Midlife wife crisis13

[Wolfman]

Was there anything positive about your W? I know we only have your side of the story, but she really sounds dreadful. Were the two of you ever happy in your MR?

She was very caring at the very beginning. She always wanted to be with me. She would always call me when she left work and just wanted to spend tiMe with me. We were very happy, we did t have a lot of money and stayed home most weekends watching movies and going out to an occasional dinner. We went to the gym together and we were inseparable. Once we had kids there were some changes in her. I would say normal things that come with have kids. She was always tired and stressed. She was never a sexual person and I was her first. As we started to make more money she started to actually complain more that we weren’t doing enough ( dinner out, vacations, material things) So we started to do those things more. We both have good jobs and yet at the end of the month we never had any extra money. The more we made the more she wanted to spend and the less she wanted to be home. Little by little she started to cook less, keep up with the house less. She would constantly say things like she works during the week and she is tired and doesn’t want to cook all the time or want to clean. And the. On the weekend she would say she needs down time and doesn’t want to cook or clean because she is a working woman. And look I get those things, who really wants to cook all the time and clean when you have a job? But we have a home and kids and unfortunately at some point these things need to get done. So she would ask me for help with things, she was “overwhelmed” so I started to pick up the slack. It got to a point I was good shopping, cleaning the house, landscaping, keeping up with the pool , paying bills, helping the kids with homework, cleaning up after dinner(loafing and unloading dishwasher). And she would complain that she needed more help with the kids. Like making there lunches and help with laundry. Well I said to her I can’t help her because I am already doing x,y, and z. And she would get angry and say I don’t help her. When I would list everything g I was doing to help her she would down play it like it was no big deal what I did. As she started to approach 40 she kept talking about getting older and she doesn’t look good. Meanwhile she is beautiful. I’ll never forget one day we were sitting with her 2 friends and my ex said that we never travel. Both her friends said are you crazy!!!! You go away more than both of us combined. She just never saw how lucky we were and how fortunate we were. Beautiful home, 2 great careers, 2 beautiful healthy kids, travel 5 times a year. But she always wanted more and more. Before we split she actually said to me, that she never imagined that she would ever have to work cook or clean. She knew I was becoming a teacher. There was no million dollar payday at the end of the rainbow. Also as time went we barely we sexual. Maybe twice a month. And it was me initiating it. Anytime so would talk to her about being intimate she would get mad at me. I would tell her I love her and am very attracted to her and I love being intimate with my wife. If I didn’t initiate it we could go 2 months sometimes. Basically it started off loving and happy and life was simple but the more money we made and her being on Facebook and constantly comparing our life things started to get worse. I have to go to work I’ll be back later to address more and everyone else’s comments.

[Wolfman]

You currently have a girlfriend, right? Do you hope to reconcile with your W some day? Are you emotionally attached to your XW, b/c you want a future with her? I mean, you are emotionally attached, even if it's negative emotions. There seems to be too much spoken between you and XW. Your parenting style and her parenting style is not going to match, so the more you can avoid that whole scenario where she tattles to you about the kids......the better. Don't try to rescue her from the kids, or other issues she has brought on herself. Are you still going inside to get the kids? Asking the kids questions about what happens after you leave, or any other time they are with their mom, is an invitation for anxiety. I think you need to be careful there. ((hugs))

I do have a GF that I care for a lot. I just miss the family dynamic. I feel I put so much effort to keep my w happy and do anything I could to help he out. Then to have the rug taken out from under me. I have come a long way but have a long way to go still. Sometimes I do hope that we can reconcile because of the home I worked so hard on, my children being with them. I know it may not seem that way but I have truly learned a lot from here and am a much better partner. But she has done no work so I can’t imagine what it would be like if it did happen.

I don’t go in the house anymore. I stopped about 2 months ago. I wait in the car to pick them up and drop them off in the driveway. I don’t ask my kids anymore what they do when they are not with me. Honestly, I got to a point where I thought we had the “perfect” family life. Both teachers, off all summer together, making 2 good salaries and I have another career too. A dream home that I completely renovated, 2 beautiful healthy kids, we were living the American dream. Or at least I thought we were. 2 things happened right before the split. Our good friend’s daughter drowned a month before we were going away with them on a cruise. When that happened I saw a change in her and even her parents. And she said to me life is short and you never know what’s going to happen tomorrow and that you need to live your life. That and her about to turn 40 and she was having a hard time with that. She said she felt old, out of shape, fat and in her words frumpy. And then she would say, “I wouldn’t wish this life on my worst enemy.” That statement goes to show her sense of entitlement. And in case you are wondering, we didn’t argue, very rarely, I was always around and we were always doing things together as a family. I was always telling her how much I loved her and how beautiful she was. I adored my w. But I guess I did t speak her love language because evidently she wasn’t feeling it.

[Wolfman]

AS I have to disagree with you. I don’t think that my s should be making the decisions. And my w wasn’t trying to shield him she just wanted him for herself. I will tell you why. She told me about 3 times to make sure he was home by 9 because he had to go to bed because he has a hard time getting up in the morning. So fine I understand that. So I made sure he was home by 9. Monday when I picked him up I told my s who won the game. He said I know. I said you do? He said yeah me, mom and sister stayed up and watched the whole game. He said when he was yelling at the tv mom was recording him. Ex hates football she never watches it. Shoot I played football in college and semi-pro and she never watched me play. All the past Super Bowls she never watched when we went to party’s she would be off with the women drinking. So it annoys me that she made me take him home early when we were having a good time. She should have just told me the truth that she wanted to watch it with him too. It makes me wonder what she said to s that made him not want to go in the first place.

IT WAS HER TIME WITH THE KIDS!!!!!! She gave you some of HER time with them, what are you not understanding about this? It was COMPLETELY at HER discretion! Why do you constantly paint her as the bad guy? She didn't have to give you any time with them! I think you're really struggling with seeing anything from her point of view. You asked her to take S during her time with him, and then you want to take him to an adult party somewhere. I can completely understand why this would give her heartburn. She wanted him back early, fine. What they did after you took him back is frankly none of your business. Look, the two of you are separated. You've got to quit spinning your wheels on who she's with, what she's doing, etc. Use your time with the kids wisely, and allow her to have her time with them undisturbed. I understand that to you the Super Bowl is a big deal and that you think it should be an exception, but she probably doesn't see it that way. But she STILL allowed you to take S, which personally I think was quite generous of her.

I know it was her time with the kids and I was very appreciative. I thanked her many times for doing that. The adult party had kids there and she knows the people and so does my son. It wasn’t a strangers house. I think there is nothing wrong with me being annoyed with bringing him home early when she said he had to go to bed and she didn’t do that. I didn’t say anything to her I didn’t even ask my s about it. I just said to him that chiefs won and he told me everything. As far as painting her as the bad guy yeah I guess I do. I know I will probably upset people with this but she is the one who put us here. So yes, at times I am bitter seeing what she has done to our family. That there was never a chance to work on it or fix it. I have said this before, that nothing major happened, and she never even tried to work things out. Hey I hear how people are cheated on, abuse, addiction and those couples work it out. Hey we had nothing like that. So yeah at times I feel she is the bad guy for doing this to me but more importantly doing this to my kids. Constant back and forth, not having both of us around all the time. I would do anything to keep a “normal” life for my kids. I initiated MC after 4 days she stopped. I moved into the basement to appease her to show her I would do anything for her (obviously that was wrong to do, I know that now). I was willing to sacrifice or do anything to keep the family together. So yeah t times, I struggle why she wouldn’t? Obviously I’m her mind it was to hard for her to stay married. But honestly she still looks miserable. And still never seems happy. She thought I was the root of her unhappiness.

[joejoe1]

Wolf,

You keep making this statement.

[she is the one who put us here.

You both are at fault. You didn't hold her accountable and accepted everything she wanted even if you know it wasn't something that you agreed with. That's appeasement and not love. You have to be accountable for your faults as well. You are holding on to this belief, that, "only if my W would of tried and gave us a chance we would be together". But you help to create an environment of entitlement that she has.

Accept you faults!!! She is entitled and has a lot of work to do, but so do you and finding blame in her won't help.

Joejoe

[Wolfman]

Wolf,

You keep making this statement.

[she is the one who put us here.

You both are at fault. You didn't hold her accountable and accepted everything she wanted even if you know it wasn't something that you agreed with. That's appeasement and not love. You have to be accountable for your faults as well. You are holding on to this belief, that, "only if my W would of tried and gave us a chance we would be together". But you help to create an environment of entitlement that she has.

Accept you faults!!! She is entitled and has a lot of work to do, but so do you and finding blame in her won't help.
Joejoe

I know I created that environment. I thought I was being a good husband by trying to help her. I didn’t volunteer this help. She would ask for more help and I would help her. That’s all she would say is that she needs help and I would help. As a husband was I suppose to say no, I won’t help you? I also recognize my faults in the relationship, she wanted more emotionally. I just needed to listen more to her. I Leander her “love language” after the fact but I know now if things ever changed. Maybe if I had given her more emotionally she wouldn’t have needed so much help around the house. I don’t know.
The thing I find funny is that she always needed me to help her. How she would tell me she is “drowning” with the kids and house work. And I was doing the food shopping, house cleaning, landscaping, bills, trash, cleaning up after dinner, helping the kids, and now she has to do all that by herself. I have read so much on here they are acting on emotion that is so true with my ex. I just wish she would have thought logically about how our marriage was. We had so much fun as a family and were very loving most of the time. Was there things I did wrong and needed to do better. Absolutely!! I don’t think it warranted divorce but that is me thinking logically and not emotionally like her.
Joejoe I know my faults and am working on them. She definitely has a lot of work since she has headed into MLC. I hope one day she “wakes” up, I just hope it’s not too late and I no longer want her.

[Ginger1]

You hope she wakes up before it’s too late and you don’t want her anymore?



So you admit you want her now, yet you are with another woman.

You are being extremely selfish here.

[Vapo]

IMO you are/were no way near ready to date. It is also extremely unfair to your GF. You are not well yet, you have not given yourself sufficient time to heal from your trauma. You snapping at your W proves that. And you admitting to loving your W and wanting her back confirms the whole thing.

I would date to say you are in a form of transition yourself, but perhaps oblivious to this fact.

[Wolfman]

You hope she wakes up before it’s too late and you don’t want her anymore?

So you admit you want her now, yet you are with another woman.

You are being extremely selfish here.

I know. I wasn’t looking for a GF. It just sort of happened. The thing is my GF is having a real hard time that I have kids. She wants to be #1 in my life. She doesn’t understand my children will be #1. At first she seemed ok with that. Like me having them for the weekend and not able to see her. But now that is becoming a problem. She is much younger than me and immature. This is only starting to come out. So my feelings for my GF are disappearing. At you are all right I think it’s time for me to be alone and find myself. Do t get me wrong I really liked this girl but I guess the “honeymoon” is over. Like I said I wasn’t looking for a GF it just happened and I was really starting to fall for her until this came up.
More to come have to run!!

[LH19]

W,

I have to be honest with you I have never stumbled onto a girlfriend before.

So things get challenging and you are just going to discard her? Isn’t that what you’ve been crying day after day for over a year that your W did to you?

You have some work to do my friend.

[Wolfman]

W,

I have to be honest with you I have never stumbled onto a girlfriend before.

So things get challenging and you are just going to discard her? Isn’t that what you’ve been crying day after day for over a year that your W did to you?

You have some work to do my friend.

I am not discarding her. She doesn’t want the relationship as much anymore. She wants to move in with me and I said I don’t think that is a good idea. My kids need to get adjusted to this new life. I told her she could be there most of the time. But she can’t stay over when my kids are there and she is having a hard time with that. I told her if things go well over time, then yes, I would have her move in. She needs to take it slow. So it’s not me discarding her it’s her distancing herself. Honestly if these problems are happening now what’s it going to be like down the road. I am trying real hard to understand what she is feeling and where she is coming from. But she needs to understand I have kids and this is new to them and having a “strange” woman live with them would be hard. My kids have met her 3 times.
I understand she wants to be and feel like she is number 1 in my life. Every boyfriend/girlfriend wants to, but it’s not just about her and I. I have kids I need to take care of and protect.