Last night went as well as I thought it could go. Both of our kids were with friends which just left the two of us together. We talked for a long time, the flow got a little choppy at a point when neither of us had much to say. I told her that i didn’t think it was fair the way she was treated at MC and she said that she meant what she said but the tone softened a little. We got interrupted and never came back to it as I left it for her to bring up if she wanted to.
We have an event tonight and she asked if i still wanted her to go and I said yes. I asked her if she wanted to go and she said she thought it was important that we still support each other. It will be interesting to see whether or not she wears her wedding ring to the event.
We watched a show and went to bed.
The nighttime ritual was normal except I gave her a kiss on the forehead that wasn’t returned and i said i love you which wasn’t returned. Again, remember, two weeks ago she had said that i wasn’t saying I love you anymore and that had bothered her as well as that I had changed up giving her a kiss at night. I didn’t expect anything in return because of the previous days events. It will be interesting to see how she pushes to get us to a mediator or if I am served with papers.
So I was re-reading The Divorce Remedy and one of the things that I had missed in the past was The Last Resort technique, which I think is where a lot of advice on the message board starts. Prior to engaging with this technique, these questions are spelled out:
1) Your spouse has said in no uncertain terms that they want a divorce and they mean it. It wasn't said at an emotional time. 2) You are separated. 3) You and your spouse are living together but have little to do with one another. Sleeping in different rooms, no communication, and little or no sexual contact. 4) Your spouse has filled for divorce.
From my perspective, the first point is actually not true at this time. We are close, but she was very emotional. She seems like this is how she feels but she hasn't followed it up. We are not separated. We live together, sleep in the same room, have good amounts of communication, but no sexual contact at all. And she hasn't filed yet.
I just thought that was interesting and leads me to back up a couple of steps.
Saying ILY is not a good idea at this point. It is pursuit and pressure, and is not likely to lead to your W "coming back" to you or to the MR.
I know that when you come from a sitch where you never used to say "ILY" or were neglectful to your W, changing things up to say it can seem like a "180"... but it is not consistent with DB-ing where you have a WAW or WW.
If you must, focus instead on specific things to praise her for: "I really like it when we talk like this" or "I noticed that you did [something around the house, etc], I really appreciate that" Or "I appreciate the way you backed me up with the kids last night".
These are all good.. they recognize things she has done, particularly things that are consistent with improving/saving the MR... but at this point "ILY" is too much. You'll know when it is not too much, but that time is not now. Your W will have to be drawn back to the MR slooooooowly. You can do your part by not pressuring/pursuing yet (and "ILY" is both) and by improving yourself to be a better man, mate, and H.... AMOAFWL
Last edited by hoosjim; 02/10/2009:08 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I think for now stick to 180s, detachment and up your GAL. Try to remember that this is 90% about her and there is nothing you can do to control the outcome. I feel your pain brother.
So I was reading and in the divorce remedy, there is a section on More of The Same Behaviors in the Experiment and Monitor section of the book. It seems like I could just take a list of all of my wife's normal complaints and focus on them to do something that is very different than what I probably normally do.
I've made a lot of changes but obviously, there are some things that maybe I haven't hit home runs on.
My "More of the Same" behavior / cheeseless tunnels / experiments I could do:
We don't compromise: Think of something where we can work to compromise. (New Stove that we've put off buying). I don't help with the kids: Find a way to help with the kids with homework. (Read with my Daughter). I am sarcastic, I turn things around on her: Be a cheerleader. Find sincere compliments, be more gracious. (Thanks for doing the laundry.) You're relentless: Find something important to give up on - Cell service for my son. You don't help around the house: do something unexpected - sweep the kitchen when I get home. Stop saying I'm depressed: Focus on my Individual Counseling and don't bring hers up. You don't support me: Figure out when she is going to the Dr. and go. I make her into the bad guy, she feels like things are her fault: I'm not sure yet.
Then in my iPhone I created reminders to help me with these ideas. Now the trick is that it can't go off when she sees my phone, but I programmed some of these in at random times just to help me do things that might be little mini-experiments.
As I've read the walk-away spouse knows two things: They have confidence that they know all there is to know and that he is never going to change.
If I can create some seeds of doubt maybe I can start to walk this thing back from the cliff. She did say in the last MC session that she was confused. Confused is good, it means she doesn't really know what she wants.
Also, having these things to work on can help me feel more in control and give me something to focus on.
