left. Is it ever possible that she will NOT push my buttons? Or is she trying to remind herself why she d me?
My s and I had such a great time at the super bowl party. At 8:30 he said dad I don’t want to leave. I said I know but you have school tomorrow. When I drove him home and we got out, I walked him to the door. He turned and gave me the biggest hug and said I love you dad I said I love you too. Just typing this I am starting to tear up. Again for me this is so hard because how much I love my kids and want to be with them all the time. I know people here say you never know, but I feel it’s too late. What I wouldn’t do to be a family again. It’s hard there are times when I feel like I am truly accepting this new life and ready to move on. But then a little moment like that kills me. I love my kids dearly and hate that they are going through this!!!
I close on my home in 2 days and I’m actually really sad. Because this is just another event that says this is real.

[IHCLACS]

Ex was running late with kids. She got there about 2 minutes later. She said sorry I’m late I said no problem. She gave my s a hug and he got in the car. My d said hello to me and I said hi back. Then ex said I know when I am late you give me such a hard time. Always looking to start things. I just said no hard time no problem at all in a very nice calm voice. I will have s home by 9 and I left. Is it ever possible that she will NOT push my buttons? Or is she trying to remind herself why she d me?

The way I'm reading it Wolf could be one of two ways. XW Is glad you are not giving her a hard time for being late this time and notices a behavior change with you. Or two she is expecting you to give her a hard time for being late from past experiences, and is bating you with drama because a negative interaction is better than no interaction at all or indifference. The latter is a narc characteristic. Either way sounds like you had a positive uneventful fulfilling experience with XW and S. My question is what meaning are you going to assign and does it matter or have bearing on a positive outcome or direction in your life? What do you think? Do you think all went well as far as co-parenting this interaction?

[Wolfman]

Ex was running late with kids. She got there about 2 minutes later. She said sorry I’m late I said no problem. She gave my s a hug and he got in the car. My d said hello to me and I said hi back. Then ex said I know when I am late you give me such a hard time. Always looking to start things. I just said no hard time no problem at all in a very nice calm voice. I will have s home by 9 and I left. Is it ever possible that she will NOT push my buttons? Or is she trying to remind herself why she d me?

The way I'm reading it Wolf could be one of two ways. XW Is glad you are not giving her a hard time for being late this time and notices a behavior change with you. Or two she is expecting you to give her a hard time for being late from past experiences, and is bating you with drama because a negative interaction is better than no interaction at all or indifference. The latter is a narc characteristic. Either way sounds like you had a positive uneventful fulfilling experience with XW and S. My question is what meaning are you going to assign and does it matter or have bearing on a positive outcome or direction in your life? What do you think? Do you think all went well as far as co-parenting this interaction?

The meaning is both. I think she sees changes but doesn’t want to acknowledge it, also I feel she loves drama and is always looking for something. I just show I am not that person anymore, or at least trying to be understanding and calm yet indifferent with ex.
I think it’s good she sees these changes but it’s way to early to mean anything to her. I think it went well. I try very hard to communicate everything. I use to wait till the last minute to tell her things or do things. So we were in constant communication about what was going on yesterday as far as the kids.